


when i wake up i'm afraid

by pastelgoth



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Bakery, Bullying, Depression, Established Relationship, F/M, Fluff, Harry gets better for himself not for Louis ok - for!! himself!! yay!!, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Marriage Proposal, SO many terms of endearments, Sad Harry, harry is louis' baby, i started this in january hence Zayn (sorry), louis is 23 and harry is 19 ok, past suicide attempt mentioned - maybe three/four times?, shitty parenting (w/o realising) (it improves)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-19
Updated: 2015-11-22
Packaged: 2018-04-21 03:56:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 49,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4814045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pastelgoth/pseuds/pastelgoth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"In and out baby, keep breathing in and out." It takes another 15 minutes before Harry even feels slightly better rocking in Louis' arms. "So strong, you're so strong." Louis is whispering - Harry wishes he felt it.</p><p>~</p><p>AU. Harry is struggling and Louis just wishes he could help.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hello this is sad please be prepared!!  
> i've finally finished this (hooray), it took a while.  
> excuse any mess ups i haven't had a chance to re-read through this more than once!  
>  **there are mentions of a previous suicide attempt (brief), a lot of crying, negative thoughts, many references to self harm, bullying and detailed anxiety attacks.  
> **  
>  please be careful when deciding whether to read this.  
> this is from a personal experience on a variety of different levels (i.e. myself, people i know).  
> i hope everyone is ok and larry isn't fucking them up too much irl  
> please be careful when reading  
> enjoy the angst ~

“Haz, your boy is here!”

“Not my boy.” Harry sighs happily as he rounds the corner into the front of the bakery, his eyes landing on the boy leaning against the counter with the sharp cheekbones, crystal blue eyes and soft, messy hair.

“ _Ouch_ , that hurts my pride Hazza.” Louis pouts dramatically making Harry roll his eyes.

“What are you doing here you menace?”

“Well, I did want a mocha and cookie, and some time to admire the cute guy who works here but considering he’s just wounded my pride, I may forget about the last part.” Harry rolls his eyes again as he begins to work on Louis’ order. “Plus I believe I have a date with you tonight.” Harry laughs because if he doesn’t laugh he’ll concentrate on the almost crippling anxiety curling in his stomach.

“Believe so but that’s in, what? An hour?”

“ _Babe_ , ‘m tryin’ to be romantic here!” Louis pouts as Harry hands him his treats, ignoring the money he’s pushing against his arm. “You haven’t even kissed me and I’ve been here like, five minutes or somethin’.”

“You’re a _child_.” Harry sighs before pecking Louis’ lips. “Happy?”

“Harry Edward Styles, kiss me properly you prat.” Louis glares.

“’m working!”

“The shop’s bloody _empty_.” Louis protests. Harry leans forward with a smirk, cupping Louis’ jaw as he mumbles, “’t’s not a shop, it’s a bakery. Thought you’d know that old man.” Before kissing Louis again, with more intent this time.

“Hey, hey, you two. Stop with this disgusting affection in my shop would ‘ya?” Niall protests minutes later as Harry giggles into Louis’ neck. “Also Lou, get out from behind here! For Christ sake you two.” Niall sighs fondly. Louis sighs as he pulls away from Harry, pecking his lips once, twice before grinning.

“Didn’t know Ni was your manager?”

“He fucking wishes.” Harry laughs. “Now go and sit in the corner and do god knows what.”

“Alright, alright, I’ve gotta email my new job anyway before Christmas. May as well do that now.” He grins, “Could get used to you working not just busy Saturday’s.”

“See! Problem solved, now leave me alone.” Harry says, pinching Louis’ bum as he walks out back to the kitchen to clean as Niall serves the late rush. He’s pretty sure he hears Louis mumble “twat” under his breath and he laughs, wondering how he’s managed to snag a first date with this bloody beautiful, older guy. A miracle, he thinks.

Over an hour later Harry is trying to be fast changing his clothes, carefully picking out a long sleeved jumper as he slides his feet into his favourite boots just as he hears his mum start to climb the stairs. “Shit.” He murmurs, grabbing his wallet and phone before meeting her on the landing.

“And where are you going?” She asks.

“Erm, out. As in, with Niall. For food. I won’t be home too late, he’s giving me a lift. Meant to text you but work was hectic because of the Christmas rush. Sorry.” Harry stumbles over his words, he’s never been a decent liar until recently and even now it’s hard with his mum even if their relationship isn’t brilliant. Anne rolls her eyes then kisses his cheek,

“Not too late please. Love you.”

“Love you too, bye, thanks!” Harry smiles before running down the stairs, grabbing his keys and a jacket. He jogs to Louis’ car, apologising as he clambers in.

“It’s fine, let’s go and eat. I’m starving.” Louis grins before pulling out onto the road. As Harry sits back and admires the man next to him he smiles softly because yeah, he could really get used to this.

~

“Have you two-? Y’know?” Niall asks two weeks later on Christmas Eve Eve (“It’s a real thing Lou.” “Whatever you say babe.”) as he and Harry sit on the floor of his loft.

“Ni, we’ve known each other, what? A month? Maybe two? Been on three dates over two weeks. ‘m not gonna let him fuck me instantly.”

“You’ve done it before though, right? Like, do you think you’ll do it tomorrow?”

“Ni, it’s none of your business, Jesus Christ mate.”

“Get some fuckin’ Christmas cheer would you H!”

“I do have some, just not when we’re discussing when I’m getting laid!” Harry protests just as the doorbell rings. “Oh thank _fuck_ for Liam.” Harry sighs happily, jumping up and rushing down to the door, ignoring whatever Niall calls after him.

“Evening.” Liam grins.

“Evening.” Harry grins back, hugging him as he closes the door. “You have perfect timing, Niall’s attempting to talk about my sex life.”

“Why? Did you and ‘older-hot-man’-“

“Louis, he’s called Louis.” Liam ignores him.

“-get it on or something?”

“That’s the thing Li, they haven’t! I say do it tomorrow.” Niall shouts as they walk into the room. Harry groans as he falls onto the sofa,

“I fucking hate you.”

“What you up too tomorrow then?” Liam asks, nicking a crisp from Niall.

“Haz has a hot date with Louis, Liam. Candle light ‘nd everything.” Niall winks.

“Fancy.” Liam says with raised eyebrows.

“Yes it is, and it’s meant to be. Mum and Robin are out until about 10 so he’s coming over in the afternoon. Gotta text him ‘bout it actually, haven’t told him what to wear yet.” Harry smiles at Liam’s ‘aw’ and Niall rolling his eyes as he tugs his phone out of his jeans.

To: **louis .xx** _wear jeans and maybe that burgundy jumper from the other week tomorrow???? smart casual !!!!!! surprise surprise .xxxxx_

From: **louis .xx** _anything 4 u. what we up 2 anyway ?? x x x x x_

To: **louis .xx** _you’ll find out tomorrow. but gonna have to leave by about 10 pls, sorry. parents .xxxxx_ Just typing out why Louis needs to leave early makes Harry feel pathetic, his chest tighten slightly as he expects the next text back to be Louis cancelling. Niall nudges his knee to see if he’s okay and he just nods at the boys, smiles a little, remembers that he can’t worry them. They don’t need his worries tonight.

From: **louis .xx** _its fine babe. u can come bck here if u want, z wont care ?? x x x x x x_ Harry smiles instantly, his previous worries forgotten.

To: **louis .xx** _better not. Christmas day next day n all .xxxx_

“Haz, how’s A2 going this year?” Liam asks, pulling his mind out of his phone for a sec.

“It’s… going better than last year y’know? Hopefully be at uni soon, only need three C’s so all’s looking good. How’s Uni?” Harry shrugs.

“Yeah it’s alright, bit stressful; got a load of mocks when I get back but it’s good! You two are gonna love it next year.” Liam grins, munching on the last of Niall’s crisps.

“Can’t wait honestly mate.” Niall says, tipping his head back to look up at Harry. “Bet you can’t either.”

“Can’t wait to get out of this shithole honestly, finally.” Niall and Liam laugh before they start talking about Liam’s biochemistry course.

From: **louis .xx** _what bout 2nite?? come pick u up if u want? x x x x x x x x_ Harry looks up to where Niall and Liam are sat, back to his phone then back to his friends, remembering the amount of times they’ve left early to stay at Sophia’s or for Niall to go on a random date. Harry’s never left once, needing the company of at least a friend to keep his mind in check for one night but tonight. Tonight he can fall asleep with a cute, wonderful boy or sleep cramped on Niall’s sofa. His choice is already made.

“Erm, guys?” Harry interrupts awkwardly. “So, Lou wants me to stay tonight, is it alright if I, eh, leave?” Harry feels like an arsehole walking out on his friends but when they agree easily, grinning as he shoots off a text to Louis _come 2 ni’s. i’ll be ready .xxxxxx_ with the address attached, he loves them rather a lot.

“Glad to see you’re happy Haz.” Liam whispers in his ear when he hugs him goodbye as Niall chats to Louis at the front door. Harry feels a slight lump form in his throat but ignores it, kisses Liam on the cheek obnoxiously and murmurs he loves him, before doing the same with Niall. When Niall yells, “Merry Christmas boys! Be safe, etc. etc.” as they reach Louis’ car, Harry changes his mind, he doesn’t love Niall one bit.

“It’s official, I hate him.”

“Babe.” Louis laughs as he cups Harry’s face with a smirk, “Niall’s the best.” He mutters before kissing Harry, slow and gentle and Harry knows he’s a bit gone for him already.

“I don’t like you at all.” Harry pouts.

“Hm, really?” Louis laughs, kissing along Harry’s jaw. “You sure ‘bout that babe?”

“Kiss me again you idiot.” Harry demands, making Louis laugh but he does as he’s told.

“You sure they didn’t mind you leaving tonight?” Louis asks hours later when they’re both curled up in bed. Harry nods against his chest.

“They were fine. They’ve left me multiple times so it’s like, a first from me.” Harry says, his words slurring at the end slightly from sleep attempting to take him.

“You wanna sleep babe?”

“Mm, please.”

“Wanna change into a t-shirt or somethin’ before you do?” Louis asks. Harry shakes his head furiously, the question waking him a little.

“No, no, I erm, sleep in jumpers a lot, I’ll be fine.” Louis frowns as Harry attempts to smile, his chest feeling a lot heavier than a few minutes ago.

“You sure-“

“Yeah, promise.” Harry says, kissing Louis’ bare chest a few times. “C’mon, sleep, I’m probably gonna have to leave early but I’ll see you tomorrow evening yeah?”

“Course babe. Let’s sleep.” Harry nods slightly before darkness takes him under.

When he wakes in the morning Louis is wrapped around him, clinging to him. Harry kisses his bare arm a few times before slipping out, giving him a pillow to cling to instead of his body. He changes his clothes before grabbing a post-it note and pen scribbling a note for Louis to wake up too.

“You not staying?” Zayn frowns as he munches on some toast when Harry passes him.

“Will see him later. Gotta go, merry Christmas, bye!” Harry calls before leaving the flat for the small walk home; excitement and nervousness about tonight bubbling in his chest already.

_lou, left early as told mum I would from ni’s. thanks for the night. feels a bit like a walk of shame this does, but in letter form? Dunno. See you later, 5 sharpish babe please_

_\- H .xxxxx_

_Happy Christmas eve, love_

~

“We’ll be back about 11 but we’ll text you when we’re leaving, okay?”

“Yeah mum, have fun guys.” Harry says with a wave. Robin waves as Anne smiles before closing the door. Harry watches them drive away, gives it three minutes (he counts) before jogging upstairs, grabs the hamper he’s stashed under his bed and sets everything in it out on the dining room table before he starts on the curry. Louis texts him that he’s leaving in 10 minutes when Harry realises he hasn’t showered so he moves all the pans off of the stove, takes a quick shower, dries his hair and dresses in black skin tight jeans and a white t-shirt with red plaid that shows off his lower arm tattoos, deems the bruises too faded to see anymore, and thinks he looks alright just as the doorbell rings.

“Shit.” He mutters, legging it down the stairs. “One sec babe!” Harry calls as he dims the lights in the kitchen and lights the table candles before rushing to the door.

“Bloody fuck.” Louis says as soon as he sees Harry.

“Merry Christmas to you too.” Harry grins as he watches Louis slowly look his body over.

“You look… huh.” Louis says with a slight laugh. “Never been speechless before now.” Harry feels his cheeks redden slightly as he looks over Louis in his black skin-tight jeans and grey t-shirt. His biceps look fantastic. Harry’s pretty sure he’s drooling slightly. “Babe?”

“Hm, shit, what?” Harry asks, being snapped out from his study of Louis’ tattooed biceps. Louis rolls his eyes with a smile.

“ _I said_ the jumper was in the wash but I thought this would be alright. Guessing by your reaction I don’t need that confirmed.”

“You look hot as fuck.” Harry says, his cheeks instantly going redder. “Shit, I have no filter because of your bloody biceps.” Slapping a hand over his face, cheeks feeling like they’re on fire, he mumbles, “Oh my god, just please get in my house before I embarrass myself anymore.” He hear Louis laugh before his hands are being peeled off of his face.

“We can discuss what you want with my biceps and body later babe.” Louis whispers, making Harry go even redder, before he walks into the house as Harry groans. “Okay, so what’s this big surprise Styles?” Louis asks once he’s taken his shoes off. Harry grins and takes Louis’ hands, leading him in front of the kitchen door.

“Wait here.”

Harry rushes around the kitchen, plating the food before putting them on the table, making sure the candles are still lit before leaning against the kitchen counter as he calls for Louis to enter. Louis does instantly but then just, stops.

“W-who, did Zayn, who told you?” Louis demands, eyebrows furrowed.

“Wh-what? Told me what?” Harry asks, confused as he glances from the table and Louis.

“Zayn, wasn’t it? Must ‘ave been. I told him not too, for Christ sake.” Louis sighs.

“Lou, what are you going on about?”

“H, babe, you don’t have to play coy.” Louis smiles gently as he walks over to Harry, putting his hands on his slim hips. “This is lovely, thank you. I just didn’t want you to know, y’know? Don’t like making a big deal out of it.”

“What are you even going on about Lou?” Harry asks with a small laugh. Louis frowns.

“Haz, you really don’t have to play coy.” Louis repeats.

“About what?! I made you dinner because y’know, Christmas eve, romance, you’re lovely, you’re putting up with me, you could be dating anyone else etcetera, etcetera but you just started chatting some random stuff. I dunno what you’re going on about.” Harry shrugs.

“Wait, you mean, wait you really don’t know?” Louis asks, moving away slightly with an almost sickening amount of fondness on his face. Harry would take the piss if he wasn’t so confused and if it wasn’t directed at him.

“Know what?!” Harry asks exasperated, throwing his hands in the air with a small laugh.

“Haz, it’s my birthday today babe.” He says with a gently smile and crossed arms, his hip resting against the kitchen island.

“What.” Harry asks, eyes wide and heart hammering in his chest. “What?”

“Christmas eve is my birthday babe. No one’s ever done anything like this for me. Thought Zayn must’ve told you.” Louis says and he’s still smiling so lovingly at Harry, Harry could _cry_.

“I- erm, ha, oh, what?” Harry tries again, his mind racing and a laugh bubbling in his throat because what?

“Harry. I was born on Christmas Eve. Today. You made me dinner. Today. On Christmas Eve. On my birthday. Without realising.” Louis says slowly, like Harry is someone who has just woken up from passing out.

“Oh.”

“Oh?” Louis asks as he moves towards Harry.

“Oh.” Harry nods before Louis takes Harry’s necklaces and gives them a firm tug to pull him down, kissing Harry fiercely.

“Harry Styles, you are, the best fucking, date I’ve ever, had.” Louis says between kisses.

“Oh my god I walked out on you on your _birthday_.” Is all Harry can reply between quick kisses, making Louis cackle.

“It wasn’t a bloody one night stand or anything, it’s fine you idiot. Look where we are now.” Louis grins.

“With cold food.” Louis nods.

“With cold food, but it is Christmas tomorrow and my birthday and you’re the best date ever.”

“Ever?” Harry asks with a smirk.

“Ever.” Louis grins, kissing Harry again. They end up eating warmed up curry on the floor of the lounge as they watch Christmas specials on BBC One, Louis kissing Harry whenever he can before having to sneak Louis up to his room when his parents get home, asking who the car outside belongs to. Harry shrugs before going to bed, finding Louis on his back giggling happily. It’s Louis who leaves a post-it note in the morning; Harry’s not sure how he leaves but knows his parents don’t see him.

It’s the first night in nearly four years Harry hasn’t felt like the world is crashing down around him and all because of his date. Louis is magic, he rationalises when he realises in the morning.

~

It’s the Saturday before he goes back to college when Harry rings Niall, tells him he can’t come to work and to tell Louis that he’s ill or something but will be fine. Niall agrees, used to Harry’s bad days, and makes him promise he will not turn his phone off. Harry promises.

Niall spends five minutes telling him he’s loved by his parents, even if they rarely show it, by his sister, by his aunts/uncles/grandparents, by himself, by Liam, by Ed, by Lou, by baby Lux, by Nick, by even Zayn, by _Louis_ , before ringing off. Harry turns his phone off immediately and rolls over in bed, his fingers finding his wrist almost on their own accord as they start to pinch at the flesh, making the skin sore and red. Harry stares into space, head swimming with bad thoughts.

He has days like this. Every day his chest feels heavy, feels like he’s drowning constantly but he knows he needs to push on, push it away until later when his mind can drown him all night. And he manages usually. Yet it’s days like today, when he can barely get out of bed, when tears rush to his eyes almost unwillingly, when he thinks about how much of a let-down he is, when he remembers words his mum has thrown at him in the heat of the moment.

He thinks about how unlikely going to Uni is, thinks about how hopeless everything is; how he can’t manage anymore. He remembers the day everything changed, and the night before. Thinks about how his father doesn’t want to talk to him, barely wants to know him. Thinks about how many friends he’s lost. How he can’t get help even though he knows he needs it. How he’s never dated before Louis. Thinks about how he cannot even consider being intimate with him other than kissing. Thinks about how commitment feels like a death sentence. His mind poisons him, makes him unable to work properly, makes him ring Niall and lose money.

Harry throws his phone at the wall blindly as he burrows under the duvet, willing himself not to cry as his fingers begin attacking his wrist again. His chest hurts. His head hurts. He wishes he wasn’t such a burden. He wishes he’d done what he attempted before correctly so he wouldn’t have his mind swimming like this anymore. Wishes he were either gone or better. His fingers pinch his wrist harder.

It’s hours later, the day has almost completely passed, when someone walks into his room. He’s still in bed, his back to the door as he stares at nothing, his chest hurting but his mind blank. The door closes and a few seconds later a body slips into bed with him, wrapping their arms around his waist and placing a few kisses on his shoulder. “Never turn your phone off again Haz.” Niall whispers and Harry lets a tear slip; he hates being such a burden.

When they wake up in the morning Niall leads Harry to the bathroom quietly and runs his wrist under cold water to relieve the throbbing a little; the bruises aren’t quite there yet but the pain is. Niall washes Harry’s face gently as they talk quietly. “And we’ll go for a walk after breakfast yeah?” Harry nods. “Was there a reason for yesterday?” Harry shakes his head.

“That’s the worst thing, innit?” Harry whispers, voice slightly hoarse. “There’s all these things in my head but not a trigger, no actual reason. I shouldn’t be this sad, should I?”

“You can be sad Harry. Trigger or none, you can be sad. I’d rather you weren’t but you don’t need to justify it for Christ sakes.” Niall says, taking Harry’s chin in his hand so that he’s looking up at him. Harry opens his mouth to reply but Niall slaps his other hand over his mouth, “If you’re about to apologise, don’t.”

As they’re eating breakfast Harry asks about Louis. “I reckon you should check your phone mate.” Niall shrugs. Harry grabs it as they’re getting ready to leave for their walk, tapping on his mum’s door to let her know they’re going out. When he switches it on, it floods with messages from Louis (27 in fact), 3 from Zayn, 9 from Liam, over 40 from Niall (“I’m not apologising for being worried.”) and a few from other friends.

“Shit.”

“Maybe tell him ab-“

“No.” Harry says harshly and that’s the end of that conversation. Niall sighs, before linking their arms.

~

Harry’s work shifts go back to how they used to be before the beginning of December, 9 till 4 on Saturday and only that. It’s a massive relief to him. December is always a crippling month, attempting to juggle his work, his college load _and_ his mental health all at the same time, plus mock week. This year he had a pretty boy visit him throughout his shifts though so it wasn’t all bad he guesses.

To: **louis .xx** _good luck with your new job today!!!!!! hope you love it and if you don’t it’s only seven months .xxxxxxxxxx_ Harry texts Louis as he waits for Niall to pick him up for college; Louis’ new job is what brought him to the tiny town for only a few months. It’s not too far from where he used to live and his best friend attends Uni here, plus he claims to Harry that he loves small towns. Harry thinks he’s bullshitting because Harry cannot wait to leave this place. Then again he has lived here for his whole life so.

From: **louis .xx** _thnks babe x x x x x x should b fun !!!!! x x x x_

Harry’s smiling as Niall hoots the car horn letting him know he’s there. Harry yells bye to his mum before rushing out the door and into the car. “Ready for today?” Niall asks.

“Ha. Never.” Harry sighs, tucking his phone into his jacket. “What we got though? Lit, an hour break then tutor for like 15 minutes at the most? We’ll be done by half 12.” Harry grins.

“We got a new tutor though, so it may last longer.” Niall reminds.

“Okay, so we’ll finish at 1 at the latest. Not bad day really is it? Then we’ll see Liam after.” Harry says.

“Zayn might be coming as well.” Niall says nonchalant but Harry almost chokes on thin air.

“What? Why?” He’s pretty sure Niall’s cheeks are reddening a bit. He can’t be sure though.

“We got chatting we he came with Lou ages ago, got his number and I just invited him last night. He’s cool. It’s fine right?”

“Y-yeah, just, fuck, he’s Lou’s best mate. Didn’t know you even spoke to him.”

“Hm, well, we do. Quite a bit actually.” Niall shrugs as he parks a few streets away.

“Alright then, it’s cool with me.” Harry shrugs; he likes Zayn, has had many conversations with him in the past few weeks whilst Louis has been doing something to do with his new work. “Tell him to bring Lou if he wants.”

“Already did.” Niall’s the best friend ever, really.

~

After sitting around in the library with Niall and Ed for an hour, Harry really would prefer being anywhere other than the tutor session he’s got to attend. Everyone, even the lecturers, know they’re pointless after the first few weeks in September, and a waste of time, so when they arrive to see no one in the room yet Harry groans again.

“Haz, it’s an hour. It’s not gonna kill you mate, c’mon.” Ed laughs, pushing him into the room. The desks are set in a ‘U’ shape so they sit along the back, Niall and Ed chatting as Harry has his head resting on his forearms whilst contemplating death. He hears a few more students enter, recognises Perrie and Leigh-Anne’s voices as they greet the boys; he waves without raising his head. When he eventually lifts his head up there is still no lecturer but just over a dozen students. He’s thinking about how impressed he is at the turn out when his phone on the desk vibrates. “Lover boy?” Ed asks. Harry elbows him.

From: **louis .xx** _lost on my frst day. fuck. help. chill here tho. miss u x x x x x x x x x x_

Harry’s grins, making his friends catcall because they’re absolute _bastards_ to him, when the door to the room opens. “Shit, thank god. Hello. Sorry ‘m late.” A familiar voice says making Harry’s head snap up.

“ _Fuck._ ”

“Har-“

“I _know_ Niall.” Harry hisses. He isn’t sure if he’s _breathing_. Louis is dressed in black trousers and a black shirt, hair styled beautifully and Harry wants him so badly but. But. He’s a lecturer. At his college. His _tutor_. “Oh my god.” Harry murmurs. Louis isn’t even looking at the class, too busy dumping his laptop and bag on the table but when he eventually does look up, he freezes. Just like Harry. He’s wide eyed and looks like he’s just seen a ghost. Harry thinks he probably looks the same as his tutor. Louis snaps out of his shock quicker than Harry does, but he stutters a bit, eyes fluttering to Harry every other word as Harry continues to stare in shock. He feels a bit sick.

“We’ll do it every four weeks on a rota. I know this is pointless but just come so I don’t get fired, please?” Louis says with a cool smirk and Niall almost chokes on his water. Harry pats him on the back absentmindedly as he still stares wide eyed at Louis. He can’t _stop_.

“Harry, you alright?” Jesy calls over the heads of the others. Harry makes himself look away from Louis and nods slightly, trying to remember how to breathe.

“C-course babe.” He manages. He doesn’t know how. When he looks back at Louis he begins talking again about who will attend when, making sure it’s okay and if anyone would like the time changed but Harry doesn’t focus on any of it because it’s _Louis, here,_ being _his tutor_. His chest is aching and he feels like crying and heartbroken, all at the same time. He doesn’t realise he’s pinching his wrist until Niall slowly pulls his hand away. _God_ , he feels wrecked.

Ten minutes later Louis is dismissing the class with a smile and laugh; Harry notices how the girls are a bit pink cheeked and how the boys in the room are murmuring about how funny Louis is. Harry wants to tell them how Louis made him cry with laughter two nights ago whilst in bed. Harry _also_ wants to bolt out of the room; he has no idea when or what time he’s supposed to be seeing his tutor next because _he’s been dating his tutor for a month_ , but then Louis asks him to stay behind for a second and he freezes. Ed gives him a weird look, especially when Niall hugs him and tells him he’ll be okay, but nods at Louis as he leaves with Niall.

“C-can you wait for me before you leave? I can’t get the train home.” Harry begs. .

“H, the train takes like three min-“.

“Ni, _please_. I-I can’t do it. Can’t – just please?” .

Niall frowns but nods before leaving. Harry leans against a table and openly stares at Louis in his shirt as he says goodbye to the last few stragglers. As soon as the door closes Harry crumples against the table and lets out a whimper. “You’re a bloody lecturer?!”

“You’re a fucking student?!” Louis hisses at the same time as Harry. “You’re _seventeen_?!”

“I’m eighteen you cock! Seventeen is the lower year! I’m nineteen next month for Christ sake.” Harry sighs, “Holy fuck, how have we done this?”

“I thought you were a baker!” Louis hisses, anger evident in his voice.

“You said you were a teacher! A _primary_ school teacher Lou!” Harry says heatedly. “This is a fucking college.”

“You’re eighteen! You could’ve mentioned that when I turned _twenty-three_ two weeks ago!”

“I never even knew it was your birthday you asshole! Or did you skip that part where I never bloody knew!” Harry says, slamming his hand against the table.

“You couldn’t have mentioned your age, or, fuck your age, your occupation!”

“How was I supposed to know you were going to work at my college you absolute prat?!” Harry yells, forgetting about other classes around them.

“Keep your fucking voice down Harry. I should’ve realised, oh my god. I’m such an idiot. I’m such a fucking prat, why do I keep making dumb decisions and mistakes? This, this shouldn’t have happened. I can’t believe this. I’ve – this has ruined everything. Oh my god.” Louis spits, running a hand through his hair and, well. Harry chest throbs at the comments as he grabs his bag and shoulders past Louis, not wanting to hear about how much of a ‘mistake’ he is anymore. He wills the tears away, feeling pathetic but knows he cannot cry in front of Louis. “Where the hell are you going?” Louis demands, grabbing Harry’s arm as he reaches for the door handle. Harry yanks his arm out of Louis’ grip.

“Since you’re such a fucking idiot, I’m leaving. This cock up wasn’t just me, but fuck if I’m going to be considered a mistake. Don’t fucking contact me.” Harry hisses before walking out and slamming the door behind him. The administrators he walks towards near the exit of the centre frown at him disapprovingly but he ignores them as he storms out. He finds Niall and Ed smoking against Niall’s car but he ignores their questions as he slams the car door closed. Harry is furious. He feels like the biggest idiot. He wishes he’d punched Louis. He knows he wouldn’t have but. He should’ve known something would’ve happened. Louis was someone he could’ve seen himself letting his guard down completely, eventually, someone he would’ve spoken about the darkness and his fears with. He hates himself for this. This is his fault.

“Haz?” Niall says gently. Harry looks up to see Ed and Niall are now in the car looking at him. “You okay babe?”

“I’m going to cut his fucking balls off.” Harry says. Ed laughs.

“Ni told me about Louis Haz. Fuck mate, what’d he do?”

“He, he, was just a total fucking wanker and I wish I had kneed him one honestly. God I thought I could’ve loved him.” Harry says, squeezing his eyes tightly shut to stop himself from crying. _don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry,_ he repeats in his head.

“Shit H.” Niall whispers.

“Just, just please, can we go home?” Harry whispers. He doesn’t get a reply but the car purrs into life and then they’re driving.

They don’t go home. They go to Niall’s. Ed refuses to go home even when Harry tells him not to be stupid but he just rolls his eyes, reminds him they have matching tattoos, that he worries about Harry and was coming over to say goodbye to Liam later anyway so. Harry sighs and turns over in Niall’s bed, curling himself into a ball. Liam is there minutes later and takes Ed downstairs. Ed’s never seen Harry like this, Liam only has once but Niall, Niall is the one who has most. Niall will leave a party or college or a date if Harry cancels on him or doesn’t reply to any texts for 90 minutes. It’s Niall who cares for the bruises and cuts and puts Harry into a shower after the bad days.

“Ni, go down with the boys. I’ll be there in 10 minutes.” Harry says. The lie tastes normal on his tongue. He hates how normal lying seems to him now. Niall walks around the bed, pushes Harry onto his back, peels the duvet away, and then crawls over him. “Niall- ” Harry starts, wondering what the fuck Niall is doing until he’s wrapping his arms around Harry’s shoulders and turning them onto their side so Harry is swallowed up in Niall’s limbs. Harry gets it now.

“You say you feel like you’re suffocating when you’re down. You can suffocate in me.” It’s the weirdest, most twisted thing Harry’s ever heard, yet the most beautiful. Harry wraps his arms around Niall’s waist and clings to his best friend. He’s not sure how long they’ve been like that when there’s a knock at the door.

“One sec.” Niall calls as he pulls back to look down at Harry. “Feel okay to come down for some food? We’re getting pizza but I’ve got some fruit, know how much you like it after days like this.” Niall smiles and Harry loves him so much.

“I love you so much.”

“I know, I love you too. Is that a yes?” Niall asks. Harry nods. He doesn’t feel much better but knows staying upstairs on his own with his mind is much more dangerous. “Good. Proud of ya.” Harry doesn’t know why he’s proud. The both get out of bed and shake out their limbs a bit before letting the person, Zayn, enter.

“Hi, erm, didn’t know if I was still welcome? Got a call from Lou and yeah, fuck. He’s a twat isn’t he?” Zayn says awkwardly. Harry snorts because ‘twat’ is one word to describe Louis he supposes. “Not entirely his fault though, like, but what he said, yeah, he’s a twat.”

“C’mon, let’s get some food yeah?” Niall says, taking Harry by the elbow and leading him downstairs to find Ed and Liam in the kitchen, Zayn behind them.

“You okay Haz?” Ed asks. Harry nods but gratefully accepts the hug he’s offered. He watches Niall and Zayn talk in the corner, both talking seriously until they start giggling and then it’s a downwards spiral of awful, awkward flirting. Harry looks away and hugs Ed tighter for a few seconds before sitting next to Liam.

“You okay?” Liam asks.

“Still want to cut my ex-whatever’s balls off so not really.” Harry shrugs easily.

“Please, don’t. He’s been a dick but I’d have to listen to him moaning about not being about to wank.” Zayn sighs dramatically making them all laugh.

“Only for you Zayn.” Harry sighs but he’s glad Zayn still came over. Niall looks pretty pleased too. Once Niall has made Harry a fruit salad because he is honestly the best human on the planet (and he refused to let Harry make himself one for some reason), they all move to Niall’s loft. It’s filled with a few old sofas, his TV, games consoles, multiple guitars and Harry loves it. Harry heads straight for the old, comfy chair in the corner near the TV with his food as the others set up FIFA and fiddle with the guitars. Harry watches them play and imputes into conversation whenever he wants to but eventually succumbs to sleep willingly.

He jolts awake, heart hammering in his chest, to find the loft empty; food wrappers everywhere, the TV paused and empty bottles but none of his friends. Harry stays in the chair, taking deep breaths to steady his breathing until he hears murmurs on the stairs. “He’s really sad about this.” Someone – Zayn, Harry realises – says.

“Things… hit Haz harder than most people. Someone will call him selfish and it with hurt him like a bullet. Someone he thought he could love, someone he thought could love him, called him a mistake. It must’ve felt like he was dying.” Niall replies.

“Why, why’s he so sensitive?” Zayn asks as they walk back into the room, intrigued, not in the mean way Harry’s used to do.

“He’s just- He’s had a rough time. Not the roughest but like, his dad’s a dick and his mum is lovely, just can get a bit bitchy when she’s angry and takes it out on H, calls him things that to anyone else wouldn’t be too bad but they hurt him harder. Anne’s wonderful, lovely, but sometimes she makes Harry feel awful, terrible about himself. His mind, it’s weaker than most. He gets sad, a lot. The sad ranges though, he says, he says he feels it the majority of the time but some days he can barely cope. Those days he won’t work and I’ll go ‘round and find him in bed, bruises up his arms from pinching himself. I’ll get in bed with him and just hold him. He needs to know we love him and that’s what I do, I remind him. The next morning I’ll shower him, get him breakfast and then we’ll walk.”

“That’s- god.”

“He’s my best mate and deserves the best but, fuck, his mind doesn’t let him have that. Every time he arrives at work or college ‘m proud of him. Every time he texts me ‘m proud of him. He feels like he’s a burden when I say I’m proud of him, but he never could be.” Harry wants to cry, hug and kiss Niall. Niall is brilliant. Niall deserves the world. Harry doesn’t deserve him.

“He’s so lovely. People’s minds can be so awful, can try and destroy us. Harry deserves a good mind.”

“His mind is beautiful. He’s a beautiful person, but his mind is also soaked in darkness and depression and anxiety.”

“Do you think he is, y’know, depressed?” Zayn asks timidly.

“He was diagnosed when he was 14. Back then, I didn’t know. He was a bit emo but I never thought about it y’know? But he was cutting a lot, wanted to be anywhere but here.” 

Harry wants to move, tell Niall how sorry he is, hug him tightly, tell him it’s okay he told Zayn, it’s a shit secret to keep, tell Niall to not worry about him but he can’t move. Physically cannot. He cracks an eye open to see Zayn and Niall curled up on the sofa. Niall, big, strong, cheeky Niall, looks so small and sad and Harry hates being the cause of it.

“You can’t, fuck, tell Lou or Harry or anyone you know this stuff right? ‘m only telling you because I trust you but fuck.” Niall rushes out.

“Babe, it’s fine okay? Louis won’t know why I’m slapping the shit out of him later and Harry won’t know I know.”

“Alright.” Niall whispers. Harry wants to be slightly mad Niall told without asking but Harry can only imagine how hard carrying a secret like that about his best friend must be. Doesn’t know how he’d cope if it was reversed. He doesn’t have it in him to be mad. Harry cracks an eye open again to see Zayn softly kiss Niall and he smiles, despite the pull on his chest. Zayn’s only 20, 21 soon, and Harry knows Niall deserves someone good. Zayn seems good.

“Question.” Zayn says when they stop.

“What?”

“Why are you both still at college? Like, shouldn’t you have left last year?”

“Harry failed because he got bad, and I did a BTEC in music for a year before doing A-Levels. Wanted to see if I could hack both. Apparently I can.”

“Do you think he’ll be okay?”

“I think, I think your boy could’ve done wonders for him.”

“Think ‘m gonna bash his skull in.”

“Zayn.” Harry can almost feel Niall’s eye roll, “Shu’up. But, no, I think Haz will always have this. He’s terrified to get therapy because the doctors didn’t help him last time and knows his mum will worry constantly, so all we can do is be there for him and make sure he knows he’s loved. Make sure he knows he’s not alone. Loneliness worsens him. He loves his mum so much but doesn’t want to worry her again, doesn’t want to see her cry over him again and he can’t tell anyone that she’s part of why he’s like this; he’s terrified she’d find out. So, so, we’ve just gotta be there for him.” Niall’s silent for a few seconds before sighing, “I think your boy could’ve helped Harry a lot.” Harry is lulled back to sleep by the sound of them changing topics.

When he next wakes the room is full of all his friends again, Ed and Liam reappearing from somewhere. He groans and stretches, his back aching from the position he’s been sleeping in and sleepily waves at the others. “Sleep alright H?” Ed asks. Harry nods, yawning as he wakes.

“’m gonna grab a drink, anyone want anything?”

“I’ll come with ya.” Niall says with a smile before they leave the loft with orders from Zayn and Ed.

“So I, eh, woke earlier on when you and Zayn were chatting.” Harry watches Niall freeze as he passes him a mug.

“Haz- shit, fuck I’m so-“ Niall starts to apologise but Harry shakes his head.

“No, no, it’s fine Ni, don’t, don’t get like that. I’m, I don’t mind you telling him, like if you’re both serious about each other – I saw the kissing, you can’t fool me, idiot – and you trust him then, yeah, it’s fine but like, make sure he doesn’t tell Louis? We may not, not be a… thing anymore but I still don’t want him knowing all my, baggage I guess?” Harry rambles, trying to convey his thoughts.

“Course, course, of course I’ll make sure he doesn’t Haz. Promise.” Niall rushes, nodding his head frantically to reassure Harry. It makes Harry smile slightly.

“So are you two… serious?” He asks with a smirk as he watches Niall flush slightly.

“Fuck off you twat.” Niall laughs, “But, yeah, guess we kind of are. We started texting in the middle of November and just haven’t really stopped I guess? He’s cool, studying art and stuff at Uni and it’s just- nice, having him y’know?”

“Bloody hell, Niall – the ultimate ladies’ man - is settling down.” Harry grins.

“Ha, bloody, ha.” Niall rolls his eyes fondly as they walk towards the stairs. “But I guess? Never considered myself a relationship type of guy but then bloody Zayn Malik walks in and that’s it- ‘m fucked.”

“So he tops then?”

“’m gonna fucking kill you one day Styles.” Niall yells as Harry jogs up the remaining steps to find Zayn on the phone, who flashes Harry a small wave and grimace.

“I’ll be- yes… well you fucked it well and truly up didn’t you? … ‘m not gonna be on your side when it’s your fault am I? … I get it’s bad but your job is for _seven_ bloody months … I have no idea if it’s ille – stop being such a – look ‘m gonna come home later alright? Maybe an hour, two tops okay? Fine, love you too, bye.” Zayn sighs, dropping his phone on the floor after he’s ended the call. “Why you ever decided to date him, I’ll never know. Why he’s my best friend, I’ll never know.”

“So, that was Lou I guess?” Harry asks hesitantly as he sits back in the chair, pulling his knees under his chin.

“Hm, said he’s been calling you.”

“Who has?” Niall questions as he pads over to the boys from where he’d been giving Ed his drink.

“My phones downstairs. I told him to not contact me and I meant it.” Harry says stubbornly before rolling onto his side to watch the FIFA match on TV, his heart hammering in his chest as he ignores Niall and Zayn’s continuation of the topic. Eventually they have to leave Niall’s home; Liam needs to get home to finish packing for his return to Uni, Ed has work and Harry wants to sleep for a long time.

“Stay Haz, please stay.” Niall begs as Harry pulls his boots on, ignoring the pleas of his best friends.

“Harry, stay with Ni. C’mon it’ll be-“

“Don’t. Don’t say it will be best for me because it won’t. I’ll be crap company. I’m going home to sleep, nothing more, nothing less.”

“I’ll drive you at least.” Liam relents. Harry shrugs. When he gets home he goes up to bed immediately after dinner, telling his mum he’s exhausted after playing footie with the boys. He tells Niall the next day he fell asleep within minutes but the developing bruises on his wrists say something else.

~

“I tried calling you yesterday.” Louis says when he spots Harry leaving the college building.

“Great.”

“Harry.” Louis sighs.

“’m trying to leave, Louis. I’m trying to go home so if you would just fucking let m-“

“We need to talk Harry, please.” Harry rolls his eyes.

“No, we fucking don’t.” As Harry pushes past Louis he feels slightly victorious for not crying. Tiny steps.

~

“Heard you saw Louis yesterday.” Niall comments the next day as they’re sat in the library, Harry considering whether he could physically suffocate himself with his A Game of Thrones book. He thinks it could work if he manipulated the pages well enough. Maybe.

“News travels fast.”

“Harry.” Niall sighs. It’s the only way anyone says his name right now he thinks.

“Don’t.” Niall doesn’t.

~

From: **louis .xx** _IM SOOOO OO SORRY !!!!!!!!!!!!! x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x_

From: **louis .xx** _haz im so sorry ur not a mistke was just sad pls pls babe im sorry sorry sorry sorr y harry x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x_

From: **louis .xx** _x x x x x x x x x im a twat haz haz pls reply_

From: **louis .xx** _harry_

From: **louis .xx** _i no i fucked up but harry pls reply answer my calls or sumting harry pls please_

From: **louis .xx** _please harry im sorry im sorry im so sorry_

From: **louis .xx** _harry babe please_

That’s only the first few but Harry deletes every text from Louis before turning his phone off again. He’s a mistake apparently so why should he handle the aftermath?

~

“We can’t keep doing this. It’s been over a week, just bloody talk to me.”

“Why should I? ‘m just a mistake. You keep making them remember? This-” Harry motions between them, “is one of them.” 

~

After a few days the world goes back to normal; Harry wakes up, showers, dresses, goes to college, Niall babies over him as they drive, he ignores Louis at all costs, he goes home, sleeps a lot, makes his friends generally worried about him because although he seems fine they know he’s not, he sleeps some more.

Louis drops by work once, two Sunday’s after the incident. Harry walks out back and refuses to serve anyone for two hours. Louis doesn’t come back again.

~

“I said- I always said I never wanted to be one of those people who breaks because of love or infatuation or whatever the fuck I have, _had_. Yet look where the fuck we are.” Harry laughs bitterly as Niall pulls him closer.

“It’s okay to be sad over him Harry, it’s normal.”

“I _hate_ being sad over him.” Harry whispers, “I’m weak and letting it ruin me. I hate that I let my guard, walls - whatever they are - down and started to let him in. _God_ , I hate it so fuckin’ much. I did it _so_ easily, it was _pathetic_. I see, fuck, I see him constantly and I get this overwhelming urge to just fall into his arms and hug him.” Harry wipes his eyes furiously; he _hates_ Louis Tomlinson. “I hate him so fucking much because I barely hate him at all. ‘m angry and sad but I want him so badly and I hate wanting him.”

“Haz-”

“’m so scared that the next time he’ll try and talk to me I’ll cave, just give in.”

“Why, why would it be bad if you do?”

“Because that’ll make me weak Niall!” Harry almost yells, startling Niall. “I’ll be even more pathetic; weak for some stupid fucking boy who makes me feel so, so…” Harry cries hard, harder than he ever has in front of someone before; he can feel his cheekbones aching from the heavy sobs and deep breathes he’s trying to take. He can barely breathe.

“H, H, H.” Niall’s repeating as he turns Harry onto his back so that he can pull him into a sitting position. “Harry, breathe. Fucking _breathe_. C’mon, breathe with me yeah?” Niall pleads as he cups his face, “In and out with me yeah?”

“I can’t, I can’t b-believe ‘m like this o-over a dumb, boy.” Harry sniffles when his breathing has calmed down. He _hates_ being like this. 

“Harry, babe, I’m going to ask you something and you have to give me a straight answer okay, please?”

“W-what? What is it Ni?” Harry asks, multiple thoughts zooming through his mind in panic. There are so many questions that could be asked and so many he never wants to answer.

“Why has this hurt you so much? You started dating, what two weeks before Christmas? It wasn’t even a month babe but you’re- fuck, frankly you’re a wreck.” Niall sighs as he pushes Harry’s curls away from his burning cheeks, “Why does this hurt so much?” Harry doesn’t even think before replying, knowing that if someone deserves the truth in this world, it’s Niall, even if Harry never wants anyone to know.

“It hurts, it hurts when people leave; dad, his parents, my old friends… Louis. ‘m always left y’know? ‘ve got you and Li and whoever and fuck, I’m _lucky_ but I feel, I feel like ‘m constantly being left? And, and, I thought – god, I _hoped_ Lou wouldn’t but. Well, y’know.” Harry feels Niall wipe away a stray tear, hates himself for being like this. “’m a mess and I fooled myself into thinking that maybe, maybe, I would be lucky enough to find someone who wanted to stick around first time right? And, fuck, god, I know it’s dumb. I’ve only known him for what? Three months? I fooled myself. ‘m such a joke.” Harry laughs, wet and bitter. “’m such a fucking joke because he, he didn’t. _Hell,_ my own fucking dad didn’t, so why would he? I, I made this dumb fucking world in my stupid head that, that we could be something good. That maybe, maybe, I had found another person, as well as you and Li and Ed, that I trusted and who would- I don’t even know. Not leave I guess? But, but, ‘m never gonna have that Ni. And this made me realise that.”

“What Haz?” Niall asks, voice croaky with emotion. Harry hates that he did that. “What aren’t you going to have?”

“’m never – fuck Ni – ‘m never going to have a relationship that survives. I always, will always need more than I give and that’s not fucking fair. I act cynical as hell, _am_ cynical as hell but god, I just, just want someone who is willing, willing to love me how I am; broken and fucked up and shitty. That’s, that’s just never gonna happen is it Ni? ‘m never gonna have that person because, because. I just won’t.” Harry sighs, no tears left and numb. “I’m never going to have what I want because I take too much and give too little and no one wants – deserves - that.” Niall’s speechless; literally cannot make himself talk and reassure his best friend that _he will_ fall in love, he _does_ deserve love and that he is _not_ broken. But, but he can’t. He cannot phantom ever thinking that about himself, cannot phantom how anyone as special as his best friend can think that about themselves. He deserves the fucking _world_.

He wants to tell Harry that Louis wants Harry too, wants Harry just as much as Harry wants him, wants to laugh with his best friend about how utterly disgusting Louis is around Zayn’s flat because of his moping but he… can’t. Because his best friend isn’t just sad, or deprived of love, or moping. His best friend has a mental health disorder that is complex and Niall’s not sure what to do except from hold him tighter to reassure him that he’s got him; he’ll always have Niall.

“I, I think I would like to sleep.” Harry mutters, breaking Niall from his thoughts.

“I think that that would be a good idea babe.”

“Hm, me too.” Harry murmurs as Niall gets off of Harry so he can get comfortable.

“Harry?”

“Yeah Ni?”

“You deserve love and will find it babe. You’re so easy to love and anyone who walks away from that is the dumbest person I know. I wish you would realise how special you are.” Niall whispers; he can’t find the words to tell him how important he is.

“It just gets a bit hard to believe when most people leave. ‘m fed up of being left.” Harry sniffs as he closes his eyes, his breathing evening out moments later. As he slides onto the floor beside Harry’s bed, grabbing his phone from the bedside desk, Niall knows he can’t change Harry’s complex of himself but he can change one thing; the trigger of the past few weeks.

“He doesn’t want to see me, when will you two get it through your thick bloody heads? It took me long enough to realise, now you two should!” Louis protests grumpily as he, Niall and Zayn stand in Harry’s lounge. Niall’s never been so happy that Harry’s parents sometimes work on Saturday’s.

“He’s, fuck Lou, he’s a wreck. Not, not just over this as such but, like, this hasn’t helped. Has made him worse, y’know? It’s hard to explain but he really needs you.”

“Lou just go up there and see him, please?” Zayn pleads.

“He’ll just start yelling or something! He doesn’t want to see me!”

“But he does! He really fucking does Louis. He’s just stubborn and has this, this complex and - I can’t fucking tell you about it because only he can but, but, he wants to see you. He’s, he’s so much stronger than you think and he let you in far more than most people, took _me_ ages to crack his shell but not you, he let you in and it’s eating him alive that he thinks you don’t give a shit, that you just left easily.”

“He can’t- does he never read his goddamn phone? He can’t honestly- oh for goodness sakes!” Louis sighs exasperated before stomping up the stairs to Harry’s bedroom. Niall turns to look at Zayn, confused, but he only shrugs before hugging Niall. 

“He’s so sad it hurts. Lou isn’t the magic fix but I didn’t know what else to do.”

“He’ll fix his fuck up, promise.” Niall just sighs as he hears Harry’s bedroom door open, deciding to leave them to it. 

Louis walks in to Harry’s room to find blankets and pillows on the floor and a boy with curls burrowed under the navy and white duvet. He lets the door fall closed behind him as he walks over to the younger boy; his face red and blotchy as he frowns slightly in his sleep before wrinkling his nose a little as Louis pushes a few curls away gently. It warms Louis’ heart. He never stood a chance with this boy, did he? He plants himself in Harry’s desk chair, deciding to let him sleep a little longer before they get into it; whatever ‘it’ is. 

“Lou?” Harry murmurs softly an hour or so later, startling Louis from his phone. Harry looks half awake and sad and Louis’ heart breaks a little. 

“Hey babe.” Louis smiles slightly as he drops to his knees, shuffling so he’s on the side of the bed. He goes to push Harry’s curls off of his face but stops to see if Harry protests; when he doesn’t he continues and watches Harry smile slightly. 

“If I wasn’t half awake I’d probably tell you to fuck off.” Louis’ smile falters. 

“I- I can if you want? Like, I told Niall you didn’t want to see me but-“ 

“No, no, you can stay, I guess.” Harry yawns slightly, snuggling into the pillow a bit more sleepily. 

“Oh. Okay.” Louis isn’t sure what he’s supposed to say. 

“What ya doin’ here anyway?” 

“Ni rung, said maybe we should ‘ave a talk. I will leave if you want? I told ‘em you didn’t want to talk but then they said you thought I gave up on you easily and walked away easily and – do you ever even have your phone _on_ because I didn’t stop texting you babe.” 

“Turned it off. Too painful.” Harry whispers before pushing himself up in bed and rubbing his eyes, wincing slightly. It makes Louis frown. “If, if you’re here to just fuck off again I’d rather you did it now y’know? Rather it was done and dusted because I, I just feel like such a fool and want this over with honestly.” Harry’s chest, eyes, arms, even his _cheekbones_ , hurt. He wants this over with so he can go back to sleep and get used to the thought of someone else walking out. 

"Harry.” Louis breathes out before cupping Harry’s face, “Harry ‘m not, fuck, ‘m not here to ‘fuck off’ or whatever you think I am. I’m here to, god, I’m here to tell you that this – us not talking – is the last thing I ever wanted. I was just worried, I guess, but I think, if you wanted, we could make this work. I was a right bloody wanker to you at college, I know that now and I knew that as soon as I said the words and I didn’t, fuck, I never meant that you were a mistake. God, no way. You’re the best bloody thing that’s happened to me since… forever I suppose. Harry Styles you are brilliant and I don’t deserve you and how in hell you think I could just willingly leave you, I’ll never know.” 

“You, you, Lou, you called me a, mistake. You called me a fucking _mistake_.” Harry sobs. 

“Fuck Harry I didn’t, I swear to god, I did not mean that. I’m sorry, I am so sorry baby. I was confused and in shock but never for one second did I mean anything that was coming out of my mouth then.” 

“You, you literally confirmed all my thoughts that day and it fucking. Lou, you called me a mistake.” Harry repeats. 

“Haz, babe, whatever thoughts you were having that were that negative, forget because I’ve never wanted someone as much as I want you. ‘ve been a mess, the flat is a fucking tip because all I do is mope. I dated you for a month and you turned me upside down and inside out and it was the best thing ever to happen to me. Harry Styles, you scare me because you’re so important to me. I am so sorry.” 

“Lou.” Is all Harry says as he cries into Louis’ shoulder, shaking and sobbing. All Louis can do is hold the back of his head and stroke his hair in a somewhat comforting way. 

“’m so scared you’re _it_ for me Harry, because I’ve only known you a few months.” Louis mutters. Harry cries harder. 

“I-I don’t know w-what to do Lou, b-but I know I can’t keep doing this without you right now.” 

“Right now?” 

“Right now. I can’t promise a future if ‘m not sure what even tomorrow brings.” Harry whispers, almost ashamed at the uncertainty. 

"If right now is all I get, it’s what I’ll take. Everything that happens is down to you babe, okay?” Harry nods against Louis chest. Louis takes it as a small win. “Do you wanna go back to sleep? It’s only 3pm.” 

“Please. I feel shitty but, please stay with me.” Harry whispers and Louis has never been gladder to fall asleep during the day. He wakes with a start only 40 minutes later as Niall and Zayn sneak into Harry’s bedroom. He’s careful as he moves out of bed to join them so that Harry isn’t woken by his movements. 

“Why’re you up here? Thought you must’ve gone home or something.” 

“Nah. Anne’s home, told her we were just getting drinks. Have you met her yet?” Louis shakes his head. “Not surprised. Don’t worry, she’s lovely.” Niall shrugs, hesitating slightly. 

“I feel like there’s a ‘but’ in that sentence.” Louis says as he slides onto the floor with them. 

“She can make Harry feel crappy like 50% of the time. But ‘m sure he’ll tell you that at some point.” 

“Maybe not, we’re not like dating or anything again. We’re in the ‘right now’ currently. I‘ll take what I can get honestly. He was so sad and he doesn’t deserve to be sad. I can’t believe I did that y’know?” 

“Hey, don’t like, beat yourself up over it alright? You were a total asshole, yeah, but Harry’s not as simple as he seems. You weren’t the only thing affecting him.” 

“What do you mean?” 

“Niall.” Zayn warns as Niall goes to reply but he waves him off. 

“He’s, he’s much more vulnerable than us alright? He’s complex but also the greatest person you’ll ever meet, that’s all.” Niall shrugs. 

“Complex?” Louis frowns. The boy he knows is a ball of sunshine. It doesn’t make sense to him. 

“Yeah but like, he’s fine and great as you know. Wait for him to tell you alright? I shouldn’t ‘ave even told you that he’s complex and I can’t tell you anymore but if you ask him, he’ll push you away further okay? So don’t.” 

“Is, is he alright though?” Louis ask timidly. Niall nods slowly. 

“Yeah. He’s the strongest person I know honestly. You have nothing to worry about.” Louis smiles, the words settling his worries as he glances back at the sleeping boy. He doesn’t notice Zayn’s sigh or Niall’s shrug. 

~ 

“‘m 19 today.” Harry whispers to Louis as they watch the sunrise from his bedroom window, the duvet wrapped around them both as Zayn and Niall snore on the extra mattress they pulled out from under Harry’s bed. 

“Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday to my favourite boy, happy birthday to you.” Louis sings quietly making Harry giggle into his shoulder. 

“We’re gonna be alright Lou I think.” Harry reassures when they snuggle into bed an hour later. 

“Sure?” Harry’s not because he knows Louis will leave again, but he smiles and nods because he wants a little more time with him. He will just have to wait for the inevitable to happen. 

~ 

It’s been three weeks and it still hasn’t happened. It’s weighing on Harry because he’s making sure that he continually studies Louis; how his eyes crinkle when he’s happy and how he laughs, his tattoos and the way he kisses. Harry’s waiting for the pin to drop, for Louis to realise he should’ve left when he could of, because he knows it will happen. Yet… it’s been three weeks and it still hasn’t. Harry’s not sure why. 

He will take what he can get though, but he knows it happening sooner rather than later is the best thing for him. He’s never been good at doing what’s best for himself though. 

They are somehow making it work. They’re still not clear whether their relationship is illegal or what-not because Louis isn’t actually teaching a class, he’s just a temporary tutor helping with the colleges’ lack of staff for now because he’s only part of the administration team, but to be on the safe side he arranged for Harry to be transferred out of his tutor session anyway. 

“You look better than you did.” Niall says when he sits down opposite Harry in the library. 

“…Great?” 

Niall rolls his eyes, “Yes it is great. You were so sad over it H, it’s nice to see a smile on your face more.” 

“’m not like… healed or anything.” Harry frowns. 

“I didn’t mean that. I _meant_ that it’s nice to see you happier than you were when he cocked up. I know having a nice boy to fall asleep with some nights isn’t a cure or anything, but like, it’s helping right?” 

“I guess. It’s nice to sneak out at 4am to go on long walks or get kisses when I’m feeling sad.” Harry shrugs as he plays with his pen, “He helps a little? ‘m just savouring it.” 

“Savouring it? What?” 

“Nothing, ‘ve gotta go. Got class. See you later.” Harry rushes, picking up his books and paper before leaving hastily. He doesn’t want to have to explain to Niall what he knows is bound to happen or the crippling weight he feels when he thinks about it. 

He’s savouring his and Louis’ time right now, because he knows it will end soon. 

~ 

“Haz? Can you see me yet?” 

“Wait – yeah, kinda, now I can! God it’s good to see your ugly mug again.” Harry smirks. 

“Suddenly I don’t miss you in the slightest.” Liam grins. 

“Shu’up, you miss me loads.” 

Harry watches Liam roll his eyes before softly smiling at Harry, “So you seem happier than you were when I left.” 

“You know we sorted it all out.” 

Liam hums, “So, what happened? Why was he such a cock?” 

“I was bit of a mess I guess.” Harry shrugs, “He was there when I woke up the day after I spoke to Niall about it and – he said he wasn’t going to leave. I, I don’t know if he was, is, telling the truth but he’s still here isn’t he? Like, I dunno, he makes me happier so I’ll take it for now. He apologised and I accepted. We’ll see.” 

“You can’t wait for him to leave Harry. You’ve got to trust him.” Liam says seriously. Harry shrugs – he doesn’t trust many people and trusting Louis is even harder now. Harry vaguely hears someone call ‘hello’ to Liam as he carries on talking, “He’s being good to you, yeah? The tutor bit isn’t givin’ you two any shit?” 

“No, no, I moved classes and he’s not technically a lecturer, just an admin person really so we’re not really sure what it all means. We’ll see I guess.” 

“He makes you happy though yeah?” Liam asks. 

“Happier. Yeah.” Harry smiles – he can’t tell Liam he makes him happy because he doesn’t remember the last time he ever felt truly happy, no hint of sadness ever, but he also doesn’t remember being as happy as he is with Louis before, so. Liam grins before someone sits on his lap in a blur. 

“Harry? That you?” 

“Soph?! What the bloody hell-“ 

“Surprise.” Liam mutters drily from behind Sophia as she shuffles on his lap so that he can see over her shoulder. 

“Soph, you do realise you’re in _London_ , your Uni isn’t in London babe.” Harry grins, happy to see Liam’s girlfriend after so long considering she went on holiday for the majority of the Christmas period so was unable to meet up with him and Niall. 

“God, you still think you’re funny.” She grins as she rolls her eyes. Liam laughs before placing a kiss on her shoulder. Harry smiles wider, glad one of his best friends is so happy. “Got a reading week this week so I took the executive – and irresponsible – decision to come see this one. He was pining over me.” 

“I was not!” Liam protests. 

Sophia grins, “He protests Haz but you should’ve heard him when I surprised him. _God_ , it would’ve made your cynical ass cry.” Harry laughs as Liam rolls his eyes before leaning up to kiss Sophia’s cheek fondly – he really misses having them around sometimes. “But, hang on, wait? Is lil Harry even cynical anymore? I’ve heard there’s a boy.” 

Harry sighs before shrugging, “There’s a boy.” 

“Boy as in ‘he works at my college, was a bit of a knob but seems like a good guy and has Niall’s approval and is twenty-three’.” Liam murmurs with a smirk. 

“Ah, I’ve heard about the sad part. That all over now?” Sophia leans towards the camera with a soft smile. 

Harry nods because he supposes it is for now, “Yeah. We’re good. Got a week off right now so ‘ve been with him quite a lot. And Niall and Zayn.” 

“Ah yes, Niall’s got a man as well! You’re growing up!” 

“We’re the same age.” Harry says drily. 

“Semantics.” Sophia dismisses. “But no, seriously Harry, you’re okay yeah? With the whole dating thing? Know it’s a bit, new.” If there was one thing about Liam’s girlfriend that Harry loves, it’s that she knows him very well, been one of his closest friends for nearly two years and understands his feelings regarding relationships a bit better than Liam. Liam stays quiet as Harry nods; Harry knows it’s because he likes how close Soph and Harry are. 

“It’s – new? But, nice I guess. Having someone I can go to and just cuddle if I want. It’s complicated but, I like it. Dunno if I’d rush into doing it again if this goes pear-shaped but, y’know. It’s nice, with Lou.” Harry mumbles. 

“From what we’ve heard, he sounds like a stand up guy.” Liam imputes, “Despite the minor fuck up last month, he seems nice? Niall really likes him – raves about how he’s good for you.” 

“You guys sound like you’re my parents.” Harry huffs. 

“Oh hush up babe, we’re just making sure he’s not bad for you.” 

Harry studies the couple on his laptop screen for a few seconds before muttering “And? What do you think?” Sophia puts her elbow on the table as Liam stretches. 

“Niall’s sent us a few snapchat’s of you two over the past week – they’re disgustingly cute – and considering he’s got Niall’s approval, plus you texting me random things about him when you want makes it clear he makes you happy, so we like him. Although, obviously Soph hasn’t met him yet but from what I’ve seen and what you two say - yeah, we like him.” Both of them nod. Harry sighs happily. 

“Wow, he’s got the parents seal of approval. He should feel honoured.” 

Liam chuckles, “It’s not the proper one until we met him.” 

“You’ll like him – both of you will – I can tell.” Harry smiles shyly. 

“Good. Well we’ve got a date so we’re gonna get going but Skype Tuesday night yeah? Just wanted to make sure you were good.” Liam smiles. 

“Of course. Have fun! Love you both.” Harry waves. 

“Bye Haz!” Sophia calls before rushing, “He’s super fucking hot by the way, well done.” Before exiting the call making Harry laugh. 

When Louis flops onto Harry’s bed an hour later from his drive over, Harry grins at him. “You’ve got the parents seal of approval.” 

“What?” Louis asks confused because he knows Harry’s real parents don’t know about them. 

“Sophia and Liam apparently like you. Niall’s been sending snapchat’s.” 

“Fuckin’ Niall.” Louis groans before making grabby hands at Harry, “Come, come cuddle and sleep.” 

“It’s three in the afternoon.” 

“ _Pleeeeease_.” 

~ 

“Which shirt, grey or black?” 

“What with?” Harry asks sleepily as he watches a near naked Louis choose his shirt. It’s too damn early for consciousness Harry thinks, but Louis being basically naked helps his mornings. A lot. 

“Black trousers.” 

“No tie?” 

“Nah, not today.” 

“Black shirt then. Can I go back to sleep now please?” 

Louis laughs as he drops both shirts onto the bed before crawling over Harry, “Of course you can babe. ‘t’s nice waking up to you.” Harry hums in agreement as Louis kisses him. 

“G’night now Lou.” Harry sighs, patting Louis’ cheek, repressing a smile as he snuggles down in bed listening to Louis’ laugh. 

“Bloody cheek. See you later babe.” Harry falls back to sleep to the sound of Louis pottering around the bedroom. Later when Niall and him are chatting on the second floor before Harry’s final class starts, Niall swats him on the arm, “Behind you.” 

“Holy bloody god, I hate myself.” Harry groans at the sight. 

“Huh?” 

“I chose the shirt. I should’ve remembered him in all black makes me wanna melt.” 

Niall rolls his eyes, “Wouldn’t say that too loud mate.” Harry pouts. Louis smirks as he walks past, making Niall cackle. Harry groans and goes to class early. 

~ 

To: **ni (light of my life)** _going home. can’t do rest of day. see you tomorrow_

To: **ni (light of my life)** _.xx_

Two hours later he hears his mum greeting Niall and smiles slightly. He didn’t expect Niall to follow him tonight; it’s a college night and he knows Niall should probably be with Zayn or doing coursework currently. “You haven’t had a bad day in a while.” Niall mumbles as he slides into Harry’s bed. 

“Not sure what happened. Everything got too much.” 

“That’s okay. Thank you for texting me.” 

“Thank you for staying with me.” They both know he’s not just thanking Niall for coming tonight but it goes unsaid. 

“Sleep.” Harry does. 

~ 

“I don’t wanna call you your name anymore, ‘t’s dumb.” Louis mumbles at the beginning of March as he and Harry are sat watching films. 

“If you’re gonna propose, don’t.” Harry says without looking away from his Psychology textbook. 

“What – fuck – no!” Louis splutters from behind him. 

Harry rolls his eyes with a laugh, “What were you gonna say then?” 

“I- boyfriend. I want to call you my boyfriend, not my- no, bloody hell, ‘m not proposing yet.” Now _that_ makes Harry move to look at Louis. 

“Yet?” He asks with a raised eyebrow. 

Louis shrugs sheepishly, “Never know what the future brings, y’know? I like you a lot.” 

“It’s been like, five months? I’ve known you since October – isn’t it a bit, soon? To be thinking about that. _Christ_.” 

Louis laughs as he shuffles over to Harry. He cups his face before he speaks, “Don’t over think this alright? ‘m not saying I want to marry you right this moment, Christ you’re _nineteen_. But like, ‘m not, ‘m twenty-three and that doesn’t seem old but all me mates who are the same age are starting to settle down or at least think about it y’know? I want us to work out, for the long haul, otherwise I wouldn’t be in this –“ 

“Me neither.” Harry interrupts; the truth terrifying him because he’s never wanted commitment but _fuck_ he really likes this boy, yet Louis doesn’t know everything about Harry and _that_ scares him. It adds a new dynamic to their relationship, but one he doesn’t want to add yet. 

“That’s – bloody hell – that’s great Haz.” Louis grins, “We’ve barely been together; this is something I‘ve hardly thought about but I’m not going to pretend I haven’t thought about it, alright? I know there are things you’re not telling me, things going on with you right now that I don’t know.” Harry’s heart stops as his eyes widen. 

“I-“ Harry croaks out because this is it, this is what he’s been waiting for. Louis can’t deal with the secrets and Harry isn’t in a place to tell him. _Fuck_ , Harry feels like crying. 

“Hey, hey, don’t panic. I don’t mind alright? These things, you don’t have to tell me. Of course, I’d like it if you did but I’d never pressure you into it okay? They’re your problems; I’d never make you tell me.” 

“R-really?” Harry asks timidly, his heart thundering in his chest. He can’t tell Louis yet about his sadness and past, how scared he is and his thoughts. _He can’t_ do it. 

Louis nods, “Of course. Hey stop panicking yeah? I can see the panic on your face but I, I won’t make you tell me. But if you ever want to, you can alright? I’m not leaving anytime soon and I, I lo- _really_ like you Harry.” Harry can’t believe what he’s hearing, that this beautiful boy doesn’t mind that there are things Harry can’t tell him, that he won’t pressure Harry into telling him, that he _never_ has to tell him if he doesn’t want to. Harry can’t believe it. 

“I’ve – ‘ve always, like, secretly wanted kids and marriage and domestic things.” Harry mumbles after a few quiet minutes, his chest feeling heavy and heart still hammering. 

“Are, are you saying that just because-“ 

“No Lou, I have always wanted it. I’ve always wanted a long relationship and just, domestic things.” 

“Domestic things?” Louis laughs. 

“Domestic things.” Harry nods with a grin. “’m not eloquent or anything but I wouldn’t mind being your boyfriend.” 

“Fuck, I forgot I asked you that. Really?” Louis bits his lip, nervous all of a sudden. 

Harry rolls his eyes, “We’ve just discussed _marriage_ after knowing each other for five months. What do you think?” Harry doesn’t get an answer because Louis kisses him instead. 

~ 

“How long until you can leave?” Harry asks as he abruptly enters the empty classroom making Louis look up sharply from his laptop. 

“Erm.” 

“Well?” 

Louis frowns, “I can now probably.” He shrugs before standing, “What’s wrong? You seem… snappy.” 

“I just want to go home and cuddle okay?” Harry snaps as he dumps his bag on the floor before resting his forehead against the wall length window. He takes a deep breath, then another, and then another. He can do this. He can stay calm and collected. He _can_. 

“Harry-” 

“Can we just please fucking leave?” Harry demands, not moving from his current position. 

“Babe.” Louis sighs. 

“Lou just - please?” Harry rolls his head to the side to look at his boyfriend; he looks frustrated and sad and Harry knows he’s probably half the cause. The guilt that blooms in his chest is the cherry on top of his day. “Just, please – I can’t – I’ve had a shitty day and just want to go home. With you.” 

Louis nods, “Okay. Okay. Let me grab my laptop and paperwork and then we’ll leave.” 

“Do you want me to go now and meet you?” 

Louis shakes his head, “No. Not in the mood you’re in. We’ll go together but use different exits, okay?” Harry nods with a frown but decides against telling Louis he doesn’t have to worry about him. Today’s been exhausting, no more than usual, but he just wants to curl up in a ball with someone, not on his own like normal. 

Once in Louis’ car ten minutes later Harry rests his head back with a sigh as the car starts, crappy pop music that Louis’ thrives on instantly starting. “Okay, so I know you’re not in the best mood considering it’s been over a minute and you haven’t moaned about my tunes.” 

“Ha – bloody – ha.” Harry rolls his eyes, “Maybe ‘m just becoming too used to it.” 

“You can’t be fucking conditioned to music Harry.” Louis laughs. 

“You probably could.” Harry giggles – for the first time today his mood lifting briefly. Louis generally has that effect on him. 

“You don’t usually meet me at the college to go home. Why was today so bad babe?” Louis asks quietly after a few silent moments. 

Harry rolls his head to look at Louis with a gentle smile on his face, “Shitty day. Shitty people. Just wanna relax honestly. With you, preferably.” 

“Your wish is my command.” 

“Aren’t I thankful?” Harry rolls his eyes with a soft smile as Louis tangles their hands together. 

Louis is the something good in his life that he never wanted until he got it. 

They curl up in Louis’ bed with crappy food and crappy TV until Harry mutters how sometimes he feels sad, that it makes him exhausted and grouchy. Louis kisses his forehead, holds him tighter and tells him that that’s okay. Harry supposes that’s the closest he can get to the truth for now. 

~ 

“Harry, he won’t stop ringing my phone. Please come out.” Niall says through the door. 

“No.” Harry cries, head burrowed in his knees. Everything hurts, _everything hurts_. Niall’s quiet outside as Harry cries, sobs trembling through his body. Louis is the last person he wants to talk to when he’s feeling like this, he can’t cope with his mind let alone his boyfriend. It’s been months since he’s felt so bad that he’s resulted into a crying mess but over the past few weeks he’s felt it worsen, the weight in his chest get heavier, the feeling of drowning more intense; the fight with his mum sparked these suppressed feelings to life. 

“I can’t, can’t come out. Can’t.” Harry blubbers, sniffing as he attempts to wipe the non-stop tears away. 

“C’mon, just let me in, please.” Niall begs. 

“I, I can’t. Ni, please, go home.” Harry sobs tugging on his hair. “Just, just go home. ‘m, ‘m not coming out until I’m alone.” Harry knows he’s being selfish, worrying his best friend and not letting him help but he can’t. He can’t let him near him. 

_Selfish. Hopeless. Pathetic. Awful. Disgusting._ his mind chants as Niall sighs. “Selfish, selfish, selfish, fuck.” Harry whispers under his breath. 

“Bye Harry, love you. Text me when you’re feeling it.” Niall murmurs a few minutes later before Harry hears his bedroom door, then the house door close. He breathes out a sigh of relief before moving from the bathroom door to sit on the side of the bath once he’s absolutely sure Niall has left. He peels off his jogging bottoms so he can look at the bloody scratches on his ankle; red and a few drops of blood but not serious. Harry cries harder. 

“Can’t do this, can’t do this.” Harry mumbles under his breath as he looks at the red splotches on his wrist. The feeling of helplessness squeezes his chest, is unbearable, as he crumples to the ground. He can’t stop sobbing, he can’t _stop._

He leaves the bathroom later, he’s not sure how much later, to find Niall playing on his phone. He looks up to see Harry stood in the en suite doorway, trembling. “Ni?” Harry asks, confused, as he wipes furiously at his cheeks. 

“Let’s get you into bed yeah?” Harry nods as Niall pulls the duvet back so he can crawl in. “Haven’t been this bad in a while.” 

“I know. We argued.” 

“I guessed.” Niall says, hugging Harry closer to his chest. 

“I love her so much. Wish I wasn’t such a disappointment.” 

“You know you’re not. She’s so proud of you, she just gets angry and so do you. This isn’t because of her, this is because of multiple weeks’ worth of sadness. You know that.” 

“I wish I could get help.” Harry mumbles. 

“So do I.” 

~ 

Harry wakes up to kisses being placed on his forehead as a hand strokes through his hair. Harry frowns because he fell asleep with _Niall_. “Morning babe.” A voice whispers. 

“Lou?” Harry mumbles sleepily as he opens his eyes to be greeted by a tired looking Louis smiling at him. 

“Sleep well?” 

“Kinda.” Harry smiles; his face aches from last night, his eyes and cheeks sore. “You look tired.” 

“Well, I was trying to ring my boyfriend all night but when he wouldn’t talk to me and I could bloody _hear_ the stress in his best friends voice, sleeping wasn’t really a great option.” 

Harry’s suddenly becomes more awake, his eyes widening as he looks at Louis. “Lou, I’m so-“ 

“No, don’t. It was shitty, yeah, but I sat with Zayn until I fell asleep then drove over here when Ni text me at eight. It was shitty and horrible but it’s okay.” 

“It’s not though.” 

“Maybe.” Louis shrugs, “But whatever was wrong is your business y’know? Do you want a shower?” 

Harry stares at Louis for a few seconds before nodding slowly, “Ye-yeah.” 

Louis places a kiss on his forehead before standing, “I’ll be downstairs.” 

“But, but, mum?” 

“Met her this morning. Lovely woman.” Louis smiles, not noticing Harry’s slight frown. “I’ll bring you some food up.” Harry nods slowly as Louis leaves the room. 

To: **ni (light of my life)** _thank you for last night. where are you? when did you leave? know I need help but it’s scary, esp after that time. love you loads, thank you always .xxxxx_ After Harry’s had a shower he checks his phone to see two messages from Niall. 

From: **ni (light of my life)** _left once lou got there, hope thats ok hes there didnt want u on ur own ????? am at z’s. last nigt was hard but lov u a lot h. yh u do need help but if thats just tellin me then thats ok. me n z are always here xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx_

From: **ni (light of my life)** _ps. also fink u shld tell him h. he was v worried n clearly loves u a lot. wil be gd 4 u/. x_

Harry sighs just as Louis walks into the room with two plates of food, “Everything okay?” 

“Yeah, just Ni. Erm, I wanna, discuss last night, if that’s, eh, okay?” Harry mumbles, taking a plate from Louis and avoiding eye contact. 

“Of course babe, yeah definitely.” They both sit cross-legged on the bed with their food in silence for a minute or two before Harry sighs. 

“I can’t – I’m not ready to tell you it all but like, last night, I was just sad. I argued with my mum and it makes me – sad. So sad, because I know I’m taking my, my shitty thoughts and feelings out on her and it’s my fault I’m making her so sad. Last night they just came, crashing down I guess? Last night doesn’t happen much – that bad anyway.” 

“What, what did you fight about?” Louis asks quietly. 

“Something dumb. Dunno. It was on text – I’ve privated my twitter account because she always tweets really blunt things to me or I accidently cause an argument, and she’s not happy about it. It’s been like it for a while but then, last night I was quiet, and ‘m guessing I snapped at her or something because she started telling me how I was ungrateful and rude and selfish – the usual – and it just, hurt.” 

“The-“ Louis coughs to clear his voice, “the usual?” 

Harry nods, “Since I turned 18, we barely stop arguing.” 

“That was over a year ago Harry.” 

“I know.” Harry laughs slightly, “Whatever she says hurts so much y’know? Because she’s my _mum_. I came upstairs sad and angry, trying to calm down though but then, she starts texting me. Telling me how she’s fed up with my attitude and barely talking to her and – it got a bit too much. Normally I’m okay –“ The lie sticks in his throat a bit, makes his chest hurt a bit more – “but last night I couldn’t, couldn’t deal with it apparently.” Harry shrugs, “’m okay though. Now.” Another lie that makes Harry hate himself a bit more. Louis is quiet for a while before sighing softly. 

“No you’re not.” 

Harry’s head snaps up, “What?” 

“Okay. You’re not okay. I can tell; you look withdrawn and sad – most of the time you do actually – but today, you look exhausted as well.” Louis notes, surprising Harry. 

“How – you’ve never asked why or anything?” Harry says baffled. He’s not sure whether it’s a question or statement. 

Louis shrugs, “Couldn’t pinpoint what was wrong until now.” He picks up his and Harry’s now empty plates and puts them on the floor before shuffling in front of Harry on his knees, cupping his face. “You’re sad a lot.” 

“’m okay.” 

“I know that’s a lie.” 

“I’ve been worse.” Harry shoots back and watches the way Louis looks somewhat sadder. 

He’s silent for a few minutes as his eyes continuously roam Harry’s face before smiling slightly, “Whatever’s going on, with you, ‘m here. Promise.” 

“You can’t promise that.” Harry frowns, “That’s called false hope. We’ve only known each other a few months.” 

“Even if you throw knives at me or whatever, I’ll still be here, maybe a little angry, but I’ll still be here.” Louis promises. Harry’s frown deepens because Louis is being _dumb_ , but he doesn’t voice his thoughts. Instead he moves so that he’s cuddled into the older mans chest. 

“Thank you.” 

“Is there anything else going on?” Louis asks. Harry knows that this, here, right now, is the perfect opportunity to tell him about his past, his thoughts, his actions, his feelings but. He can’t. He opens his mouth to but the words get stuck in his throat. 

Harry shakes his head, “No. Nothing more. Nothing else.” As he lies to Louis all he can remember is something his sister said many years ago to him about his parents’ divorce, “Lying when you’ve got the perfect chance to be truthful can wreck something important, Harry.” 

Harry takes a deep breath and waits for the downfall of them. 

~ 

“It’s four AM. I don’t _want_ to be awake.” 

“Thought I was supposed to be the old one babe? C’mon, get up, we’re going out.” Louis chuckles down the phone. Harry can almost picture his fucking smirk. He groans. 

“Louis.” 

“Get. Out. Of. Bed.” 

“’m so tired. I just wanna sleep.” Harry moans as he rolls over in his lovely, wonderful warm bed and snuggles down further. 

“Harry, get out of bed. We’re gonna go for a walk and watch this goddamn sunset, then we’re going to go to your home and sleep until midday like the teenager I wish I still were. Okay?” 

Harry sighs, “I don’t have a say in this do I?” 

“No _p_ e. ‘m outside. Wear joggers and a hoodie or something. Pretty chilly out here.” 

“Maybe that’s because it’s fucking four AM.” Harry sighs before ending the call to make the point that he’s not very happy. He rolls – literally rolls onto his bedroom floor from his bed – out of bed before sleepily pottering around his bedroom trying to find suitable clothes (after he’s quickly text Louis _give me five .xxxx_ to clarify he’s not _that_ annoyed). 

Louis looks as sleepily as Harry feels but he still grins at the younger boy as Harry stumbles down the driveway. “I’m exhausted.” 

“You’re the biggest lightweight I know for a nineteen year old. When I was nineteen I was shagging my way through most Uni boys and not sleeping until 6am.” Louis laughs as he takes Harry’s hand to pull him down the street. 

“Shagging ain’t my area of expertise or like, experience.” Harry yawns, “I like me sleep too much and _you’re_ ruining it.” 

It’s quiet for a few moments before Louis laughs, “God, aren’t I the worst?” 

“Yes you are.” Harry grins sleepily, rubbing his eyes as he looks at Louis. Louis smiles at Harry like he’s the sun, moon and earth. Harry likes that smile. 

“C’mon, we’re going to this lake I found? Dunno if you’ve been there, but it’s pretty nice for this tiny village.” 

“Thought this whole place was pretty to you?” Harry smirks, feeling more awake with every step he takes with Louis’ hand in his. 

“Hush up you. It’s lovely, I swear, but just very small.” Louis shrugs, “Don’t really like never being outside with you if ‘m honest but y’know, only a few months yeah?” 

Harry’s head hurts slightly as he nods – four AM isn’t the time for the conversation they’ve been avoiding for so long. “Only a few.” 

As the sun comes up a while later, Harry and Louis stand from where they’ve been cuddled together under a crappy, thin blanket Louis had brought with him. “I, I wouldn’t change this for anything y’know? I feel all these… things, and you bring, like, clarity and just help a little y’know? And just like, I like this - this is nice.” Harry shrugs awkwardly. 

Louis smiles, pushing Harry’s hair behind his ear, “Me neither. ‘m glad I indirectly help, with what’s going on. ‘m glad I do that.” Louis smiles, “I wouldn’t change this either. My mum always told me that real, true love – the love she’s finally got, thank god – is something you fight for, no matter what the circumstances or difficulties are or, whatever. That that true love, the love everyone wants even if they say they don’t, _that_ love makes everything you go through worth it, yeah? Soulmates or somethin’ I guess. But that person, god, that person guides you and makes your life fucking _brighten_ even when you didn’t think it was dull. Doesn’t matter whether you’re going on an adventure or laying in silence, you’re content and happy – that’s love.” Louis takes a deep breath. Harry’s heart is thundering in his chest; he’s sure Louis can hear it. 

“That’s the love I want H. And, and, I think that that’s us.” Louis shrugs, almost embarrassed, as Harry listens to him pour his heart out in jumbled sentences. It’s endearing and slightly familiar to his own rambles, but he’s never seen Louis like this, with this much lack of control over what he’s saying. “I think we could be bloody amazing Harry Styles. You’re worth the slow honesty and secrecy. I think we could be the stuff they write poems about - the cliché poems about love, not the poems about death and crappy stuff – but yeah. That’s us I think.” 

“Are- are you saying you love me?” Harry whispers. 

“So much.” Louis replies instantly, “So, _so_ , much Harry. It scares me how much I love you already.” 

Harry’s mind is racing with doubts of _why, how, is he sure, oh my god,_ but more importantly – for once – his most overpowering thought is _me too_. “I-I, yeah. Me too Lou. Shit, god, me too. I do, I really do love you.” Harry laughs almost wildly, “I didn’t, didn’t realise until now but I- oh my god I’m in love with you.” Louis starts giggling, eyes crinkling at the edges, as he cups Harry’s face. 

It’s half six in the morning and two boys are standing, giggling into each other’s mouths with private confessions and more happiness than one knows what to do with. 

It’s half eleven in the morning when Harry wakes up and groans into Louis chest, muttering how he doesn’t love him anymore because he’s _still_ exhausted. Louis laughs, kisses his forehead, and tells him to either go back to sleep or do his much needed revision. Harry chooses the latter. They stay in bed for the majority of the day – Louis on his laptop as he corresponds with a primary school about a new job in September and Harry with his revision notes. Surprisingly it’s one of Harry’s favourite days ever, considering the revision and all. 

~ 

“Harry, you’ve got to go to revision sessions. We put these on to help you pass.” Harry’s lecturer complains. Louis quirks an eyebrow up at him from where he is sorting through some paper work. 

“I only missed one, it’s not the end of the world!” Harry sighs leaning back against the wall so he can sneakily marvel Louis who’s behind his lecturer. Louis gulps when he looks up to see how Harry has positioned himself. Harry smirks before tuning back into his lecturer’s rambling. 

“- if you miss one, that soon turns into three, then seven and then you’ve failed the whole year _again_.” 

“I’m doing perfectly well. I’m passing everything. I just needed one extra session off.” Harry groans, tipping his head back to stretch his neck before pushing off of the wall to find Louis intently staring at his neck. Huh. “I’m working hard for my results okay? I just needed one session off, it won’t happen again.” 

His lecturer sighs, disappointed, and Harry hates how familiar disappointed sighs are to him, “Fine. I want you at tomorrows.” She snaps before turning on her heels and leaving. 

“What a-“ 

“Harry. We, eh, need to, erm, discuss a tutoring issue now. Right, right now. Follow me p-please.” Louis says loudly before briskly walking down the corridor. Harry, confused and frustrated, follows him. 

“What?” Harry asks when they’re in the room, “Wha-“ Harry’s cut off by Louis pushing him up against the closed door. 

“You have no idea how fucking good you look today. _Jesus_ Harry.” Louis almost growls before kissing Harry roughly making him groan. “Sh, baby, quiet.” Louis murmurs as he cups Harry’s face to kiss him again, before moving his hands to Harry’s hair, tugging on it slightly making Harry’s breath catch. “ _God_ baby.” Louis groans as he moves his hands from his hair to Harry’s wrists, pinning them above his head making Harry moan lowly. Louis peppers kisses from Harry’s lips, over his cheeks before moving to Harry’s jawline, nibbling at the skin under his ear slightly before descending down his neck. “You’ve got no idea how pretty you are baby.” Louis sighs as he continues down to lick and kiss and nibble on Harry’s collarbone. 

“L-Lou.” Harry sighs helplessly. 

Louis pulls back with a wicked grin, “You like this don’t you? Being controlled a little?” 

“Y-yeah Lou. I do.” Harry says breathlessly, “Just, just kiss me again. _Please_.” 

“In a sec.” Louis grins. “Look at you, baby. All stretched out and beautiful for me. _God_ ‘m lucky.” 

Harry shuffles his wrists a bit with a whine, “Lou if you’re not gonna kiss me again then just-“ 

“Harry.” Louis says – voice emotionless and completely different to beforehand making Harry open his hands. “What- what are those?” He asks, eyes not leaving Harry’s wrists. 

Harry frowns, he’s still got his wrists pinned above his head but Louis’ grip is looser now. “What are what?” 

“Those.” Louis whispers letting Harry’s arms fall down when he tugs them a little. 

“I have no id- _oh_.” Harry gasps, seeing the few bruises which must have bloomed over night from the previous morning. Shit. He looks up at Louis who is staring at his face, shocked and worried. Harry’s first reaction is to lie, an attempt to stop his heart beating rapidly in his chest. “Lou, Lou, they’re nothing. Just fell on my- my, on some pens awkwardly. They’re nothing, I sw-“ 

“Don’t. Don’t Harry.” Louis whispers. “Don’t fucking lie to me like I’m some fucking child.” He snaps making Harry flinch slightly. “I-I know what pinches’ look like. I.” Louis takes a deep breath. Harry feels like he can’t breathe. “Are- are you doing this or is someone else?” Harry doesn’t reply, _can’t_ reply, for minutes on end until Louis cups his cheeks to make him look him dead in the eye, “Did you do that to yourself Harry?” 

“Lou, p-please don’t make me-“ 

“Did you do that to yourself?” Louis demands, a tear slipping down his cheek. Harry doesn’t know why Louis is crying, _this isn’t his burden_. Harry pushes Louis off of him and moves away, picking his bag up. He needs to leave, he needs to leave, he needs to leave. This isn’t Louis’ problem and he doesn’t want to make it his problem. “You are _not_ leaving Harry.” Louis grabs his arm to stop him opening the door but Harry snaps it away. 

“This, this isn’t what you need to know about. This isn’t your problem.” Harry spits before rushing out of the room, tears streaming down his face as he hurries through the empty college. His mind almost hurts, how it’s screaming at him how much of an idiot he is as he takes the long walk home, brushing tears off of his face as he goes. 

When he gets into his house he tells his mum he’s going straight to bed because he feels ill and to tell anyone who comes knocking he doesn’t want to see them. She kisses him on the cheek, asks again whether he’s been crying or not before letting him go to bed. When he finally falls into bed he feels awful for lying to his mother, blocking Louis out and putting his burdens on him but he cannot do it. He _cannot_ tell Louis about how selfish and hopeless he is. He guesses he’s already made clear how selfish he is after tonight. He falls asleep on a wet pillow and wishing he were someone else, someone less ruined. 

~ 

“Niall!” Louis screams when he enters Zayn’s apartment – the one he’s currently living in whilst working in Holmes Chapel. His eyes are sore and his mind is racing because _fuck_ , how did he not know? “Niall!” Louis screams again as he kicks the door shut and throws his stuff onto the kitchen counter. 

“Louis?!” Niall asks bewildered as he enters the kitchen and living area, Zayn stumbling behind him. “What is going on?! Are you alright?” 

“How long have you known?” Louis asks. 

“Lou? What’s happened?” 

“Zayn, don’t. Niall, how long have you known?” Louis demands again; he just wants a straight fucking answer, not silence, for once. 

“Known what?” 

“About Harry? How long have you known about Harry?” Louis’s voice breaks at the end making both of the boys’ faces in front of him soften. Louis wipes a stray tear away, “How long have you known that my, my boyfriend self-harms?” 

“ _Babe_.” 

“Niall, please. How long, have you known?” Louis begs, falling into the hug Zayn offers. 

Niall’s quiet for a while before whispering, “Nearly four years. ‘ve known for nearly four years. But he’s, he’s been doing it longer.” A sob escapes Louis’ mouth as Zayn holds him tighter. 

“Let’s get you sat down yeah?” Zayn says calmly but Louis pushes him away, studying him with critical eyes. 

“You’re not surprised. You’re- you’re not – you knew.” Louis gasps. “You fucking – you didn’t tell me?!” 

“Louis-“ 

“Niall! I get why _he_ hid it from me but you Zayn! You’ve- oh my _god_.” Louis gasps, now pacing around the living area as Zayn and Niall stand guiltily in the kitchen. “You’re my best fucking friend! You’re the one who, who I spoke to about getting serious with him but you didn’t, didn’t think- you could’ve fucking told me!” Louis yells, furiously wiping the tears away. 

“Louis I made him-“ Niall tries to cut in. 

“Don’t. Just, just let him get this out.” Zayn protests as Louis continues to yell. 

“He just ran, fucking ran and now, now I come home to finding out you know! Jesus fucking Christ!” Louis screams as he throws his blazer across the room in anger. “How could I – how the bloody hell did I not know?! I knew, I fucking knew he was sad all the time but I didn’t think - _I didn’t think_ he was that, that sad. I’m in love with him, _so_ fucking in love with him, but I’m the last fucking idiot to know about – about this! Of fucking course I am! Jesus bloody fucking Christ!” Louis screams as he walks to his bedroom, slamming the door shut. He crumples against it immediately, heavy sobs rattling through his body as his mind races. How did he not know? How could he not see it? How could he not see his boyfriend fall apart day by day, night after night? It all makes sense now though; Harry being unreachable sometimes, his reluctance to trust Louis, his reluctance to believe Louis would stay, why he looks like he’s been through a hurricane sometimes, why he’s so drawn out and why he always wears long sleeves. It all makes sense now. Louis cries harder, his breath unreachable. 

It’s not 30 seconds later when there’s a timid knock on the door, “Lou? Babe, please, let me in.” Louis moves away from the door - like Zayn knew he would, he thinks bitterly – and he’s immediately embraced by Zayn when the door opens. 

“How - how – how-“ Louis stutters against Zayn’s chest as he’s rocked gently in his arms. They stand together for what feels like an hour but must only be ten minutes before Louis pulls away, hair a wreck and eyes red. “How, did you find out?” He asks breathlessly, throat sore and dry from his sobs. 

Zayn sighs as he sits on Louis’ bed, pulling him with him, “The day you found out you worked at the same college. I went to Niall’s – we’d only been together about a month and half then – and Harry was just, drawn out and slept the afternoon. I asked Niall why it had hurt him so much and, and Ni said he was super sensitive. Then he told me why, and, fuck Lou, you have _no_ idea how brave your boy is.” 

“That’s the fucking thing, innit?” Louis laughs bitterly, “I have _no_ idea.” He feels like he’s in a cruel, twisted dream. 

“You can’t be mad about that Louis.” Niall says sternly from the doorway, making Louis look up in surprise. “He’s had a shit time and his… harming and depression is something he doesn’t want _anyone_ to know. He’s under no obligation to tell you. It’s a huge thing for him, that’s apart of him, and he doesn’t have to tell anyone. Least of all someone who he’s been dating for a few months.” 

“That’s- that’s _not_ what I meant. _Shit_. ‘m not, not angry that he never told me, Jesus Christ I’m not. I’m angry at myself, because how in hell did I not know? And I’m angry, _god_ I am, at whatever made him feel so fucking bad that he, he’s being doing this – did you say for _five fucking years?_ ” Niall nods, “Five years! Five fucking years! In that time I-I started and finished Uni and had my first heartbreak and this, this amazing and beautiful boy who means the goddamn world to me now was falling apart, repeatedly, and hurting himself because of the pain, to release the pain for a moment or two. How- oh my god.” Louis gasps, unstoppable tears falling down his face as he rants. “So don’t Niall, _don’t_ have a go at me for expecting him to have told me because I don’t. I don’t expect him to have told me yet- we’re something new yet serious but this, how he’s feeling is, so much bigger to him, me and you. I am angry at what caused him so much pain and led to this fucking downfall, not his secrecy.” 

“’m, ‘m sorry.” Niall stumbles over his words slightly. 

“You don’t have to be sorry Niall. I _get_ it but fuck, don’t accuse me of something. Just bloody _tell_ me what’s going on, please.” Louis cries. He’s angry and sad and wants to hold his boy. 

Niall sighs as he sits down on the floor, “I’m only going to tell you the basics. This isn’t, isn’t my story to tell. You’re going to have to talk to H, and that, that will be like pulling teeth out. He’s going to be stubborn and will deny it and his mind will be telling him how your compassion is a trick but you’re, you’re going to have to stay - don’t leave him Louis – and he will tell you, eventually. If he says leave, do, but only to the next room. Don’t leave him alone. That’s the most important thing.” Niall emphasises. 

“I, I can do that. God, I’m not leaving him.” 

“Good.” Niall nods before taking a deep breath and proceeding to tell Louis Harry’s past, in a simpler way than he told Zayn, but it’s enough for Louis who listens intently the whole way through. 

“So, he has bad days where he doesn’t move from bed – and if he does, it’s too please his mum – and then awful days where he can’t stop crying and will seclude himself?” 

Niall nods, “The awful days are the worst yet rarest. Y’know when you were trying to contact him the other week and I spoke to you, then you went over the next morning and met Anne? That was one of those days. But- but the other days? They happen frequently, every few weeks I guess, but they’re unpredictable. It’s – we can’t schedule or guess when they’ll be or how frequently they are even if we try, it’s an illness not a game y’know?” Louis nods, face drawn out; he looks and feels exhausted. “Most other days he just feels crap and sad and withdrawn-“ 

“He always looks a bit sad, even when he’s happy.” 

“Yeah, I know but that’s, that’s usual y’know? From what I’ve gathered that never lets up. That sadness never leaves him, just feels like a crushing or slight weight in his chest. Says he feels like he’s drowning a lot y’know?” 

“O-okay.” Louis nods again. He’s shocked; he can’t believe this has been going on and he never realised how sad Harry really was. He just thought he was quiet and shy but, fuck. 

“Lou?” Zayn asks, snapping Louis’ attention from his thoughts. 

“Hm?” 

“Ni just said he’s gonna go over to see Harry and that he’ll ring us in a few if you want?” Louis looks at Niall and nods with an appreciative smile (he hopes it conveys that). 

“P-please.” 

“Course.” Niall stands and turns away before stopping to look back, “And Lou?” 

“Yeah?” 

“If there were someone I wanted Harry to be with him through this, that’d be you. I think you could help him wonders.” 

Louis chokes on a small sob, “’m, I’m – I really love him Niall.” 

“I know babe.” Niall smiles before leaving. 

“You wanna take a shower?” Zayn asks from where he’s still wrapped around Louis’ back. Louis leans back into the warmth of his best friends body for a few more seconds before sighing with a nod. 

“He’s what?!” Zayn says bewildered when Louis shuffles into their kitchen half an hour later after a thorough shower and in comfortable joggers and hoodie. 

“What?” Louis mouths with a small frown. He feels exhausted and it’s only 6pm. 

“Harry’s told his mum Niall isn’t allowed to go into the house because he’s ill. He tried charming her but she’s just as stubborn as Harry ‘parently.” 

“Oh for Christ-!” Louis exclaims, “Tell Niall to ring him.” 

“Has, phone’s off.” Zayn shrugs before mumbling something back to Niall. 

Louis takes some calming breaths before sighing, “Get Niall to go home or come here or wherever he’s supposed to be staying and we’ll wait it out until midnight – if he hasn’t rung by then we’ll go to sleep but I’ll drive over first thing in the morning before he’s got his shift at work.” 

Zayn relays the message to Niall before nodding, “He starts work at seven tomorrow but Ni thinks it’s a good idea although he’s not sure how Harry will take it.” 

“He’ll probably hate my guts all day but I’ll stick around and do some work and prove to him I’m not leaving. Seems like he’s going to need a lot of reassurance of that.” 

“Niall says he loves you.” Zayn laughs. 

“Love you too.” Louis rolls his eyes before going to sit of the sofa with his tea to beginning the waiting game. 

Louis falls asleep at 2am with no contact from Harry and fear in his heart. 

~ 

“How much sleep did you get?” Zayn asks as Louis gathers his laptop, earphones, a few pieces of work and Harry’s battered copy of A Game of Thrones before grabbing a flask of tea from Zayn. 

“’bout four. Not too bad, all things considering. Where’s Ni?” 

“’m letting him sleep in, then I’ll run him too work.” Zayn shrugs with a sleepy smile. 

“Don’t fall back to sleep, I’ll be expecting your boy at 9 on the dot.” Louis grins. 

“Oh fuck off and be the best boyfriend you can be would ya?” 

“’m going, I’m going. Love you!” 

“Love you too Lou. Text me later how he is yeah?” 

“Course, bye!” Louis says before ambling out of the flat and to his car. As he drives over to Harry’s house he starts to feel even more nervous and jittery, his heart hammering in his chest because what if he’s not good enough or not what Harry wants? But when he sees his beautiful yet exhausted and sad – so so sad – boy walk out of his house, he knows he can be whatever Harry needs. 

~ 

Harry wakes before his alarm for the first time in months. He’s momentarily surprised until he remembers he fell asleep at about 5pm so waking 12 hours later shouldn’t be that surprising. Then he remembers what happened yesterday and he feels sick. He feels awful and sad and he doesn’t know what to do. 

Louis knows. 

Louis _knows_. 

“Oh god.” Harry groans, rubbing the ball of his hands into his eyes hoping for this to be a dream but - it’s not and he knows what’s coming now. The downfall he’s been waiting for for months is happening right now. He’s shouldn’t be so sad about what he’s been waiting for should he? But he is. He remembers the broken look on Louis’ face, the tear falling from his eye and it reminds him so much of his mum when she found out all those years ago. He sobs at the memories; he shouldn’t have allowed himself to get so close to Louis because now, _now_ it feels worse than last time when Louis nearly left. Now he knows there’s no savouring what he and Louis have because this - him - is too much for any relationship to handle. For any boy to handle. Louis deserves happiness, not someone else’s sadness. Harry won’t allow it. 

He can’t believe he’s allowed himself to be so selfish, to let himself lead Louis on and pretend he’s fine when he’s not. Now he’s sacrificed four months of Louis’ life and allowed him to think about the upcoming months with Harry, just to have _this_ bomb dropped on him. He can’t believe he’s been so selfish. He knows this is over and Louis is going to be so angry at him, at him leading him on. Harry lets out a sob again and again until he musters up the strength – and courage – to face the day and take a shower. When he stumbles down stairs at 6am his mum is already in the kitchen. 

“How are you feeling today darling?” She asks from where she’s sat drinking her tea. 

“Erm… _oh,_ my headache. Yeah it’s better. I’ll be fine at work.” Harry shrugs, the lie making him feel even worse. 

“Good baby, now eat some breakfast before you leave. Also, Niall knocked and was pretty annoyed when I said he couldn’t see you. He was very persistent. Said something about that lovely boy Louis wanting to talk to you and for you to ring one of them when you’re awake. You should do that, Niall was very worried Harry.” She smiles fondly at him – he misses when she used to smile more than she frowns at him - “You have lovely friends.” Harry nods numbly because all he can think is _this is it_. 

“Y-yeah maybe I will.” Harry shrugs – he won’t, his phone is still upstairs and turned off because he knew Niall would’ve started texting him if Louis had told Zayn how much of a mess his boyfriend is. 

“Harry, are you sure you’re okay to go in today? You look a bit ill still.” Harry laughs at that. 

“Mum, ‘m gonna go, I’m fine, I’ll see you tonight!” 

“Harry, remember we’re going to see mum today, we won’t be back until tomorrow.” 

“Oh- oh, yeah, sorry I forgot. Tell her I’ll see her soon and ring her Monday. Bye!” Harry waves before grabbing his bag and putting his boots on in the hall, wondering if he should grab his phone before deciding against it. An empty house on a night he knows he’s going to want some peace and quiet on - at least that’s a small positive to this situation he guesses. 

“Haz.” Someone calls softly making him look up and – well, shit. 

“Lou? W-what are you doing here?” Harry asks, heart thundering in his chest and eyes already welling up. He’s so fucking pathetic. 

Louis does the last thing Harry expects him to do – he smiles. “You wouldn’t let Niall see you and your phone was off. What was I supposed to do?” 

“You- you – no Lou, go home and get some sleep or something, enjoy your weekend and life, don’t- this is all I need okay? This is all I need to know that this is over. I don’t, don’t need to get in your car for you to drive me to work whilst telling me gently that I’m too messy and disgusting to date anymore. You said it yourself, you want someone serious. This –“ Harry motions between him and the car “- is all I need alright? Go home Louis. Thank you.” Harry whispers before he starts walking to work, never making eye contact with Louis in fear of seeing the anger he knows he must be feeling for not letting him have a go at Harry. He’s not sure if Louis would have a go at him actually – he seems too nice – but he knows Louis must feel angry and betrayed; he doesn’t need to hear it. 

Harry continues to walk, his mind a mess of thoughts and emotions over finally letting Louis go. It’s done, it’s over, Louis’ silence told him that, Harry’s words told him that; it’s finished. He comes to a stop in front of the bakery 10 minutes later and is fishing his keys out of his pocket when he hears, “Haz.” being called again. Harry looks up and lets out a bitter laugh as Louis ambles down the street tiredly with a soft smile. 

“Oh for goodness sakes – I just, I just did what you want Louis! I just told you to not bother trying to let me down or whatever, I gave you the out you’ve come here for! You’d think that you’d be relieved or something! You don’t have to break the poor, selfish, broken boy’s heart! Yipee!” Harry laughs wetly again as he unlocks the door. 

“Harry, that’s not why I’m here, I’m h-“ 

“Do me a fucking favour Louis and leave it yeah? We all know that I’m not capable for being in a relationship. _God_ , I led you on and deceived you for Christ sakes! ‘m not, ‘m not this great and perfect and happy person you think I am! This isn’t what, what you want or need okay? I’m better on my own and you’re better with someone else, okay? I don’t, don’t deserve love or whatever because I just make everyone unhappy alright? Go have a chat with my mum, you could probably compare notes about how miserable I make you both yeah? I gave you an out, now fucking take it Louis. This – us – is over alright? Just because you’ve seen me and thought ‘god he is broken’ doesn’t mean you can just decide to come into my bakery and breakup with me gently and properly instead of what I said in front of my home alright? We’re done. Your job here is done. Go have a fuckin’ party or something.” Harry finishes, not giving Louis a second to reply before he’s slamming the door closed. His hands are shaking as he takes a few deep breathes before moving from the doorway and into the bakery kitchen, ignoring the incessant knocking on the door. 

It’s only 7am so Harry knows he’s got two hours to bake before Niall will arrive and open up the bakery; Barbara isn’t in until midday today as she’s taking a well-deserved morning off. Harry plugs his iPod into the cheap set of speakers he brought with him this morning to drown out Louis at the front of the shop. Harry loves baking because he can get lost in it; he needs to concentrate on the measurements, make sure everything is going to plan and to not burn anything. It’s a welcome distraction usually and today is no different. Harry doesn’t realise how fast the time flows by until he hears a familiar Irish voice as the door opens. 

“You’ve been out here since 7?” 

“Yeah. Didn’t wanna leave him in the state he’s in.” Louis sighs and Harry gently bangs his head on a cupboard with a groan. He thought – and hoped – Louis had left. 

“C’mon, get in and I’ll get you a cuppa.” Niall says as the door closes behind them. 

As soon as Niall comes into view Harry demands, “Tell him to leave.” 

“No.” 

“Niall, tell him to go.” Harry protests. He knows Niall will listen to him eventually. 

“No.” Niall repeats as he fills the kettle up with water. 

“Niall, tell him to go. I said what he wanted to hear. I’m not some pity case where he’s gotta sick around and make sure I’m okay. Make him leave.” 

“No.” 

“Niall.” 

“No.” 

“Please.” 

“No.” 

“I don’t want him here!” Harry says loudly – he knows Louis can hear them. “Tell him to go for Christ sake. I told him it’s over and that’s what he came here to do so he doesn’t need to be here! I don’t want him here.” 

“Harry.” Niall sighs as he finishes making Louis’ tea then moving to cup Harry’s cheeks. “Did Louis say he wanted to break up?” 

Harry frowns, “I led him on and was so selfish. I know what he wants.” 

“But do you know that though?” 

“Yes.” 

“You shouldn’t assume things Harry!” Louis yells. 

“Fuck off!” 

“Harry, stop. You need to talk to Louis.” 

“I do not.” Harry protests, pushing away from Niall to check on the baking goods. 

“He’s staying here all day.” Niall tells him making Harry freeze slightly before shrugging. 

“Amazing.” 

“Until you finish.” 

“Wonderful.” 

“Then he’s driving you home.” 

“He wishes.” 

“Yeah I do actually!” Louis yells from the front of the bakery. 

“Lou would you shut the fuck up!” Niall laughs. 

“Sorry but it’s a bit hard when your boyfriend’s being an idiot.” 

“Ex-boyfriend.” Harry says and Louis doesn’t reply. “Look, he can stay or go I don’t care but I don’t understand why he’s staying because no one ever fucking does and I’ve already done what he wanted so he’s just being dumb.” 

“Harry-“ 

“No Ni!” Harry snaps. Niall sighs before leaving the kitchen with Louis’ tea. Harry doesn’t leave his sanctuary to serve until mid-afternoon (he managed to sneak out the back entrance for lunch without Niall, Barbara nor Louis knowing). 

Louis grins when he sees how he and Niall have swapped places before walking to the counter, “I would like a triple chocolate cookie and… chocolate brownie please. With hot chocolate.” Harry’s jaw tightens slightly but he just nods as he types the amounts into the cash register; his chest aches. 

“£5.20 please.” Harry says emotionlessly as he puts Louis’ order on a plate. 

“Haz, we’ve gotta talk.” Louis sighs as he hands over the money. Harry ignores him as he puts the cash into the register and pushes Louis’ food towards him. 

“Your drink will be with you in a minute.” Harry replies before turning his back to Louis. He hears Louis sigh and retreat as he closes his eyes and takes a few deep breaths, willing the threatening tears to stop. He isn’t what Louis wants nor needs; he needs to remember that. 

“Harry, please, sit for a second.” Louis pleads when Harry brings his coffee over, catching Harry’s wrist making him wince. “Baby, I’m so sorry-“ 

“Don’t.” Harry hisses. “I don’t know what you’re playing at but just stop it.” 

“Harry, I love you.” Louis says loudly as he stands. Harry stops walking. “I love you, I still- this doesn’t change how I feel about you sweetheart. I still- I really do love you.” 

Harry turns slowly, tears in his eyes and chest throbbing, to meet Louis’ eyes. “Louis, don’t, don’t pretend-“ Harry angrily rubs his eyes “- you don’t have to fucking pretend to-“ 

“I’m not!” Louis says exasperated, “I’m _not_. I do love you. This – what I found out – does not change that. You’re everything to me Harry. You bloody know that already.” 

“This – I – change everything. Don’t fucking pretend, give me some respect!” Harry growls, thankful that the bakery is empty. 

“I am not fucking pretending Harry!” Louis yells. 

“Don’t lie to me either!” Harry yells back, “I’m not, not naïve or whatever you think I am! I know that people, people like me don’t find someone to love them!” 

“But I do!” Louis screams, silencing Harry. “I fucking love you Harry Styles, with or without the bruises and, and your dark thoughts and your sensitivity and general presence.” Harry watches as Louis takes a deep breath before stalking towards him and cupping his face, “I love you when you’re telling me to break up with you or telling me to fuck off. I love you when you giggle in the early morning. I love you when you’re not replying to my messages and when you are. I love you when you’re worrying me and when you’re silent with me. I love you when you’re being secretive and when you’re letting me know things. I love you when you’re thinking awful things about me and telling them too me – for instance this morning. I love you when you’re going through pain. I love you Harry and just fucking accept that would you?” Louis breathes out, both of their chests heaving. 

“Lou, Louis, you don’t – I do too but you don’t-“ 

“You don’t have to tell me anything Harry but you need to know I know the basics – Niall told me – and I want you to know how proud I am of you. You’re – your mind isn’t what you deserve. You deserve everything pretty and nice and what makes you happy. I’m here for you to tell me as little or as much as you want darling.” Louis whispers, his thumb wiping away the silent tears that are falling down Harry’s cheeks. He’s never heard someone mean something they’ve said as much as right here, right now and Harry doesn’t understand why this beautiful man wants him. 

“I-I want to believe you but-” 

“It’s okay baby, it’s okay.” Louis sooths softly. “I know it’s going to take a very long time for you to think I’m not leaving you but I promise you, I _promise_ you, I’m not going to. I’m going to be here through it all, the bad nights and silent days. I’m here for you.” 

“Y-you can’t – you can’t promise that.” Harry sobs stubbornly. 

“I can promise you that actually. We met here six months ago and have been dating for four months and I already know that you compare to no one else in this world. You make me happy and match me and I’m thankful to have you darling.” Harry frowns more but doesn’t reply. “Harry, I’m not going to pretend letting me in and loving you will heal you because we both know it won’t but- but, I want to be here with you as you go through the pain. I don’t want you to be alone anymore baby.” Louis whispers and that’s what breaks Harry, that’s what makes him start sobbing loudly and breathlessly as he fists Louis’ shirt and falls into his chest. Harry’s sobs rattle through him, his chest heaving as Louis’ holds him. He feels awful for how fast he crumples into Louis recklessly and forcefully but he can’t do anything other than cry – his body won’t let him. 

“It’s okay baby, it’s okay, I’ve got you.” Louis repeats as Harry crumbles, gasping for breath as he sobs heavily into Louis’ chest, his fists balling up his shirt - pulling and pushing at it as he cries, his emotions making him want to leave and also stay. He doesn’t know what to do as he melts down in Louis’ arms but he knows the firm arms around his waist and the hand in his hair are a slight comfort. 

He briefly hears Louis says to Niall and Barbara, “’m gonna take him home. We’ll see you later.” After Barbara has asked whether he’ll be okay. Harry hugs them goodbye in a flurry, pressing a kiss to Barbara’s cheek in reassurance with an apology before leaving with Louis’ arm around his shoulders. “’m house is free.” Harry sniffs. 

“Where ever you wanna go baby but I can take you to the flat if you want to be with Niall and Zayn later?” Louis suggests, kissing Harry’s forehead. 

Harry nods, “Ye-yeah, okay.” He whispers, wiping a few tears away. 

“Let’s go home then.” Louis murmurs as he ushers Harry gently into his car, throwing their things onto the back seats. The drive to Louis and Zayn’s flat is mostly silent except for Harry’s sniffles as he cannot stop crying – he feels pathetic – and the sound of Louis kissing Harry’s hand every so often, attempting to keep his boyfriend calm. 

“I-I- Can I take a shower?” Harry asks timidly when they enter the flat. Everything feels… off and different now and Harry’s not fond of this new difference. 

Louis cradles Harry’s face in his hands, “You don’t have to ask me babe, you’ve had plenty of showers here before.” 

“But- I – thought…” 

“That me knowing would change what you can do around the flat?” Louis frowns when Harry shrugs, “Baby, you can do whatever you want around the flat. You don’t have to ask me anything. As I said earlier, this doesn’t change anything – except maybe me being a bit clingier.” Louis laughs shyly as he thumbs Harry’s non-stop tears away, “But honestly, it changes nothing okay?” Harry stares at Louis – beautiful, _beautiful_ Louis – for a while with a frown before nodding slowly. “Shower?” 

“Shower.” Harry whispers. After he’s had a long hot shower - his mind racing continuously with doubts and panic about Louis knowing – Harry finds some gauze, anti-septic cream, a pair of Louis’ joggers and one of Harry’s hoodies on Louis’ bed. He ignores the medical stuff as he dresses before padding down the hall into the living area where Louis is sat on the sofa watching TV. Harry flops down next to him and curls under his arm, into his chest. Louis kisses his forehead immediately bringing a small smile to Harry’s face. 

He’s terrified is the thing; terrified of what’s to come. He wants to – desperately wants to – believe Louis when he says nothing has changed and he’ll always be with him but – he’s heard that before. He knows people leave. He’s _used_ to people leaving. He feels selfish making Louis put up with his crap and wishes he were how happy he used to be – there wasn’t just one day where he decided to be this mess but god he wishes there were, just so he could try and undo how he ended up this wrecked. He doesn’t know whether he can let Louis into the mess that is his brain; doesn’t know if he can open up and tell him everything. How’s he supposed to tell him that he’s a selfish and awful person that honestly has no good future ahead of him? He has no idea how he can tell Louis that his parents are half the cause of why he’s like this because he knows how disgusting and selfish it is. He knows how ungrateful he is. He doesn’t know how he can let him into this mess. He doesn’t know if he can trust him. 

“I-I don’t know whether I can tell you everything now.” Harry whispers, “I just want to sleep.” 

“Sleep then. We’ve got plenty of time sweetheart. Stop panicking, ‘m not going anywhere.” Louis murmurs before placing another kiss on Harry’s forehead. Harry falls asleep with a heavy and tight chest but with the warmth of a beautiful boy holding him. 

~ 

“Lou?” Harry mumbles, shuffling to try to get comfortable because of the movement beneath him. Then he realises – “Why am I moving?” Harry demands. 

“’m just carrying you too bed, don’t worry.” Louis laughs quietly. 

“Oh. Okay.” Harry sighs as he hears a door open and softly close before he’s being laid down on a bed – Louis’ he assumes – and a duvet being placed over him. Harry doesn’t open his eyes as he makes grabby hands. “Come here – cuddle with me.” 

“I didn’t know if you would want me too. I was gonna sleep on the sof-” 

“Lou it’s your bed. Come fall asleep with me.” Harry frowns for a moment before he hears clothing being dropped onto the floor and then arms wrapping around his waist securely after Louis has slid into bed with him. 

“Go back to sleep love.” Louis whispers and Harry does willingly. 

~ 

“What did Niall tell you?” Harry asks mid-Sunday afternoon as Louis and he are curled up in bed watching old Game of Thrones episodes – Harry may or may not have got Louis hooked back before Christmas. Harry’s heart is beating faster than it should be at just asking the simple question but Louis doesn’t falter. 

“He told me that you’ve been, depressed since you were 14 and that it was very bad back then. When the doctors diagnosed you they offered you some help, then backed out a week later and that you’ve never gotten over it. You never got help and, and it’s been five years and you’re still bad. That you bruise your wrists and cut your ankles – that you used to cut your wrists as well but stopped that. He also told me about your bad days and extremely bad days, like the one a few weeks ago.” 

Harry closes his eyes and nods as Louis talks, making himself take calming breaths because the last time he ever discussed any of this in great detail was with Niall four years ago but he knows, he knows he needs to talk to Louis. Not just for Louis’ sake but for his as well, despite the almost crushing fear he feels just at the prospect. “Tha-that it?” 

“Yeah darling, nothing else. ‘m proud of you.” Louis whispers startling a bitter laugh from Harry. 

“For what?” He asks, pulling away from Louis’ chest to look him directly in the eye. “You’re proud of me - for what? For never getting help? Or for being a mess for five continuous years? For harming? For keeping secrets from everyone I love? Tell me Lou, what’s there to be proud of?” Harry demands; he knows lashing out is a defensive mechanism - Louis knows so much about him already but it’s also so little. He doesn’t know how to cope at all. 

Louis takes a deep breath. “I’m proud of you because you eventually opened up to Niall. I’m proud of you because it’s been so long and you’re still here – fighting. I’m proud of you because you’re the smartest and nicest person I know yet still, despite your own hurting, you do not want to hurt others.” 

Harry laughs again as he gets out of bed, “That’s- that’s just romanticised bullshit! This – “ Harry gestures to himself “- this is my life. This is how I feel. This isn’t some fucking dumb bullshit where I fall in love and magically get better! You can’t tell me you’re proud of me just because I’m hurting! It doesn’t work like that!” Harry yells before snatching his empty glass and walking out of the room, chest heaving as he walks. 

“Harry?” Niall asks from the sofa where he’s sat with Zayn, “What- what was the yelling about?” 

“Harry!” Louis yells, interrupting any chance of a reply Niall has as he storms into the living and kitchen area. “You can’t yell at me and then run out! I wasn’t trying to romanticise your pain in any bloody way! I think, no matter the circumstances, that there should always be something to be proud of and the fact you’re still fucking fighting through the bad days is something to be proud off!” 

“What? I should be fucking proud of leaving college early because I can’t cope? Or cancelling plans because I’m not feeling them? Or taking my sadness out on my parents because I’m an asshole? Or having days off work because I cannot make myself get out of bed?” Harry yells, “You’re telling me I should be fucking _proud_ of them days? Of the mess I am? Louis get a grip– that’s bullshit!” 

“ _That’s_ bullshit? The fact you should be proud of yourself fighting through? No what is bullshit is that you feel this, this, inadequate! What’s bullshit is that you should see how strong you are. What’s bullshit is that this has happened to you! I just want to know what happened and how to help – if I can!” Louis yells back; both their minds racing as Niall and Zayn just watch the mess happen in front of them. 

“Jesus Christ Louis!” Harry groans, “You knowing how much of a mess I really am isn’t going to fix or help in any way possible so just – fuck, let’s drop it yeah?” 

“You’re not, god H, you’re not a mess.” Louis says with a gentle sigh. 

Harry laughs again because what is this kid on? “Are you- I’m not a mess? What are you on for crying out loud?!” Harry asks as his volume gets louder as he talks, tears rolling down his cheeks. “Say I pushed that bowl of fruit over – that would be a mess. I am essentially that fucking mess. I’m, I’m this dumb kid who can’t even pass his fucking exams because he’s too fucking sad over not getting help and is too fucking sad over making everyone around him miserable! Look at yourself! Look at Zayn and Niall – you’re all sad. You’re all the perfect fucking examples!” Harry exclaims as he slams his fist down on the kitchen counter. “I’m not a fucking mess you say? Wake up and smell the fucking roses because I am a mess! I can’t think straight, cannot breathe properly, cannot go a day without, without being normal! If I can fucking admit it, you lot can too!” Harry sobs angrily. “I-I can’t fucking _do_ this anymore; this pretence where people think taking about my problems will fucking heel them because maybe- maybe it will but I’m not, not in the position to fucking tell them! I’m too fucking weak and pathetic to talk about them so instead I’m going to stand here and make everyone who’s ever mattered to me hurt because that’s all I fucking do!” Harry yells as he cries, his words becoming unfiltered as anger and pain takes over. “I can’t fucking.” Harry gasps as he sobs pathetically. 

It’s silent for minutes on end as Harry tries to control his crying, not looking at any of the others boys; he’s not sure what he said but he knows he was brutally honest about his situation, finally. He thought by now, considering the amount of crying he’s done in the past 24 hours, he would’ve run out of tears but judging by his inability to stop crying he guesses not. “Jesus Christ.” He laughs bitterly as he wipes the tears away. 

“Haz.” Louis breathes out, Harry’s words seeming to break him out of the silent state he was in. 

“Don’t.” Harry snaps as Louis advances towards him. “Don’t.” He repeats before moving past Louis and the other two boys to go back to the bedroom – Louis’ bedroom. Well, fuck. He hears, unsurprisingly, Louis following him. 

“We- I know I said I wouldn’t make you tell me anything you didn’t want to but- but, after that I think we need to talk – about that at least anyway.” Louis says gently after a few minutes of silence. Harry wants to kiss him and strangle him because of his loving tone. 

“What do you want to talk about?” Harry asks, “How repulsive I am? Or how much I hurt people? Or maybe how much I hurt myself? Or even better, how useless I am? Four topics to get you started there, pick one.” Harry knows he’s being horrible but after all, isn’t that what he is? 

“Harry.” Louis sighs, “I love you and-“ 

“Don’t!” Harry yells as he spins on his heel to look at Louis. “Don’t think you can tell me you love me just to make me open up to you or be nicer or whatever!” 

“That wasn’t what I was doing!” Louis protests with an annoyed frown, “But you fucking interrupted me Harry! Stop being so hostile for a second, please?!” 

“Stop being so fucking hostile?! Why should I? For Christ sake Louis we both _know_ the outcome off this! You’ve said you won’t leave but this, this proves how impossible that is! Everyone fucking leaves Louis and you will too! Why beat around the bush? Let’s just get on with it yeah?” Harry spits. 

Louis stands from where he’s been sat on his bed and storms towards Harry, cupping his face so he can look him directly in the eye. “You can yell at me for five fucking months, everyday, if you have to but I am not, I am _not_ leaving you. You’re going to have to accept that.” 

“I can’t-“ 

“I know you think everyone leaves you but I’m here to break those fucking thoughts. All of us are, so stop throwing that at me. Stop trying to make me leave because that’s what you’re doing and it isn’t going to work!” Louis says angrily. 

Harry pushes out of the embrace, “Louis this isn’t good for you! This bullshit isn’t what you need! You’re twenty-three, all this dumb teenage angst should be done for you! You don’t know what you’re getting into!” Harry states as he turns his back on Louis but Louis catches his elbow. 

“Then fucking tell me Harry. Tell me what I am getting myself into.” Louis pleads for the first time. “Tell me what you think you’re really like and then let me make an informed decision about whether or not I should stay okay?” 

“I-“ Harry chokes because he’s never been given an ultimatum like this before; an ultimatum he so desperately wants yet fears at the same time. 

“Okay H?” 

“O-Okay. Yeah.” Harry sighs as Louis moves away to sit on his bed. Harry paces around the room briefly, not sure where to start from, before he sits on the floor, leaning against the closed door with his legs stretched out and Louis straight in front of him. He’s silent for a while, maybe 10 minutes he thinks, until he takes a shaky breath. “So, my dad left when I was like three, right? And I never thought it affected me badly but it’s kinda what set me off I guess. Honestly? I’m not sure what happened but all I know is I can’t remember when I felt truly 100% happy because there’s always a niggle in my mind or in my chest and I feel shit.” Harry shrugs and takes another deep breath. “So I deteriorated right? Started concentrating on why my dad left, why my friends didn’t care, why was I so useless, _why was I here_ and it… spun out of control. I’d look in the mirror and see this, this repulsive disgusting human. 

“I withdrew and got lost in my head, started cutting my wrists and I told Gemma immediately the first time meaning mum found out. They were scratches more than anything and we talked and it was fine, but then… I didn’t stop like she thought. I moved onto my thighs, hated myself more, and then started on my wrists again but this, this time with a blade.” Harry sobs, wiping tears away. “ _God_ it was such a selfish thing to do. You should’ve seen mums face, she was so heartbroken. I can remember her face falling when she saw the bloody cuts. We, we were just about to go out so we had a brief talk but I knew when we were with her friends they were all discussing my harming and, and it was so _shit_ because I could feel them judging me and I wanted to hide and scream and do it again. God, I wanted to do it more. It’s like, like an addiction y’know? The pain takes away the pain you’re feeling everywhere else for a few seconds and you want more and more.” 

“H-“ 

“Let me talk yeah? Because like, the, the thing was right? The night before mum found out had, had been a tough one and I-I- god, she doesn’t know this, only Niall and Liam know this but I- fuck-“ 

“Haz, I swear, you don’t have to tell, I only meant you have to tell me about the past few mo-“ 

“I tried to kill myself.” Harry sobs stalling Louis’ stutters. “I-I tried, I tried to- so hard. I w-wanted out so badly and I-I couldn’t even. Jesus fucking Christ it wasn’t even deep, I have _no_ scar but, but it was what I wanted. It didn’t, didn’t stop bleeding, right on my vein and I, fuck. I tr-tried to kill myself Lou.” Harry cries, bringing his knees into his chest so he can bury his head in his knees. This is only the second time he’s ever spoken it aloud before and it hurts just as much. 

“ _Baby_.” Louis whimpers as he pulls Harry into his chest. Harry doesn’t even move away from the unexpected contact, just allows himself to be controlled as he continues to cry. “God baby.” Louis cries – his lips against Harry’s forehead as he talks. 

“I-I did that. I was so bad, so bad, and my brain was- was suffocating me Lou. I wanted out so badly. I fell asleep and then, the next day mu- mum found out about everything. It was like, like I was being ripped open in two as her friends judged me and the doctors diagnosed me and then re-refused me help be-because I lied. I lied to them and said I wanted to live because I couldn’t face my mum if I told the truth. It would’ve killed her. I c-couldn’t do that too her Lou.” Harry sniffs – he just wants this over with, wants Louis to know it all now that he’s started telling. 

“So, so I pretended to get better for a while. Th-then I relapsed and my thighs were just cut all over – you wouldn’t know it now – but mum, mum made me show her to check and she didn’t like what she found and _god_ that was almost worse than last time. My whole family found out then a-and someone said to me that, that I couldn’t do it again b-because it would ruin the whole family.” Harry grits pulling away to look Louis in the eye, his eyes red as he cries as well, “I felt so fucking selfish because I-I had nearly torn my family apart apparently. 

“So I made an effort to get better – did more reading and photography to get my mind away from my dark thoughts - b-but it was never enough. I couldn’t d-do it on my own and then Niall and Liam found out when I refused to leave my room. They were so fucking sad but they were supportive as hell. I-I couldn’t do this without them honestly. 

“Long story short – I never fucking improved, I just got better at hiding it. I-I can act well apparently?” Harry laughs self-deprecatingly, “No one else knows and like, no one sticks around to be bothered to find out. Last- last year a friend of ours got the help they needed and-and I was so fucking jealous of the strength they had that I just went so far downhill – oh my god, how disgusting is that? I got worse because they got better? I’m a fucking psycho or something. I-I was happy for them – of course I was, god they deserve happiness – but I wished, wished I could get that help – the hell I need so badly. ‘m too fucking dumb and pathetic and _weak_ to get the help I need because why do I deserve it? Like, I’ve hurt everyone already, I should fucking-“ 

“No.” Louis says sternly. “If you’re going to say you should suffer then don’t because that’s not fucking correct Harry.” 

“I can’t- I make everyone miserable Louis! Look at you! You’re crying! Mum cried, Niall and Liam cried, _you’re crying_ because I can’t fucking cope with dumb things. The homophobic slurs I got thrown at me I couldn’t cope with so that was a few new bruises or, or, the fact my family left I couldn’t cope with so that’s a cut to my ankle. ‘m a mess because I can’t cope and it makes everyone else miserable. 

“Few months ago mum told me that she thought that I used to harm for attention. I didn’t get out of bed the next day because that- that hurt so much Louis. She-she didn’t believe me when I said I couldn’t fucking breathe. _I can’t breathe_. It f-feels like I’m drowning. My chest hurts, it honestly _aches_ all the time. Mum and I constantly fight – god we’re always fighting – and, and, I make her so unhappy because I’m this major fuck up.” Harry cries, wiping tears away angrily as more pour. “Pathetic. That’s what I am. I can’t- can’t be anywhere near intimate with anyone; commitment scares the hell out of me; I’m nineteen years old and still cut my ankles and bruise my wrists; I failed my a-levels because I was too, too fucked to study. God, I’m a fucking walking advert for teenage angst. 

“That-that’s it I guess. ‘m selfish and disgusting and my mum makes me feel inadequate as hell because I’m so awful towards her and I’m a fucking hypocrite and pathetic and wait for people to leave me because I’m easily left and god- I’m just a self-absorbed little wanker aren’t I? I – I hate myself. I struggle through days and barely socialise and can’t deal with parties or alcohol because – oh! Yes, I can’t drink because if I drink I get low and my brain gets even worse. Isn’t that fucking hilarious?” Harry laughs as he cries. Louis continues watching him with a blank face except from the tears being shed. “I-I can’t. I’m too much to handle and you b-better run whilst you can Louis. God, I would run if I could.” Harry chokes out between wet sobs. 

“I’m - _Harry_.” Louis whispers. 

“There’s – there’s no cause to this. I get sad because I think things but there are not triggers just, just – I get sad.” 

“I’m here, I’m here baby.” Louis repeats, attempting to comfort Harry. 

“Lou.” Harry whimpers as he curls up into Louis’ chest, giving into the comfort of strong arms. Harry hates admitting how he feels, hate talking about his past and remembering all the hurt he causes. Harry sits huddled in Louis’ lap whilst Louis whispers in his ear _I love you_ ’s and _favourite boy_ and _I’m not leaving_ repeatedly until he’s unwillingly lulled off to sleep. 

~ 

“Louis?” Jay’s bright voice rings through Louis’ iPhone much to his relief. 

“ _Mum_.” Louis gasps breathlessly – dramatically he thinks – at her automatically comforting voice. He can’t imagine how Harry must feel not feeling like this towards his mother. He understands how those feelings can be tearing him apart. “God, mum, I’m so glad you picked up.” 

“Lou? You okay?” She asks, worry in her voice evident immediately. 

“It’s-it’s Harry.” He whispers numbly as he recalls the past 24 hours. He’s in shock and awe and many emotions he cannot explain. 

“What’s wrong with him? I can – I can come down if you need me?” His mother says immediately despite Louis knowing fully well that she cannot but he appreciates the gesture, and the worry about a boy she’s never met before. 

“He – Mum oh my god.” Louis gasps, tugging on his hair. He doesn’t know where to start, how to explain, doesn’t know what to do. 

“Louis Tomlinson, tell me what is wrong right now.” His mum demands in a tone all too familiar to him from his teenage years. 

“He – he’s sad. Very sad. Not just now but, like, for the past five years? He- mum, he harms and hates himself so much and I don’t know what to do.” Louis whimpers, wiping a stray tear away. 

“Oh my god.” Jay gasps softly. 

“He- he kept repeating how selfish he was and how he’s easy to be left and how he expects me to leave but, but mum I can’t leave him. I could never I don’t think and I’ve only known him for over half a year. He can’t see I’m never going to leave.” Louis gasps, “What do I do?” 

“Tell me everything first?” Jay suggests, so Louis does briefly. He doesn’t want Harry to feel uncomfortable with his mum knowing but he also needs her advice, the advice he’s taken for so many years. “You go back into your room and hold that boy close, remind him repeatedly that you love him and want him and cannot phantom ever leaving him. You tell him that you’re always going to be with him whether he gets better or worse or remains the same - although you’d much rather he got happier – but do not force him into anything like therapy. He needs support for you right now. You need to take small, small steps with him Lou okay? This is going to be a lot of work, I’m not going to lie but, if you love him-” 

“I know it’s complicated and he’s only 19 but I love him so much mum. He’s wonderful and sweet and caring and god, mum you’d never want him to leave. You’re gonna love him.” 

“If you need a weekend away, you can always bring him to meet the family if he’s up for it? Have a break ‘nd all that.” 

“I feel foolish but I love him so much mum.” 

“I know darling.” 

~ 

When Harry wakes the first thing he notices is how sore his face is – his eyelids ache and cheeks hurt slightly – as he’s wrapped up in someone’s arm. His eyelids crack open to be greeted by the slight of a sleepy Louis watching him. 

“Were you watching me sleep, you creep?” He smirks slightly. 

“First of all I resent you for calling me a creepy.” Louis laughs before bending forward to kiss Harry’s forehead. “You’ve only been out two hours.” 

“Feels longer.” 

“Good, you need more sleep.” 

“Yeah, maybe.” Harry whispers with a tiny smile; he doesn’t need a lecture over his sleeping pattern when he’s only been awake five minutes. “You’re still here.” 

Louis frowns slightly, “Of course I am. You gave me a choice and here we are – choice made.” He says easily which unnerves Harry. 

“How- how can you be so sure? I-I’m not, no well I _am_ questioning you, because I, I told you how I feel and how I am a few hours ago and then promptly passed out but-but you’re still here. You decided so easily.” Harry frowns as well but diverts his eyes from Louis, afraid of the facial expression he’s pulling. He said it so easily that his decision was made – Harry doesn’t understand. 

“Harry.” Louis sighs as he rolls over so that he’s hovering over Harry on his elbows, “The moment I gave you that ultimatum I already knew my answer; there was no way I was - _am_ \- walking out on you. You could’ve told me you’d robbed a place and I wouldn’t have left. You’re- you’re so much to me baby.” Louis whispers, his fingertips playing with Harry’s hair, “So much.” 

“Love you.” Harry murmurs deciding against arguing back in his sleepy condition; after all he loves Louis with all his heart and admires Louis’ commitment. 

“Trust me.” 

“I’m- I’m trying. Well, I’m going to start anyway. I-I do trust you with anything and everything, with my _life_ , except. I just- I always said I’d never get close to anyone so no one else could hurt me and I’m scared you will. So scared you will, b-because you mean so much to me Lou. ‘m scared.” Harry whispers, deciding honestly is what Louis deserves. 

“That’s – I’m scared too, so scared babe because you mean an awful lot to me, but I trust you and I know you would never hurt me intentionally so you should know I wou-“ 

“I don’t think you’d intentionally hurt me!” Harry interrupts, “I’m just scared that we’ll lose spark or commitment or whatever – drift apart - and I’ll end up hurt again. I know we’d both be hurting but I-I- not getting close with anyone seemed a sensible decision.” 

“Do- do you regret, being with me?” Louis asks sadly. 

“No! God no Lou. You- you mean the world to me. Everything to me.” Harry protests immediately, happily watching the relief wash over Louis’ face. “All I am is, is scared and slightly apprehensive with what’s to come. I know this isn’t going to be easy or anything but I’m, I’m terrified we’ll crumble. You’re something special to me Lou. I feel like we belong together b-but I’ve never been in love before so.” 

“Me too.” Louis whispers. “I was in love – I think – once before with a boy but it didn’t feel this right. Didn’t feel this unbreakable and wonderful. Even in our dark times, like earlier, or when we won’t talk for days or when we argue we still feel… special. I-I don’t know what it is but I feel like this is some soulmate shit.” Louis giggles, “That sounded so fuckin’ dumb but.” 

“Not dumb. I like it.” Harry smiles as he leans into Louis’ space to kiss him sleepily, morning breath being ignored for a few seconds because _soulmates_. 

“I want to help you Harry.” Louis says when they pull apart. “You’re – I don’t mean ship you back to a doctor or something but I want to be with you when you’re low, when you’re high, when you’re _high_ , when you’re scared you’re falling apart, when you’re scared I’m leaving, when you’re engulfed in self-hate – I want to be there for it all. I want to hug you when you need it, be yelled at when you want to yell, hold you when you want to cry. I’m- I’m honestly here for it all darling.” 

“I’m sorry.” 

Louis frowns, “Why are you sorry?” 

Harry shrugs, “Because everything’s suddenly more complicated and it’s, feels dumb I guess.” 

“You don’t have to apologise you idiot. I knew within a few weeks there was something more, something I didn’t know going on, and I stuck around didn’t I? When you know, you know I guess.” Louis smiles. “Stop worrying; I love you and know it won’t be easy-” 

“It’s gonna be like a having a baby.” Harry giggles involuntarily at his description, “I will barely sleep; I’ll skip things I need to attend; it’ll be at any time of the day; it’ll be over stupid things like a few things my mum says or over nothing; it’ll be pathetic and horrible and you’ll be exhausted.” 

“I was exhausted all four years of my degree, only got 7 hours of sleep at the most – which was rare – per night.” 

Harry sighs exasperatedly; he’s too stubborn to see the bigger picture in Harry’s mind. “Lou-“ 

“We’ll figure it out. I swear. Now,” Louis smiles, dropping a kiss onto Harry’s forehead before pulling back, “It’s only 6ish – do you want to go and see Niall and ring your mum, then get some dinner?” 

“I wanna see Ni.” Harry says with a soft smile despite the nervous twisting in his stomach as he remembers their last encounter a few hours ago. 

“Let’s go then baby.” Louis grins as he rolls off Harry so they can pull on joggers and hoodies. 

“Erm, hey.” Harry mumbles awkwardly when he and Louis walk into the kitchen-lounge area making Niall look up from where he’s making a sandwich. He just raises an eyebrow at his best friend making Harry sigh and detach from Louis to move towards him. “I-I just wanted to apologise for, like, screaming at you. I-I shouldn’t have.” 

“You also shouldn’t think you’re insignificant because you make us cry because that actually means the complete fucking opposite.” Niall snaps before rounding around the counter to hug Harry. “You’re an idiot and do my nut in sometimes but I’m glad you didn’t tear Louis to pieces.” 

“I told him. Calmly.” 

“We guessed when the yelling stopped for a few hours.” Niall smirks when they pull apart, “And?” 

Harry looks over to where Louis and Zayn are talking on the sofa with small smiles on their faces and Louis making exaggerated hand gestures before he looks back at Niall. “He’s not leaving ‘pparently. He’s very stubborn about staying.” 

“Thank god, he can match your bloody stubbornness then.” Niall smirks as Harry rolls his eyes. “No but seriously, good. I didn’t doubt it but like, it’s nice to know that he’s gonna be here as well.” 

“I love you loads Ni.” 

“Don’t get sentimental with me H. I’ll disown you.” 

“You can’t-“ 

“I will!” Niall says sternly making Harry throw his hands up in surrender. 

“Harry, you feeling better now?” Zayn calls making Harry turn to look over at the boys. 

Harry shrugs, “Yeah I am a bit now thanks. Sorry about… that.” 

“It’s fine mate, I’ve had to put up with Louis’ dramatics for a long time so that was nothing.” 

“Hey!” Louis protests with a whine, swatting Zayn around the head as he stands to walk over to Harry. “You okay?” He asks as he loops his arms around Harry’s waist, nuzzling their noses together making Harry giggle. 

“Yeah, think so.” 

“Good. Call your mum, then we’ll eat dinner.” 

“You’re the best.” Harry says; they both know he’s not just talking about the proposed dinner. When Louis kisses Harry softly Harry knows he is who he wants by his side through the rest of this and beyond. 

~ 

“You’re selfish Harry! Grow up.” Anne hisses as Harry moves around the kitchen in a rush. 

“Sorry! I didn’t –“ 

“You never say anything anymore! You’re always quiet and never talk to us – get out of this bloody mood and grow up! I’m _sick_ of it!” She yells. Harry closes his eyes briefly to stop any threatening tears from escaping. He feels pathetic and small and just wants to leave. 

“I’ve gotta go. ‘m – “ Harry goes to kiss his mums cheek but she moves away. The hurt he feels is almost crippling. “For god- whatever, I’ve got to leave.” He mumbles before rushing out of the room, ignoring any more words his mum hurls at him as he leaves the house. He wants to tell her how he’s not meaning to take it out on them; how he feels like he’s falling apart and drowning continuously but he knows it will not make a difference because he is being selfish. 

“Harry?” Niall calls from where he’s parked, jolting Harry out for his thoughts. “Bad morning?” 

“It can only get better right?” Harry laughs. Positive thinking Louis had said. He can give it a go he guesses. 

He really cannot give this positive thinking lark a go. Ed’s giving him funny looks because he hasn’t said a word since he arrived, only offered a wave as greeting, and has been huddled up in his seat as he draws ignoring his teacher. He has one more class – just an hour – after this media class and he wants to make it, wants to make everyone happy that he’s not left early but he can’t. He can’t be surrounded by people who will try and talk to him, who will expect things from him. His mind is swimming with memories of this morning, of the weekend just passed a few days ago, of previous fights with his mum. He feels awful when he jumps up and rushes out of the classroom with a weak ‘sorry’ to Ed when his lecturer ends class but he can’t be here. He needs some time alone. 

He decides to get the train home, so that he’s home quicker as Niall’s not in college anymore as he left early to go on a trip somewhere with Zayn for the rest of the day, yet immediately regrets it when he sees who’s also at the train station. He hears the snickers before any words and he closes his eyes tightly whilst taking a few deep breathes as the train arrives. He sits down the opposite end of the train carriage to the other boys who used to attend his secondary school but he hears his name mentioned, homophobic slurs tossed around with it and other abuse. He rests his head back and takes another few deep breathes, wills himself to not do something like cry. He hasn’t ridden the train in a few months meaning that this hasn’t happened in a while because of that – he’s never told Niall why he was so ecstatic that he passed his driving test. 

When he finally gets off the train, flipping the other boys the bird as he goes, he stalks home quickly leaving his phone and bag downstairs as he flops down on top of his bed. He doesn’t cry, although he’s felt like it all day, doesn’t fall asleep, doesn’t text Niall or Louis like he’s promised to when he’s having a bad day; instead he lays starfished out on his bed as his mind drowns in memories and negative thoughts, feeling exhausted and ridiculous. 

“Babe? You home?” Someone calls jolting Harry from his thoughts – “Harry?” 

“Louis?” Harry calls back, surprised and nervous, looking around his room to notice it’s almost dark. Fuck, how long has he been wrapped up in his head? He hears Louis jog up the stairs as he rolls onto his side to watch Louis enter the room; when he does he looks stunning, taking Harry’s breath away in his black skinny jeans and black button up, his hair feathery. He doesn’t say anything as he kicks his shoes off before curling up behind Harry, pulling him into his chest, until he’s kissed the back of Harry’s shoulder a few times. 

“Thought we said you’d call me next time.” 

“Just needed to be alone.” 

“Harry-“ 

“Don’t.” Harry hisses, not in the mood for the argument he predicted. 

“I know you want to be alone but at least tell me if you’re feeling low.” Louis sighs. 

“Sorry.” Harry murmurs after a few silent minutes. 

“It’ll take time you telling me when you’re low, I know. We’ll get there.” Louis whispers, kissing Harry’s shoulder a few more times. “I used Niall’s key he left at ours; hope that’s okay but I was worried. It had been hours since anyone had heard from you.” 

Harry remains silent and still for few moments before he sighs and turns in Louis’ arms, resting his head against his chest. “Thank you for coming.” 

“You may not trust that I’ll be bothered by you being low but I’m going to prove it to you that I am here for you when you’re low.” 

“So-“ 

“Don’t. Let’s just sleep yeah?” Louis suggests, his tone soft but Harry can hear the slight hurt in it. He despises himself for causing that pain. 

“Thank you.” Harry repeats, needing to convey how important Louis is to him. Louis holds him tighter and he eventually falls off to sleep. 

~ 

A few days later – the last Sunday of April – Harry and Louis spend the day curled up in Louis’ bed with an album Harry has chosen playing in the background, instead of Harry studying after the argument they had the night before caused by stress. “I get low a lot for no reason other than my thoughts are dark.” 

“That’s okay.” Louis whispers back, kissing Harry’s forehead. He has been revealing little things like this for the past hour, choking on words and many deep breaths needing to be taken but he’s struggling through it – Louis’ grip and kisses never stopping. 

“I struggle to hug people because the closeness feels like an attack.” 

“My chest aches a lot when I have bad thoughts.” 

“I feel numb most of the time.” 

“I told my parents I regretted harming and being like this but I can’t regret something I never had a choice over.” 

“I can remember that night perfectly.” 

“Believe it or not I’ve been much worse than this mess.” 

“You’re not a mess.” Louis says fiercely, “You’re hurt and sad and deserve to be happy and loved.” The lapse back into silence, The Neighbourhood’s soft songs surrounding them until Harry breaks the peacefulness. 

“Louis.” 

“Hm.” 

“Why have you never tried to sleep with me?” Harry coughs awkward, “Like, sex.” 

One of Louis’ eyes pop open so he can look down at the boy resting on his chest, “What?” 

“Why have you never tried to have sex with me? I mean, we’ve been dating since December and you haven’t… tried. I guessed you would’ve by now y’know?” 

“Would you have wanted me to?” Louis asks. Harry shakes his head slowly. “That’s why, because when I was in the bakery a few times I knew you weren’t comfortable with too much physical contact – especially after that time when your mate Nick attempted to hug you and you recoiled – I didn’t want to come on too strong. When you didn’t run from our first kiss I was ecstatic but sex is a whole different ballgame in intimacy y’know? Whenever we’d like, snog at the beginning you’d always kind of freeze up if I moved my hands under your shirt or got too close so.” 

“It’s been nearly five months though.” Harry frowns. 

“I know but I always thought you’d make the move when you wanted it.” Louis smiles, running his hands through Harry’s hair gently, “Why are you asking?” 

“Because that’s another secret I guess. Well, two. Physical contact freaks me out unless I know you well and, and I’ve never slept with anyone in that way. Not so much as a messy handjob. I’m not scared of sex, I’m scared of it going wrong or not enjoying it or being- being ridiculed or something dumb. I don’t know. It’s dumb.” Harry laughs making Louis frown. 

“It’s not dumb you idiot. Losing your virginity is different for everyone; it’s perfectly okay to want to wait.” 

“It’s not the virginity part – that means nothing to me – I’m just scared of being hurt, being crap, being weird or different or not enjoying it or too inexperienced. I was afraid of kissing someone until I met you. They’re irrational I guess but I feel them all so, I’m scared.” 

“Would – do you think you’d be ready any time soon?” 

Harry panics slightly, “Well, well, ye- yeah I guess, yes, soon, fo-for you, yeah-“ 

“Harry. Not for me.” Louis sighs, “Would _you_ be ready? Do you feel that right now you would be willing for me to prep you and fuck you?” 

Harry barks out a laugh at Louis’ question but slowly shakes his head before trying to curl himself smaller against Louis’ chest. “’m – no. I don’t think I could go through with it.” 

“That’s settled then. No sex for a while.” Louis says smiling down at Harry, who’s frowning. 

“I’m not, not completely putting it off the table, you know that right? I still wank and have ideas of kinky shit I’d like and that I would like to sleep with you at some point just not- not yet.” 

Louis nods with a raised eyebrow, “I know babe. Although people make it out to be, not having sex by the time you’re 19 isn’t the end of the world y’know? It’s okay. We need to build trust and work on more important things – _you_ \- and if you decide that you want sex in a few months, then that’s okay, and if it’s three years from now and we still haven’t had sex that’s okay too.” 

“Lou-“ 

“Harold, hush. ‘m here because I love you not because all I want to do it bend you over and fuck you.” Louis rolls his eyes but doesn’t miss the way Harry’s breath catches slightly. 

“Yo-you want that?” 

“It was the first sex thing that popped into my head, I dunno what I want. Why, is that what you’re into? I remember the word ‘kinks’ being mentioned earlier?” Louis grins watching Harry’s cheeks flush as he groans into Louis’ chest before looking back up at him. 

“Maybe.” 

“What else? 

“Lou-“ 

“C’mon, what else?” 

“Do I-“ 

“H.” Louis whines making Harry laughs before mumbling something. Louis blinks. Blinks again. Wonders if he misheard. Well, fuck. 

“Bondage?” 

“Lou.” Harry whines this time. 

“What else?” Louis asks, a spike of arousal shooting through them both. 

Harry groans but obliges, “Spanking. Toys. Kind of rough eventually. Dirty talk. Hair pulling. I like the idea of being like, submissive.” Louis’ breath is taken out of him as he imagines it; Harry wrecked, eyes blown and begging to come. Louis will stick around for twenty years or more years without sex if _that’s_ the end result. 

“Well, fuck.” He breathes out, “If I didn’t love you before I would definitely now.” 

“Lou.” Harry groans, cheeks on fire with embarrassment. 

“No, no, baby ‘m so - _fuck_ , yeah that’s so fine with me. All of this. ‘ve never done this stuff before but like, fuck yes.” Louis breathes out – the most he’s done is spank someone he slept with in Uni and they came immediately. He wonders how many Harry could take. He can feel himself getting hard and has to adjust himself so Harry doesn’t realise. 

“Y-you sure?” Harry asks timidly. 

“So, so fucking sure. It’s you who has to figure this out babe. You may like it in porn or whatever but living it is different. But no rush, no rush at all babe.” 

“Oh god I can’t believe I told you that.” Harry laughs – it’s beautiful and Louis thinks he could listen to it for the rest of his life. It’s a big and serious thought after only five months of dating but it doesn’t scare him as much as he thinks it should. He has a feeling they’re meant to last. He pecks Harry’s lips before he starts telling Louis more secrets – thankfully less sexual ones. Louis loves him a lot and would wait as long as he needed, forever if need be. He’s content with just the boy in his arms placing loving kisses on his chest every now and then. 

~ 

Harry sees the leaflet when he exits the student office at college, boldly advertising that it is about _Mental Health care in your area_. Usually Harry would walk away, a deep ache in his chest as he would leave without one but today he stops walking as he looks at it. The leaflet stopping him in his tracks. 

His fingers are shaking when he thumbs through the multiple copies, tugging one out eventually. His heart is beating faster than it should, hands sweaty and a feeling a panic spreading through his body. He’s panicking as he looks around, no one in sight, as he flips open the leaflet. There are boxes informing him to see his GP, or a school councillor, or a therapist if he knows one but if not his GP will contact one. There are other boxes discussing attending A &E if you’re in a more urgent need of help, boxes briefly outlining the help out there for people who are ‘struggling’; for people like Harry. 

He feels overwhelmed and panicked when he stuffs the leaflet, crumpling it to pieces, in his bag before exiting the building to head home due to his day being over. He throws the piece of paper into his desk draw and scoffs at it, promising himself that he doesn’t need it, it’s just there in case a friend ever will need it. That he’ll never ever need to consider it again. 

(He’s telling himself lies and he knows it, knows by the panic and disappointment flooding him. Knows it by how he looks at the crumpled paper every night when Louis isn’t with him, justifying in one way or another why he doesn’t need the help it offers. Until he can’t justify it anymore). 

~

“Babe c’mon just take the penalty!” 

“This is my _third_ one, ‘m just gonna miss it again.” Harry groans. 

“Just take the goddamn penalty Styles!” 

“You don’t control me Tomlinson!” Harry shoots back as he smashes the ball towards Louis and tucks it into the corner of the net. 

“Holy fuck.” Louis says wide-eyed as Harry bursts into giggles, falling onto his knees as he laughs at Louis’ reaction to his goal. He _scored_. 

“I scored!” Harry grins wide at his boyfriend as he jogs over to him. 

“I was distracted!” Louis whines as Harry continues to giggle. They’ve been on the empty field for an hour now, kicking the ball around in the early morning light before Harry has to head to an early morning revision class whilst Louis enjoys a day off. 

“I still scored.” Harry grins as he stands, brushing his knees. 

“The score is 7-1 babe.” 

“ _Still_.” Harry pouts making Louis roll his eyes. 

“You’re bambi.” 

“I’m the worst footie player ever, yes I know.” 

“But you’re my favourite player.” Louis smiles, kissing Harry’s nose. 

Harry scrunches his nose up, “Sap.” 

“You love me.” Louis smirks, wrapping his arms around Harry’s waist. 

“Cannot prove a damn thing.” Harry whispers before kissing him awkwardly as Louis starts laughing. “ _Lou_.” He whines, “Kiss me properly you fool.” 

“Demanding.” Louis laughs before tugging on the hairs at the base of Harry’s neck, making him groan into Louis’ mouth. “C’mon, gotta get you home.” Louis whispers, pecking Harry’s lips a few times before pulling away. 

“Don’t wanna leave you.” Harry whispers as he rests his forehead on Louis’ shoulder. 

“Hey, it’s only going to be for a few hours alright? Then you’ll get the train to mine and I’ll pick you up from there yeah? It’s only six hours without me babe.” 

“No. No. Don’t – I can’t get the train.” Harry mumbles, pushing away from Louis. “Please pick me up. I-I don’t care if I have to walk five minutes from the college, just d-don’t make me get the train. I can’t get it. I can’t, _can’t_ get the train. I- I just can’t, will not, get the train. No. God. Pick me up please. Please. I can’t get the train.” 

“Hey, hey, yeah, okay, that’s fine H. Babe.” Louis rushes, cupping Harry’s cheeks to get him to focus. “Of course I‘ll pick you up. I’ll park around the south corner and meet you there okay? Stop, stop panicking. I’ll pick you up. You don’t have to get the train.” Louis frowns as he talks to Harry, stroking the pad of his thumb over his cheek bone. “No train.” He murmurs, trying to figure out what the hell just happened. 

“Thank you.” Harry breathes, sagging slightly with relief. “Thank you, thank you.” 

Louis watches his facial features relax for a few seconds before sighing, “C’mon let’s get you home.” They walk back in silence, Harry clinging to Louis’ hand as they walk through the almost silent streets, half 5 being too early for most people. Harry has started getting used to being woken some mornings at 4am for an adventure with Louis, found that it makes it easier to breathe for a few hours. 

“I’ll see you later then yeah?” Harry asks quietly when they reach his home. 

“Until 11 babe. Get some more sleep.” Louis smiles, kissing Harry cheek before pulling away, wondering if he should bring up what scares him so much about getting the train home. 

“Love you.” Harry whispers. 

“Love you too.” Louis whispers back, watching Harry open and close his door. He starts to walk down Harry’s drive, wishing he’d asked Harry what had been wrong when he mutters ‘fuck it’ and jogs back to the door and gently taps it, hoping not to wake Anne or Robin. 

“Lou?” 

“We’re going to talk about why you’re scared of getting the train home when we get to mine because you panicked back then and I have absolutely no idea why. Alright?” 

“Lou-“ 

“Harry you said, you agreed you’d be more honest – we’d be honest. So please, be honest with me.” Louis says, pushing his hair out of his eyes. He wants to yank on it in frustration; at his boy being so broken, at his boy not telling him what makes him sad, at his boy. 

“Okay. I’ll – okay.” Harry agrees, uneasy. Louis sighs despite getting what he wants. 

“I-I know it’s shitty, making you tell me when you don’t want to but, but Haz I want to know everything that makes you sad okay? I want to be with you when you overcome everything and I want- I just want to help you anyway I can.” 

Harry smiles slightly, moving forward to kiss Louis softly. “It’s – it’s alright. I’ll tell you when we get to yours and – just don’t be mad alright?” 

Louis frowns, heart picking up slightly. “Harry, what do you mean-“ 

“It’s nothing bad alright? Just, I know you.” Louis continues to frown as he agrees and kisses Harry before properly parting this time. 

~ 

“What?!” Louis yells as he stands, “They _what?_ ” 

“Lou, it’s okay honestly it’s-“ 

“Harry that’s bullying, that’s – holy shit.” Louis says angrily storming around his bedroom. Harry grabs his hand but he shakes him off as he continues to pace. “They – they _torment_ you on a fucking train and panic and upset you. That’s – that’s not fucking okay!” The thing is that Harry knows this, he knows what they do isn’t fine or okay but there’s nothing he can do. If he fights back it will just get worse but if he ignores it, it doesn’t. 

“Babe-“ 

“How long?” Louis demands. 

“Dunno, probably since the start of college. Knew them before that though.” 

“The start of - what this year? Or nearly three years ago?” 

“Lou, can we-“ 

“Harry, when?” 

“When, when I started three years ago.” Harry mumbles, bringing his knees under his chin as Louis groans loudly, kicking the pile of dirty clothes in the corner. They’re silent for a minute as Harry watches Louis pace around his bedroom before climbing onto the bed so that he’s sat in front of Harry, wide eyed and frustrated. 

“I love you.” 

“Yeah.” 

“And I’m sorry you’ve been dealing with this on your own.” 

“It’s okay.” 

“But it isn’t babe.” 

“’m alright.” 

“Yeah but you’re not.” 

“I’m going to get a drink.” Harry says as he stands, fingers fumbling with the ends of his jumper as he leaves the room. Louis falls onto his back and sighs, wondering how Harry has done this for so long when it’s exhausting for him already. 

~

“Harry!” 

“What?” Harry snaps making Niall almost wince. 

“I was explaining to you- actually, never mind.” Niall shakes his head, “What’s up with you?” Harry can feels tears threatening but he just shakes his head as he grabs his bag. 

“For christ sake, nothing, ‘m fine. Going to class.” He snaps before walking away, leaving a dumbfound Niall sat in the small college café alone. Harry strides through the college to one of the barely used bathrooms quickly, fumbling with his wrist, tracing the new cut on it that he created days ago; that had him in tears when Louis held him an hour later. He falls into a cubicle almost immediately, sobs spilling over as he wraps his arms around his knees, the feeling of suffocation and disappointment flooding him, trapping him. Thoughts such as _I don’t deserve them, I’m doing them a favour, they’ll be better off_ flooding his mind. 

He stays sat on the floor until his breathing has evened out and the grip of his arms around his legs has softened. When he checks his phone he sees he’s five minutes late to class and rushes out, quickly fixing his hair and hoping he’s so late no one will question his red eyes and cheeks. 

~

“Look don’t, I just want to be on my own.” Harry says, rolling his eyes at Louis’ pout as he pulls off his t-shirt. 

“H, you wanted-“

“Yes and now I don’t!” Harry yells, “I changed my mind!” 

“Harry.” Louis frowns, confused by his boyfriend’s sudden anger. 

“Look I’m going for a shower, be gone by the time I’m out please.” Harry mumbles before leaving the room, offering Louis a small smile as he closes the door. Harry showers in a bid to wash away the emptiness inside of him, clawing at his skin and washing away any tears that slip past his eyelids, wishing he wasn’t pushing everyone away. 

~

As soon as Harry has left the bedroom Louis is sliding his phone out of his jeans pocket, ignoring Harry’s request to leave, dialling Niall instantly. “Lou?” 

“You’re definitely right, something’s going on. He’s been snapping at me since we got home – well, all week really.” Niall sighs at this and Louis knows he’s probably just confirmed whatever thoughts he was having regarding Harry. 

“He’s _Harry _, literally a baby kitten when he’s annoyed. I’ve never seen him like this, he’s so, so bitter and angry. With everyone. I haven’t spent any time outside of college with him in over three weeks, haven’t been allowed near him when he’s having a fucking bad day all of a sudden. Ed says he comes into class late and leaves instantly, sitting near the door. Doesn’t say jack shit. I just, I’m at a loss with this.”__

“I-I don’t know.” Louis says, tugging at his hair in frustration, “I just don’t know. Maybe it’s exam stress?” 

“Maybe but, he’s never usually like this. Sure, he’s stressed, quiet and anti-social during exam period but he’s never being a complete fucking dick to everyone. I- I don’t know what he’s doing.” Niall groans. 

“We, we’ve just been helping him mask the pain. Pretending we’re enough. We can pull him through this but we can’t. We’re not qualified to help him fully. He needs real help Ni, proper help.” 

“I know Louis. I know. He’s terrified of it though.” Niall sighs just as the shower shuts off. 

“Shit, Ni, ‘ve gotta go. H is coming out of the shower. I’ll be at the flat soon.” Louis rushes as he slips his shoes on, tossing his phone into his bag as he scribbles a note to Harry telling him he loves him before quietly leaving the room before Harry has even left the ensuite. 

Louis texts Harry three times during the evening to make sure he’s okay, as does Niall twice. Neither of them get a reply. Louis barely sleeps. 

~

A week later, the Thursday before Harry’s exams begin, Louis is playing around on his laptop whilst Harry studies when Harry slides over a small, folded piece of paper without any words. Louis quirks an eyebrow at his boyfriend, who is pulling his bottom lip between his teeth as he nods at the piece of paper. 

Once opened Louis stares at the leaflet titled _Mental Health care in your area_ colourfully before glancing at Harry who is still worrying his lip between his teeth. “You wanna-?” Harry nods, then shrugs. 

“I think, soon. ‘m just so, so scared. After last time Lou. Not yet but, maybe after exams.” Harry mumbles, eyes downcast as he finishes like he’s ashamed that he’s still not completely ready. 

“Babe this is- wow. So good. ‘m so proud of you.” Louis stumbles over his words because of the pure joy and awe he is feeling, knowing Harry has actively started trying to get himself help after so long. 

“Really?” Harry asks, glancing up at Louis who takes his hand and squeezes it. 

“H, this is amazing. You – you know the help you need. Known all along but researching for it yourself and facing your fear is brilliant. I am – god, I am so glad baby.” 

“Y-yeah?” Harry asks on the brink of tears. 

“Baby.” Louis grins, cupping Harry’s face. “You are wonderful and strong and this shows it.” Louis mumbles before kissing Harry softly and slowly, savouring the taste and feel of his boyfriend. Louis peppers kisses along Harry’s jawline, over his cheek bones and nose, on his eyelids and forehead making his boyfriend giggle. 

“I-I’m just, so fed up of feeling like this. Waking up anxious and the constant feeling like ‘m drowning. I know I’ve been avoiding everything, pretending ‘m coping because I didn’t, don’t, want to deal with it b-but I think. If I wanna succeed at something, even if it’s just us, ‘m gonna need help. Professional help. And, and I don’t know when it’ll be – in a few weeks or, shit, Christmas – but I just wanted you to know that, that I had been looking into it.” 

“Looking into it is such a big step darling, and you did it. All on your own because you know you need to. That’s so fucking huge.” 

“I just, just want to wake up a-and not feel like ‘m about to have a panic attack every morning. I just want to be able to function on my own a bit more a-and not, god I don’t know. I just don’t want to feel so fucking empty anymore. I- I want something to change. Something to happen, even if it’s small, so I don’t feel this fucking hollow.” Harry says frustrated with himself. Louis tightens his arms around his boy and places a kiss on his forehead. 

“You’re making a start. That’s what counts. You’re gonna get there eventually.” Louis reassures, praying that Harry allows himself what he wants sooner rather than later. 

~

“I think he’s punishing himself.” Louis says, sat on his kitchen counter two weeks later as Niall and Zayn are sat at the breakfast bar, Harry completing his last exam as they speak. 

“How’d you mean?” Niall asks. 

“I just – I think he’s got this, complex, I suppose that he doesn’t deserve to recover. He’s like, realised that he needs to recover from something instead of just avoid what’s wrong b-but I think he’s not allowing himself to. Punishing himself instead.” 

“You think that?” 

“Yeah. Fuck, I don’t know what I think. I think we’re making progress – he’s being more open, not hiding his wrists, messaging me when he’s feeling so bad, _discussing getting professional help_ \- then he goes back to closing me, _us_ , out. He’s dismissive, angry, quiet. It was just something I thought earlier. Maybe he knows he needs help but doesn’t think he should get it. I just, fuck I don’t know what he’s trying to do.” Louis shrugs. “Maybe I’m talking utter shit. Dunno.” 

“I think you may be onto something there Lou.” Zayn speaks up after a few quiet seconds. “Think about it, he’s been crumbling, I guess, for years, hurting and isolating himself. Thinking _he_ is the problem so when he finally accepts that yeah, maybe he needs some help, when he finally considers it, it would make sense that there is something stopping him. Some conscious, or unconscious I dunno, belief that he doesn’t deserve the help offered.” Zayn yawns, rubbing his eyes. “He’s been punishing himself for years so now, he’s just doing it in a slightly different way.” 

“He’s so, so frustrated and _angry _and it’s breaking my heart because there’s only so much I can do to help him. I don’t know what he’s trying to do. I- I feel so fucking selfish but he is breaking my heart being so, so.” Louis takes a deep breath, pushing the pads of his hands into his eye sockets to stop any unwelcome tears. “He’s Harry, he’s – fuck – he’s the love of my life and he’s hurting so much that he wants to destroy every fucking relationship he’s ever had. That’s ever mattered; me, Ed, _Niall_. Hell, even Liam, who rung me yesterday asking if I’d fucked over Harry because he won’t talk to him. Took me twenty minutes to reassure that no, I hadn’t fucked Harry over, he was just trying to push everyone away. I don’t, don’t know what he’s trying to do.” __

“Lou-“

“Sometimes we just sit and talk for hours or go out and play footie, see a movie secretly or he’ll make me dinner when his mum’s at work and those, god I love those days. When he’s so, so _Harry_ , when he’s the boy I met last October. But this, this angry, bitter, hurt version of him that’s suddenly appeared is tearing me apart because he won’t, won’t tell me what’s going on. He’s tearing himself apart further. I don’t know what he’s trying to do for Christ sake!” Louis yells the last bit, tugging at his hair until gentle hands pry his hands away. 

“Lou.” Zayn whispers, “I think you figured it out then what he’s trying to do babe, and I think you need to have a talk with him. Explain how you feel and tell him you think he’s trying to push everyone away and punish himself. Tell him that and see what he says, but you can’t beat yourself up over it. You’ve gotta communicate, relationships need communication not whatever this just was.” 

“He wants help.” 

“I know and that’s bloody brilliant Lou, but that will take time to get and in the meantime he cannot take it out on you and Ni and whoever else. Harry needs to communicate with you just as much as you need to talk to him babe. You’re not the only one in this relationship. Have a chat, talk it through and you’ll probably find it’ll help.” Zayn sighs, squeezing Louis hands. 

“I just, just wish he would talk to me.” 

“He’s getting there Lou. Trust me mate. You’re still spending time with him when none of us are allowed even near him, that’s something.” Niall says between mouthfuls of cereal. 

“Guess so.” Louis nods as Zayn tugs him into his chest, wrapping his arms around his best friend, planting a kiss on the top of his head. 

~

“Harry-“

“I said no!” Harry yells, attempting to slam the front door as he storms into his house, Louis not far behind him. 

“I just want to talk about what is happening, please!” 

“Louis, don’t fucking start I said no!” Harry yells as he jogs up the stairs.

“I’m your _boyfriend_ Harry, who cares about you so fucking much. I just want to talk to you; we’re supposed to communicate, not, not do this!” Louis pleads making Harry stop. Louis thinks he may have gotten what he wants for a few seconds until Harry laughs humourlessly. 

“Well if this isn’t what you fucking want then fuck off! Get out and leave me to deal with this shit, I can cope, ‘m fucking fine. Not the beaten up princess you make me out to be. If I’m not what you fucking want to deal with anymore then fuck off! I don’t care.” Harry yells, throwing his hands in the air angrily as he does. 

“I knew it.” Louis whispers, heart pounding as his worries are confirmed, “I fucking knew it. Y-you are trying to get rid of us. Breaking any functioning relationships you have by pushing us away, being so angry.” 

“Louis,” Harry laughs, “No, no I’m not. I’m telling you to fuck off because you said it yourself, we’re not doing what people in a relationship should do. ‘m telling you to fuck off because we’re not fucking functioning; because this isn’t what you want!” Harry stares at Louis as he says, “I’m telling you to fuck off.” Before he walks into his bedroom and slams the door close, the loud noise covering Louis sob. It’s silent, except for small noises from Harry’s room and Louis’ angry sobs. He’s never hated being right so much. 

“Erm.” Someone says from down the hall, making Louis spin on the spot and wipe his eyes as he notices the girl who looks to be about his age with dark hair. Gemma. _Shit_. “So, hi.” She says. 

“Hi.” Louis croaks out, coughing awkwardly. They look at each other for what feels like hours to Louis as he wipes his eyes more, watching his boyfriends sister assess him critically and openly. Eventually she breaks the silence. 

“Guess my mum doesn’t know H is dating someone my age?” 

“N-no, Anne doesn’t. Yet anyway ‘m, eh, Louis. Hi.” Gemma nods. 

“He being a shit?” 

Louis laughs slightly, “You could say that.” 

“Is this him being a massive prat or is it something to do with his mental illnesses?” 

“You know?” He asks, shocked.

“Course. Well, some of it. ‘m guessing you do?” 

Louis laughs bitterly, slouching against the wall next to Harry’s bedroom door. “Something like that.” 

“C’mon, let’s get a cuppa.” Gemma says with a small smile before heading down the stairs. Louis looks at Harry’s door for a second before sighing and following Gemma, wondering what is happening behind that door. Hoping he’s wrong to worry. 

“So, I heard you two arguing earlier.” Gemma begins awkwardly once they’ve made themselves a drink and sat down in the kitchen. 

“Sorry ‘bout that.” 

“That happen often?” She asks with a raised eyebrow. 

“Not really. I mean, we have our arguments but it’s never usually like that. That was-“ Louis laughs humourlessly, “that was something. ‘m sorry you had to see that Gemma. Really not the first impression I wanted to give to my boyfriend’s sister.” Gemma studies Louis for a while as he sips his drink, feeling exhausted and at a loss because he doesn’t know what to do. Doesn’t know if he should be sat with Harry’s sister or with Harry himself or if he should just leave altogether. 

“He’s bad again isn’t he? Like, really bad?” 

Louis looks up at her and nods slowly. “He’s – god, I don’t know what to do Gemma.” 

“How bad?” 

“You- you think, I think we’re getting somewhere – he starts to look into therapy and tells me when he’s harmed instantly. That’s a start I tell myself, he’s making progress. Then, then. God, then something like earlier happens. He’s so - _angry_.” Louis sighs, “Niall – you know Ni right? – he mentioned Harry’s anger to me a few weeks ago and –“

“I’ve never heard him like that.” Gemma says softly. 

“I don’t even know if I should be here. He, you heard him, he was telling me to fuck off. _Christ_ , I knew he was doing this. Pushing me away. I knew it.” 

“Louis.” Gemma pleads, “What is happening with my brother?” 

“I-I can’t. It’s not my place Gemma. ‘m sorry but Harry needs to talk to you. I dunno, take some tea and talk to him just please calm him down.” They sit quietly for a while before Gemma stands with a sigh, fixing her shirt before flipping the kettle to boil. 

“Do you want me to tell him anything?” She asks as she adds milk to an empty mug. 

“Just that ‘m not being pushed away. He won’t succeed. That’s what he’s been trying to do for the past few weeks, trying to push us all away but fuck it’s not gonna work.” Louis stands as well, “I think I should leave. He doesn’t want me to be here so I’ll come over tomorrow or, or he can ring me. Fuck, I promised I’d never leave him but, god he doesn’t-” 

“Can you cook?” 

“What?” Louis frowns. 

“Can you cook? Make a simple dinner?” 

“Erm, yeah. Like a curry or pasta dish or something. Meat and potatoes.” He shrugs. 

“Okay, you stay and make dinner. You’re gonna have dinner with mum, as H’s friend or boyfriend, I dunno, but make dinner and I’ll chat with Harry. Just don’t leave. He was angry, seems to be dealing with something’s.” 

“Gem-“

“You love him, don’t you?” 

Louis sighs before nodding, knowing that Gemma can literally see the answer on his face. “Whole heartedly.” 

“Okay.” She nods, picking up the drink for Harry before heading upstairs leaving an exhausted Louis in the kitchen, debating whether to get another cup of tea or to ring Zayn. Louis groans as he stands, sliding his phone out as he puts more water into the kettle. 

“Name a dinner that is easy to do and suitable for your boyfriends mum to eat?” Louis greets when Zayn answers. 

“…What?” 

“’m cooking for Harry’s mum ‘pparently, according to Gemma anyway.” 

“So your talk went alright then?” 

Louis laughs as he leans against the kitchen worktop, “Nope. Awful. He told me to leave him alone, to not come back basically. Confirmed my suspicion he’s trying to push us away though. We haven’t spoken since.” 

“Lou why are you still there then?” 

“Well, Gemma was home and heard the whole screaming match we had. She tried to make me explain what was wrong with her brother but I only told her that he was bad again because Harry would kill me if I told anyone too much; it’s not my stuff to tell after all. She told me to stay and make dinner whilst she talks to Harry; dunno what she’s expecting – a fucking miracle or something ‘m guessing. Gonna have dinner with Anne as well – probably Robin too – which is going to be awkward as hell.” 

“They still don’t know do they?” 

“Nope. Harry’s relationship with them is so up ‘nd down he just hasn’t wanted to rock it anymore, and if Harry and I still aren’t talking then dinner will be shitty – if the food is edible or not.” Louis sighs, glad to hear that the house is quiet rather than the yelling he was half expecting Gemma to receive from Harry. 

“Just, make the dinner. See how Harry is with his family and, I don’t know. It’s a waiting game. Gemma may get through to him, or he may be as stubborn with her as he is with you. You’re going to have to wait and see.” 

“Patience isn’t my thing Zayn.” Louis groans. 

“It has been ever since you met Harry. Go make dinner Lou.” Zayn laughs before ending the call. 

“Well goodbye to you too, prick.” Louis mutters before sighing and starting to prepare the meal, hoping it wouldn’t be as awkward as he was predicting. 

~

“He looks… exhausted Haz and I think that’s because he’s worried, about you.” Gemma murmurs as she holds Harry whilst he sips his warm drink which is soothing his sore throat. 

“He knows, what ‘ve been tryin’ do.” Harry mumbles, sniffing as involuntary tears fall down his cheeks. 

“He’s clearly not stupid babe, of course he knew. Especially if this was new behaviour.” 

“‘m not- I don’t like yelling or anger. ‘tis why when mum gets angry I hate it.” Harry mumbles, grateful for his sister’s unexpected visit, especially after his horrible lashing out at Louis. He’d fallen onto his bed once he slammed his bedroom door closed and sobbed, hating himself for his irrational behaviour towards his boyfriend knowing that this behaviour was not acceptable. When he saw his sister walk into his bedroom he’d sobbed harder, grateful and broken. 

“Do you love him?” Gemma asks, snapping him out of his guilty thoughts as she wipes away a few of his tears. 

“I – I – yeah, I do.” He whispers, suddenly nervous as of what his sister would think. She hasn’t said much about what she thinks of Louis, other than that they’d spoken. 

“He said you’d been harming again.” 

“’m so sorry Gem.” Harry cries, turning his head into his sister’s neck as panic and despair overwhelm him. 

“C’mon no apologising darling.” She whispers as she rocks him gently like a baby, making him feel safe as he cries. He just wishes he could greet his sister normally when she arrives back for a week at home, not sobbing into her chest because he feels like he’s breaking inside. He wishes he wasn’t such a burden on everyone he meets, wishes he could push his sister away just like he was doing to everyone else around him. Freeing them. 

He wants Louis though. He wants him because when he’s just holding Harry he feels secure, safe. He wants him because he constantly wants to be with him, misses him slightly when he’s not there by his side. He wants him because he always looks at him with the fondest expression, making Harry feel loved and appreciated. Louis makes Harry feel happy, comfortable and settled. Louis makes Harry feel at home and that _terrifies_ him because he knows he’ll hurt him, sometime and some day. 

“I th-thought Louis w-would give up on me or I’d h-hurt him so, so I pushed him and m-my friends away so I couldn’t hurt them and n-now, after that argument he’s probably not coming ba-“ 

“He’s downstairs making dinner as we speak.” Gemma interrupts Harry’s gentle whimpers as he stumbles over words. 

“W-what?” Harry asks, surprised, shocked and so thankful at Gemma’s words. She studies his face careful when he pulls away from her chest to meet her eye before smiling gently. 

“He’s downstairs making dinner for us and our parents. Didn’t want to leave you. Said something about promising never to.” 

“R-really?” Harry asks with disbelief. “I- I was so horrible and yelly and disgusting to him for the past few weeks a-and he’s downstairs, still?” 

Gemma nods, “He’s worried as fuck Harry. He looks knackered and drained but he clearly adores you.” Gemma says with a small smile, “I definitely approve of him, even if he is my age.” Harry sends his sister a small smile as he puts his mug on the floor and wipes his eyes of tears, sniffling as he does so. 

“I-I wanna see Lou.” He mumbles quietly, wiping his eyes again with his sweater paws due to wearing a large hoodie Louis bought him a few weeks ago. He feels fragile, like at any moment a gust of wind will knock him down, and shaky despite not actually shaking. He just wants his boy hugging him, if he’ll have him. 

“Let’s go then.” She smiles, taking his hand to lead the way as he follows her. He feels slightly out of it and numb, like he’s swimming in his head. Feels so very fragile. When they reach the kitchen Louis is stirring something in the slow cooker before adding mushrooms, then stirring it again. He looks comfortable and so very domestic in the large kitchen, making Harry’s heart ache and more unwelcome tears fall onto his cheeks in regret. 

“Lou.” Harry whispers causing Louis to spin on the spot, spoon in hand, to meet Harry’s eye. “’m so so sorry.” Harry sobs, tugging at the sleeves of his hoodie. 

“Baby come here.” Louis smiles, dropping the spoon and opening his arms as Harry pads across the room into them, weeping into his chest as Louis’ arms tighten around him. Harry automatically feels safer and at home as Louis whispers a mixture of _love you’s_ , _i’m not going anywhere, we’ll get through this, safe with me_ and _love you so much_ into his ear. 

“’m sorry ‘m so sorry, I just, want to protect you f-from me. You deserve better and n-not to get hurt. Just-”

“Harry. _I_ will decide who I want to be with, who I ‘deserve’, for myself. ‘m 23 for Christ sake baby, I can decide that myself and I chose you. You, you absolutely fucking lashing out over the past few weeks and ripping me to shreds was not on. You cannot do that to people Harry. It’s not fair baby. ‘m not leaving you, neither are Niall or Liam or Ed; none of us are. We’re here for you.” 

“I just don’t want to hurt you because ‘m so fucked up and-“

“No.” Louis exclaims, pulling away from their embrace and cupping Harry’s red face, rubbing his thumb over Harry’s cheekbone to wipe away tears as he talks. “What hurts me is you pushing me and everyone you love away. What hurts me is seeing you hurt yourself like that, like you believe that you don’t deserve these people who want to help you. What hurts me babe, is watching you think you do not deserve good things in your life because you’re scared of yourself.” 

“I-“ Harry breaks off, hiccupping through tears. He feels like all he’s done in the past few weeks is cry because of his own actions. 

“You need to apologise to Niall and Liam, and Ed as well, but you also need to accept that these people around you love and care about you, that you do deserve friends like them. People who care about you.” 

“’m sorry Louis, so sorry.” Harry hiccups. When he closes his eyes as he takes a deep breath he feels a kiss being brushed against his forehead which makes him sigh, the small comfort easing his erratic emotions slightly. 

“It’s not okay but you can’t do it again, okay?” 

“Never again.” Harry whispers, the words foreign to his own ears as he says them but he knows he can try and work on accepting that the people he has around him are here to stay. He can try and work on it, he tells himself, because he trusts Louis, despite his actions contradicting that trust. 

“Please don’t.” Louis whispers, kissing his cheek before pulling him for another hug again, both breathing sighs of relief. “’ve missed you.” 

“I’ve been right here.” Harry mumbles, tightening his arms around Louis’ waist. 

“No you haven’t.” Louis laughs bitterly, planting a kiss on Harry’s shoulder as they stand in the middle of the kitchen wrapped around each other, sharing mutter words and tender touches until a phone rings reminding them that Gemma is with them. 

“Hi mum … yeah ‘m home now … yeah so I Harry … him and his, friend Louis are making dinner … yeah he’s staying … oh you’ve met him? … yeah he’s nice … okay, see you then … love you, bye.” Gemma talks to Anne whilst smirking at Louis, raising an eyebrow when he describes him as nice to her mother. 

“Nice?” 

“You clearly care about him a lot, are cooking for our mother and know what he needs. I definitely approve of you.” 

“Oh.” Louis says before smiling, “good.” 

“Plus mum was quite happy you were over so that’s a good thing.” 

“Definitely.” Louis chuckles, relieved his boyfriend’s family don’t hate him. Gemma nods before looking at her phone. Louis tightens his arms around Harry’s shoulders. “How do you feel?”

“Gross.” Harry scrunches his nose up, “A bit – jittery, shaky I guess. Dunno. Feel out of it like ‘m not really here.” He whispers; he hates telling someone his feelings but knows it is for the best, especially today. 

“Do you want a bath?” 

Harry nods gently with a soft smile, “If that’s okay?” 

“Mum will be home in like 40 minutes so you’ve got some time. I’ll keep an eye on dinner.” Gemma informs them, clearly listening to the conversation. Louis laughs as they both mutter their thanks before heading upstairs. As Louis peals Harry’s hoodie off for him he frowns when he sees the red marks on Harry’s wrists, the red line on the skin showing that the cut is a few days old. 

“Baby.” 

“’m, ‘m sorry I just –”

“You’re gonna get through this, you know that? You’re the best person I know and if there was anyone who could beat demons like this, I know it would be you. It will be you. I have so much faith in you. I don’t care how slowly it happens, I know one day you’ll be in a place where you feel comfortable to be _you_.” Louis says passionately as he holds both of Harry’s hands. 

“Yeah?” Harry indulges him. 

“100% darling. You’re gonna get there one day.” Louis repeats and Harry wishes he could believe what Louis was saying as much as Louis did. 

~

Harry snuggles into Louis’ side as his family eat dinner with them in the living room, opting for comfort and the TV rather than exhausted conversation. Louis presses a kiss to Harry’s forehead, his hair still a little damp from the bath, before asking him if he’s okay. Harry nods with a smile before eating some of the rice in his bowl as Louis smiles softly watching his boy, both forgetting to be discreet about their feelings around Harry’s parents. 

Neither see Gemma gently smile at Anne, how Anne grins at Gemma or how Robin rolls his eyes with a hushed laugh. 

“You’re my favourite boy.” Louis whispers, watching Harry grin after he swallows his food. Louis has missed this boy so much. 

~

“Should I feel honoured?” Niall asks when he sees Harry the next day. 

“Ni-“

“Look I love you but don’t be a massive wanker to us again like that okay? It wasn’t okay.” 

Harry nods, “Won’t happen again.” 

“Promise?” Niall says with a raised eyebrow. 

“Promise Ni.” Niall nods, a smile spreading over his face before opening his arms. 

“Hug me then.” Harry lets out a quiet laugh before hugging his best friend, muttering apologises over and over again. Louis watches from the kitchen of his and Zayn’s flat with a fond smile. 

“He okay?” Zayn asks. 

“He will be eventually.” Louis replies not moving his eyes away from Harry and Niall hugging. 

~

“I’ve still got the leaflet.” Harry mumbles as Louis pulls his boyfriend’s back flush to his chest later that night, planting a kiss on his shoulder blade. 

“Yeah?” 

“I still want the help it offers, soon.” 

“You deserve it.” Louis reassures. The silence that follows tells him everything he needs to know about Harry’s doubts. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> nothing's changed i just split it into two pieces purely for myself!  
> the same warnings stated in the first paragraph still apply for this chapter!!

Louis surprises Harry a month later, at the end of July, when he arrives at the bakery ten minutes before closing in skin tight black jeans, a white shirt and black denim jacket. “Holy shit.” Harry says breathlessly, eyes roaming Louis’ body as he grins. 

“Harry!” Barbara squeaks, swatting Harry’s chest before apologising to a laughing customer for his awful language. 

“Hello babe.” Louis grins from the opposite side of the counter. “How are you?” 

“W-what are you doing here?” Harry asks, cheeks red as he looks at Louis. 

“I, my darling, am here to take you out on a date. Our first real date since my birthday. _On Christmas eve_.” 

“Oh.” 

“Is ‘oh’ the only thing you’ve got to say?” Louis asks with a smug smirk making the customer who Barbara was serving laugh. 

“I just – you just – look amazing, like, wow.” Harry stumbles over his words, admiring Louis’ thighs and tight shirt, his ankles and arms and his _hair_. “Christ.” 

“Thank you babe.” Louis grins, “You don’t look so bad yourself.” 

“Oh erm, I just worked all day so I look sh- tired.” Harry giggles glancing at Barbara. “Tired.” Barbara rolls her eyes as she hands the customer – who is still laughing at the boys, commenting on how cute they are – her change. 

“Louis, haven’t seen you in here for a while.” 

“Hello again.” He smiles, shaking her hand making her raise her eyebrows impressed. “I must say I miss the scones you bake.” 

“Ah, they’re Harry’s speciality.” 

“That must be why then.” Louis grins, glancing at Harry who’s cheeks are flaming red from embarrassment. 

Barbara laughs as she rolls her eyes again, “Okay you two, just leave. I’ll close up with just Niall tonight. Get out of here before you flirt anymore in my presence, I don’t want to deal with it anymore.” 

“Barbara, I can stay and clean-“

“No, don’t worry.” She dismisses with a smile, “Go and have a lovely date, love.” 

“I – erm, thank you.” Harry blushes, hugging her quickly before dashing out back to say bye to Niall and grab his stuff. Niall teases him about his large smile before almost pushing him back out front where Louis is grabbing left mugs and plates from the tables, handing them to Barbara. 

“Harry, this boy is lovely. Definitely a keeper.” Barbara winks when she sees him back out front, making both boys laugh before hugging her goodbye. 

“So.” Harry grins at Louis once they’re outside of the bakery. 

“So.” 

“Date night?” 

“Finished work today didn’t I? No longer one of the admin staff at your college, meaning I can do this in public.” Louis grins before gently cupping Harry’s jaw, kissing him in the middle of the street. 

“Yeah?” Harry whispers when they separate briefly. 

“Yeah. Can kiss you anywhere now.” He says happily before closing the gap again, tugging softly at Harry’s hair making him whimper into the kiss. “C’mon now, you’ve gotta change before we go for dinner.” 

“Dinner?” Harry lights up at the thought, “Really?” 

“Thought we could celebrate; exams being over, freedom for the next two months, plus ‘ve got a surprise for you.” Louis smirks as they walk hand in hand down the quiet street, placing a kiss on the back of Harry’s making him feel so happy he could _burst_.

“A surprise?” 

“Hm. A surprise.” 

“Tell me.” 

“Nope.” 

“Lou.” Harry whines, hugging his arm as he grins at his boyfriend. 

“No.” Louis laughs, “’m not telling you until we’ve eaten.” 

“But, babe-“

“No, no no.” Louis laughs, watching Harry pout as they near his home. “No. Go and change, then we can eat and then you will find out.” 

“Will I like it?” Harry asks sceptically. 

“I bloody hope so, now _go_. My car’s around the corner so I’ll be waiting out here when you’re done.” Louis insists with a laugh as Harry sighs, muttering out ‘fine’ before jogging into his house with a grin on his face. He changes quickly into black skinny jeans and an orange and black shirt, slipping on his boots and a leather jacket to cover his wrists despite the warmth outside before leaving the empty house again. 

“Okay tell me.” Harry demands as soon as he is sat in Louis’ car. Louis rolls his eyes yet remains silent as he starts the car. Harry pouts, fiddling with the music before watching out of the window as they drive. 

“Where are we going?” Harry asks after ten minutes, frowning as they drive further away from town. 

“We’ll be there soon babe, don’t worry.” Louis smiles, squeezing his knee in an attempt to stop any building anxiety. When Louis finally slows the car down Harry smiles confused at him because they’ve pulled up outside of an old, secluded cottage. “C’mon, get out.” Louis encourages. Harry follows him and takes his hand, being led into the cottage where he’s greeted by a waiter. 

“Good evening Gentlemen, what name is your table under?” 

“Tomlinson.” Louis says before tugging Harry with him as the waiter walks them through the beautifully lit restaurant, various well-dressed couples quietly eating and talking. 

“W-what is this place Lou? Holy sh- I feel like I can’t swear here because it’s so so… posh.” Harry giggles once they’ve ordered their drinks, in awe of his date. 

“Well, thought you could use a bit of spoiling after the past few months.” Louis shrugs, “Gemma mentioned to me about this super nice place that she’d been wanting to try when she came back to visit, said it was lovely and romantic but things never worked in her favour. I think she was probably playing me to take you here but, well, I needed ideas at the time and it’s a bloody lovely place. I knew you’d adore it.” 

“Adore it?” Harry gasps happily, “This is wonderful Lou. This is – god, amazing. Thank you for, bringing me. I feel like this is probably gonna bankrupt the both of us but it is a stunning place.” 

“I just wanted to treat you.” Louis smiles watching Harry look around the room. 

“I feel very underdressed.” Harry giggles, looking at the multiple men dressed in suits. 

“You look stunning.” 

“Such a charmer.” Harry laughs, accepting the cold drink from the waiter. “Thank you though Louis. This is wonderful. I would never have dreamed of ever being this… spoiled.” 

“You deserve a break sometimes.” Louis smiles, resting his hand on Harry’s. “And really expensive food.” 

“Ok, what’s the surprise?” Harry asks an hour later after dinner, sipping his drink with a raising eyebrow. 

“I did wonder how long it would take you to ask.” Louis chuckled, pulling out papers from his jacket pocket. “Before you see I just want to say I haven’t put any offers or anything down yet, in case this isn’t what you want, it’s just a suggestion alright?” Harry nods slowly with a slight frown. Louis hands the small wade of paper over to his boyfriend, chewing his lip as he does so. Harry can’t recall ever seeing Louis this nervous. He takes the paper and opens it up, gasping softly when he sees three small flats being offered by a rental company in the next city over from his first choice university. 

“I-I know we haven’t discussed what’s going to happen in the next few months, b-but I wanted you to know that there’s a primary teaching position available in a school from the end of September there which I have an interview with next week. I don’t – I’m not saying move in with me b-but I want you to know that I am willing to move, down south, with you.” Harry remains silent for a while, eyes scanning the sheets of paper admiring the small flats, calculating the rent offers and distance from his university before looking up at his boyfriend. 

“You’d really move for me? Three hours away from your family, from your best friend, for me?” Harry asks softly, overwhelmed at what Louis is proposing. He never expected this, he never expected Louis to still be with him now; he never expected Louis to be so happily committed to him. 

“I’ll miss them obviously but, you’re it for me I think. I want you to have a place where you can live when you’re not at uni, when you’re overwhelmed or needing some time away from everyone on campus. And, and, I want to be with you, in the future. I think you’re always in my heart H, but I want to be always with you anyway.” 

“You’re sure about this? Prepared to move _again_ to be with me?” 

“100%. I want to do this more than you realise.” 

Harry rolls his eyes, “That’s for sure.” He mutters, “Which place are you most interested in then?” 

Louis grins, pointing out the middle flat, a small open planned place, living room, kitchen and dinner room running into each other with easy access to a modest bedroom, small study space and bathroom. “It’s small but has an extra room and wouldn’t need too many renovations.” 

“Cheapest as well.” 

“Which is a plus but I can afford the others as well. This one is about 10 minutes, 20 tops, from your halls of residence so I won’t be too far.” Louis frowns, “That sounded horribly possessive but I just, y’know, meant if you ever need me.” Harry laughs as he looks at the flat pictures, smiling at the images in his mind of days together in the little flat. “You’re not panicking are you?” Louis interrupts, making Harry laugh again. 

“Oh I am, panicking quite a bit actually but like, fuck, you really, really want to move your whole life, for me? For some kid who’s god knows what, all types of fucked up?” 

“Hey.” Louis scowls, “You’re not – fucked up H. You’ve been treated horribly but you’re gonna get there and I am going to be there through it all. _This_ is me showing you that ‘m going nowhere.” 

“You terrify me, you know that? You say all these things about never leaving – you _show_ me you mean them – and that, fuck that terrifies me. Scares me shitless. It’s been _eight_ months.” 

“I love you Harry, and I don’t love people lightly. I needed a new job anyway, the one here was only a temp job and now I’ve got a chance at a job, a new setting and seeing my boyfriend much more on the reg than I would have if I were still in Manchester.” Louis persists. 

“I – oh god, I do – I really want this Lou. I really want for you to move with me, down south. I thought I wanted to be on my own but god, no, yes. Rent the flat out, please.” 

“Yeah?” Louis grins. 

“Yeah, please, yes.” Harry nods, beaming at his boyfriend. “Move with me.” Louis is kissing Harry in the middle of the fancy, expensive restaurant before he’s finished talking. 

~

Three days after their date – “the most romantic shit anyone has ever lived through” as Louis has called in four times now, making Harry roll his eyes – Harry is making tea when his mum walks in from work with a smile, offering to order dinner instead of cooking. “Chinese?” He asks hopefully making his mum laugh before agreeing. 

They’re sat in the living room with Robin an hour later, discussing their days as they munch on the food with an easiness Harry cannot remember there being between them for months when Harry decides that now is the best time he’s probably going to get to mention his boyfriend. “So, I, erm, wanted to tell you guys something that Gem already knows but I just, didn’t know how to mention to you for a while.” Harry stumbles over his words, anxious at their reactions to the news, when there’s a lull in conversation. 

Robin cocks an eyebrow at Harry as his mum instructs him to go on with a gentle smile, one he misses on the days when they’re not getting on. Harry takes a deep breathe before breathing, “I have an older boyfriend” quick and simple. He feels like the air has stopped, time has stood still as he avoids their eyes, concentrating on his food as he adjusts his statement. “I have an older boyfriend who, who is Louis. Louis. ‘ve been dating Louis since November/December. I’m in love with Louis.” 

The silence which has covered the room makes Harry feel trapped and nervous, until it’s broken by his stepdads laugh, loud and welcomed as Harry looks up to both of them giggling, his mum shaking her head. “Haz, we knew. We’ve known for a few months.” 

“W-what?” Harry asks, eyebrows furrowed as he watches them laugh. “Why didn’t you say anything? Why didn’t you just ask?” 

“Why didn’t you say anything Harry? We guessed when he was over a lot and then, Christ, we saw how you’d smile when we mentioned that he was over or how close you were. _Then_ when he made dinner for us and Gemma last month? We were certain then. You were practically in his lap and the forehead kisses.” Anne rolls her eyes fondly, “Absolutely disgusting, let me tell you. Gemma wouldn’t tell us though, just kept laughing and telling us to ask you.” 

Harry is at a loss for words as his mum talks, processing that _holy shit they knew_. “I – really?” 

“Hm. You’re pretty sweet together.” Robin smiles. 

“I- eh, thanks.” He nods blankly. 

“He’s a bit older than you H though.” 

“Yeah, he’s 23 but erm, he’s lovely and never told me his birthday was on Christmas Eve until I accidently planned dinner that day. But I knew his age at the time. He was convinced his best mate had told me but, I just wanted a Christmas dinner honestly.” He shrugs with a weary grin. 

“You like him a lot don’t you?” 

“I’m in love with him I think. No, I know.” Harry blushes, “And ‘pparently he feels the same too. He wants to, erm, move down south with me in September. Got a teaching interview next week ‘nd everything.” 

“Wow.” Robin says, looking to his wife who is staring at Harry blankly. “That’s… very serious of him.” 

“Yeah. He, eh, took me out for dinner a few days ago and asked me if I was okay with it because he didn’t want it to make me uncomfortable or anything.” 

“And you are?” 

Harry nods, “Yeah, I am. Like, we never discussed what would happen if I got into Uni but when he suggested it I was in shock, absolute shock that he, he would willingly move hours away for me but I knew that I wanted it more than anything.” Harry can feel how red his cheeks are as he gauges his parents reactions, his stepdad looking at his mum cautiously as she studies Harry, their previous cheerfulness replaced with a careful and sombre atmosphere. 

“Harry.” Anne says softly as she places her plate beside her on the sofa so she can lean her elbows on his knees, “I just – he’s quite a bit older than you and you’re – you’ve never mentioned wanting to fall in love with someone this seriously before. Quite the opposite actually. And now, you’re telling us you’ve been seeing a lad for over six months, nearly nine, and never told us, plus he is willing to move down south with you? I can’t help but wonder is, is he using you for-“ She motions down to his feet and back to his head a few times with her hand, “Is he using you for your b- sex. Is he using you for sex?” She blurts out making Harry blush fucking _crimson_.

“God no.” He laughs, covering his face with his hands as he laughs, wanting the ground to swallow him instantly because he did not expect this to turn into a sex conversation. “Mum, Robin, I can promise you this isn’t about sex.” 

“Well, how do you know?!” Anne asks bewildered, “You never told us about dating him, he’s always around here or you’re with him, he’s older than you, he wants to move with you? It’s very – he could be!” 

“Mum I promise you, it’s not.” Harry groans as he watches him mum protest, “We haven’t, haven’t slept together. Haven’t done anything remotely like that.” 

“What?” Anne says. 

“We haven’t – nothing more than like, snogging.” Harry shrugs embarrassed. 

“You don’t have to lie to us Harry-“

“’m not. We haven’t – I haven’t wanted to.” His parents are quiet for a while before Robin speaks. 

“Really?” 

Harry wants the world to fucking kill him, Robin getting involved in the conversation makes it all so much worse for some reason. “Really, so can we please like, stop talking about sex. Please.” 

“You’re so easily embarrassed for a nineteen year old.” His mother mutters with an eye roll. 

“You’re my parents, Christ.” Harry replies, sipping his drink just for something, anything, to do. 

“I can’t say ‘m over the moon about not being told Haz but I do want him to come for dinner this week if he can, you said he has an interview soon?” 

“Yeah, he’s staying down there in a hotel for the night but will be back midday time I guess.” 

“Okay, he can have dinner the night he’s back then. We want a proper introduction, invite Gem if that’ll make things easier for the both of you, ‘m sure she’d love to come back home for a few days.” Anne says with a smile. 

“She can’t just take says off mum.” Harry laughs, a fact his mother never seems to get, justifying that ‘she can for the woman who birthed her’ (a literal quote). “Plus, you’ve already met him before!” 

“Yes but now we get to interrogate him.” She grins, Robin laughing at the absolute menace in her smile. Harry hasn’t had such a nice evening with her in weeks and he is so gratefully this peacefulness between them lasts for the next week. 

~

Dinner is fine, as Harry predicted. Louis is shattered from travelling but tells Harry with a tired smile that he is pretty sure he nailed the interview. They curl up on Harry’s bed for an hour or so as Anne cooks a curry once she’s home, Louis making sure Harry is okay after he admits he had a bad day yesterday. 

“I stayed in bed all day, Ni came over and slept for a while before going to work.” 

“Why didn’t either of you bloody tell me?!” 

“You were three hours away and in an interview, you couldn’t do anything.” 

“But-“

“Lou, ‘m okay.” 

“You’re not.” Louis insists. 

“Okay, I’m not but I can cope without you.” 

“I don’t want you to have to though.” Harry turns over so that he can kiss Louis properly before resting his head on his chest. They lay there for twenty more minutes before Anne calls them. Louis acts wearily around Anne Harry notices, not his usual warm self. He’s a little cautious when he talks, not that she nor Robin notice, only Harry does. Maybe Louis always acts this way with Anne but Harry can’t remember the last time he was with them when they properly spoke. She still smiles happily at Louis so it definitely isn’t noticeable. 

~

“Pl-please get here Lou. Please.” Harry whispers, shaking as he squeezes into the corner of his room, wrist rubbed raw as everything caves around him. 

“I’m coming, ‘m coming darling. I’m on my way just- just stay on the line. ‘m on my way I promise.” Louis repeats as Harry slips, his mind submerging like he’s underwater as panic floods him. He drops his phone as he pushes the balls of his hands into his eyes, the tears slipping freely as his breathing goes out of control. 

“I can’t- I – I can’t –“ Harry stumbles over his words, curling further into himself as he fades, his breathing rapid and restless, “I can’t –“ He pushes his hands harder into his eyes, his vision whiting out then going black, bright shapes also filling his vision. He stays in the corner, panic drowning him until Louis arrives because then he’s being picked up and laid on his bed, Louis draping his body back over his back as he takes his hand and making Harry focus on his pulse point, sobs still coming as he continues to feel disorientated due to the panic he’s feeling. 

“Focus on it baby, focus on my pulse and breathe slowly, deep breaths darling, c’mon, deep breaths baby.” Louis murmurs in an attempt to calm Harry as the shaking continues. Harry feels more rooted than he did before having a body anchoring him, weighing him down, compared to the floating he felt previously but it takes another 15 minutes before his breathing is more steady, although not completely normal and the shaking to stop yet he still can feel them, tells Louis this as he curls into his body exhausted. 

“That was a bad one.” Louis whispers later, once Harry has had a bath to relax his body further. 

“I still feel so fragile, shaky now.” He murmurs. 

“What happened?” 

“I don’t, I don’t know Lou, please don’t make me, don’t.” Harry pleads, curling further into Louis’ chest like he’s trying to disappear. 

“I won’t, I won’t. It’s okay, ‘ve got to you. You’re okay.” Louis whispers, rocking him gently until he’s fast asleep. Louis kisses his forehead and hates himself for letting Harry still get away with this but he knows he cannot push him into anything he doesn’t feel ready for. He’s here until the end, even if that’s very far off. 

~

“Are you excited to see them?” Harry asks, wrapped in a thin jumper as he and Louis drop their bags in front of the large Tomlinson family house. 

“Yeah, I haven’t seen the little ones since Christmas.” 

“You miss your sisters a lot don’t you?” Harry asks knowingly, has listened to Louis ramble about them many times. 

“’ve gotten better at missing them, and better at using Skype.” He shrugs with a grin, tugging at Harry’s hand until they’re linked together. “Stop stretching your jumper, you’ll make it all out of shape. I know you’re nervous but you shouldn’t be, they’re going to love you.” 

“’m not nervous.” Harry huffs despite knowing that Louis was there for the events that nearly led to a panic attack at 8am this morning after he’d stayed over secretly due to Anne and Robin leaving for the night. 

“I know your tells for when you’re nervous or having a bad day or feeling uncomfortable. Tugging at your jumper sleeves so you feel safe and covered is one of them.” Louis insists, kissing Harry’s cheek. “I’ve picked up on a few things over these past few months my love.” 

Harry sighs defeated but not willing to admit it yet, “Whatever Lou, just ring your goddamn doorbell please.” 

Louis laughs loudly as he plants a kiss on Harry’s forehead before tugging his keys out of his joggers pocket, “Oh I love it when you get all stroppy. Plus, I have keys. No need to knock.” 

“Just open the damn door Tomlinson.” Harry laughs, picking up his bag and Louis’ as well to follow him into the house, large and homely; the type of house Harry has always dreamed of owning. “This is lovely.” Harry compliments as he kicks his shoes off like Louis, dropping their bags on top of them like Louis suggests. 

“Mum decorated it meticulously, wanted everything to be perfect because she doesn’t plan on moving until the babies are much older.” 

“What, as old as her first baby?” 

Louis laughs, “I doubt she’ll wait until they’re as old and starting to get grey like me.” 

“Louis? That you?” Someone calls as Harry rolls his eyes, muttering about how much of a drama queen Louis is. 

“Yeah mum, it’s us!” Louis laughs back as he wraps Harry in a mug, planting a sloppy and exaggerated kiss on his cheek. “But you love this drama queen babe.” 

“God help me I do.” Harry giggles as a lady with dark hair and a baby on her hip pads into the hallway. 

“Oh, hello!” She beams, handing Louis the one year old on her hip without a second glance as she smiles at Harry. “You must be the wonderful Harry I’ve heard Louis wax poetry about.” Her smile eases all the worries he has had over the morning. 

“Hi Mrs Deakin, ‘m, yeah ‘m Harry.” 

“It wasn’t poetry, I can assure you of that babe.” Louis interrupts but Jay just waves a hand at him as she talks to Harry. 

“I am so happy to finally be meeting you, I know Lottie and Fizzy will be as well. We’ve all heard about you because of Lou, he’s very proud of you y’know. Always telling us about you.” 

Harry glances at Louis who is red cheeked and concentrating on his baby brother in his arms so hard it’s almost comical. “Yeah, ‘ve heard he’s pretty proud of me once or twice before.” Harry shrugs bashfully, embarrassed and so, so overwhelmed with Jay’s words. 

“Only once or twice? God, my son has been holding out on you then because it’s once or twice a week to me, let me tell you. Now, would you like some tea Harry?” 

“You haven’t even said hello to me yet!” Louis bursts, frowning at his mother as Ernie plays with his fingers. 

“Yes, hello my first born, nice to see you again, when are you shaving that bloody beard off? Blah blah blah, love you loads. _Now Harry_ , would you like some tea?” She dismisses her son with an eye roll as he pouts harder, fixated on Harry’s shy smile as he tries not to laugh at his boyfriend. 

“Erm, please, if that’s not too much trouble.” 

“Of course not darling, come with me so we can chat. Louis can get your bags to his old room, don’t worry about that.” 

“No I can do it-“ Harry tries but Jay just laughs as she walks through the long hall, clearly wanting Harry to follow. He shoots Louis a look but Louis just whispers a “told ya she’d love you” before taking Ernie upstairs, bags unmoved. 

“So Harry, how are you?” She asks as she makes their drink, Harry sitting at the breakfast bar. 

“’m fine thank you, how are you?” 

“Fine, fine, thank you love. How long do you guys think you’re going to be staying?” 

“Erm, only a few days I think. ‘m sorry it’s so short but I don’t want to impose and I can’t take too long off work because ‘m leaving so soon.” Harry smiles, hands shaking slightly despite the earlier easiness he felt for a few seconds. He hopes Louis gets here soon because being with your boyfriend’s mother is scary, whether she’s lovely or not. 

“That’s okay darling, you don’t have to apologise. ‘m just glad to finally meet the boy who seems to have snapped my sons heart up. He’s proper head over heels for you.” 

“He’s – he’s pretty wonderful.” Harry blushes, “I’m very glad to be with him.” 

Jay smiles, “I’m very glad he has you. Even if he is moving hours away from me. He’s a proper mother’s boy that one but I think he’ll be just fine. _Me_ on the other hand, not sure how ‘m going to be with my boy being so far away.” 

“’m so sorry I picked a uni so far away.” Harry says, guilt clawing in even though he knows Jay didn’t mean her comments in any harsh way. 

“God, don’t be sorry.” She smiles, “I’d rather a happy son than a miserable, pining one living back here.” 

“Oh god you’re already discussing the move.” Louis groans as he wraps his arms around Harry, making him jump slightly because he never heard him come into the room. 

“I was merely saying I’d miss you; that was all.” Jay says, rolling her eyes as Louis laughs. 

“Guilt tripping my boy then?” 

“I would never!” Jay gasps. 

“Yeah yeah.” Louis laughs, no doubt rolling his eyes as well. 

“In all serious though boys, I am very happy for you two. Seeing you like this makes me understand just how well suited you are; don’t think I didn’t see you two on the drive before you came into the house. You’re clearly good for each other, you both seem happy.” 

“We are – well, I am with him anyway.” Harry says, cheeks red as he talks quietly. Louis tightens his arms around him, kissing the side of his head. 

“That’s perfect then. All a mother ever wants is for her children to be safe, happy and well – producing grandchildren. But I won’t start bugging you two for them yet.” She grins as Harry chokes on his drink. 

“He’s only nineteen mum!” Louis laughs. 

“And?” She says innocently as Harry coughs, trying to regain his breath. 

“Mum-“ Louis starts just as the front door swings open, the house being engulfed into noise as the four girls arrive home. 

~

“He’s very pretty.” Daisy whispers after dinner as Harry plays with the babies on the floor. 

“I know.” Louis grins, “The prettiest boy ever.” 

“Can’t believe you snagged ‘im honestly, he’s lovely.” Lottie mutters as she moves past them to sit next to Harry, elbowing him gently as she says something. Harry looks over at Louis, shooting him a bashful smile as Lottie continues to talk. Louis winks at him, making him blush slightly as he laughs at Lottie, focusing back on Louis’ younger siblings. 

“You wanna marry him.” Daisy whispers, “I can tell like I did with mum ‘nd Dan.” The comment from his 11 year old sister should panic him, they’ve only been together for nine months, _Christ_. Yet it doesn’t, it settles him almost. 

“Yeah I do.” Louis says, “I wanna marry him.” He murmurs, a grin blooming over his face. “I think I will one day as well, if he will have me.” 

“Good, I like him.” She nods seriously before hugging his arm then leaving the room to do whatever year 7’s do these days. Probably go online. 

“I wanna marry him.” Louis whispers to himself, almost in awe at how much he does want it. Wants this boy forever. This precious, wonderful, gentle boy. 

~

“How’s he been? Really been?” Jay asks much later, once it’s just her, Dan, Louis and Lottie awake. Harry’s asleep, curled up on Louis’ chest as they sit in the living room, the TV on low. 

“He’s, getting there slowly I think. He’s still bad but he keeps mentioning the therapy so I think he’s really, seriously considering it y’know. He’s ringing me when he’s having panic attacks now though, or after them. That’s all I can ask for y’know? He has to do this at his pace, for him.” Louis murmurs running his hand through Harry’s curls gently as he talks. 

“He’s very reserved, quiet.” Lottie comments. 

“I think – we have a lot of people in this house. He’s not used to it; his parents work all day, 5 or 6 days a week and Gem has long moved out. He’s not a loud person anyway, but y’know – there’s a lot of Tomlinson’s.” He shrugs, smiling down at his sleeping boy. 

“He sure knows how to keep the little ones happy though. Daisy adores him, just like Doris and Ernie.” Dan laughs. 

“He’s brilliant with kids, ‘m trying to persuade him into teaching right now. Think he’d be brilliant at it.” 

“You’d both be teachers then.” Jay says with a smirk. 

“We’d be the cutest teachers ever, honestly.” 

“You’d never get any teaching done, constantly running out with excuses to see him.” Lottie snorts. 

“ _Hey!_ ‘m a professional I wouldn’t.” All three of them raise an eyebrow at him at the same time, which – weird. “Okay fine, maybe, _maybe_ I’d check on him a bit but, like. I love him.” He laughs softly, trying to not jolt Harry awake. 

“Yes, we know, don’t worry.” Lottie rolls her eyes, sipping her drink as Jay and Dan laugh. 

“Just you wait until you fall in love Lottie, then you’ll get it.” Louis winks making her roll her eyes again. Honestly, all his family members ever do is roll their eyes at him. He finds it a bit rude frankly. 

There’s a lull in conversation as they all watch the TV, Louis still detangling Harry’s curls with his fingers as he reflects back on the day. Harry’s panicked morning, seeing Harry talking with his mum but noticing how shaky he was, having dinner with his family, Harry giggling at his sisters and parents, Harry playing with both sets of twins, Harry, Harry, Harry. “Earlier, when Lots and H were playing with the babies Daisy was sat with me and-“ Louis laughs, looking from his boy to his family. “She said to me I wanted to marry Harry. Just came out with it, no preparation or anything; we hadn’t been saying anything beforehand. Just came straight out with it. 

“And, god, it didn’t even freak me out. I just thought ‘that’s correct’ instantly. I wasn’t panicking at the thought of marriage, a life time together, a massive, legal commitment. I just agreed with her.” 

“You want to marry him?” Jay asks, shock evident in her voice but laced with happiness making Louis smile at her wider. 

“Yeah, fuck, I do. Not now, god no, he’s nineteen and we’re moving. He’s going through big things in his life and ‘m not gonna be a massive plonker about this. It’s been nine months but – yeah.” 

“Daisy, what the hell.” Lottie laughs. 

“Apparently so.” Louis giggles, stirring Harry awake as he moves slightly. 

“Lou.” He groans, wriggling around and snuggling further into his chest, gripping Louis’ waist in an attempt to stop him moving. 

“Sorry baby, didn’t mean to.” 

“’s alright, just stop movin’.” He frowns, eyes still closed. 

“Wanna go to bed whilst you’re awake?” 

“Don’t wanna move.” Harry pouts. 

“C’mon, bed will be much warmer baby.” Louis murmurs, running his hand through his curls as he groans, eyes flickering open sleepily. “Hi.” 

“Oops. Fell asleep.” He smiles, blinking rapidly to wake himself up more. 

“That you did darling, wanna go to bed?” 

“Please.” Harry nods, placing a kiss on Louis’ chest before sitting up. Louis watches him then looks at his family to find them fondly smiling at them both. “Eh, hi. ‘m sorry ‘bout fallin’ asleep.” 

“Don’t worry darling, you two go off to bed it’s nearing midnight anyway.” Jay smiles as she stands, kissing his cheek then Louis’. 

“Night guys.” Louis says wrapping an arm around Harry’s waist as he waves sleepily at Lottie and Dan. Once Harry is settled in bed and Louis quickly pops to the kitchen to get them glasses of water he overhears his mum and Dan talking in the lounge. 

“-never have I seen him so smitten with someone. He clearly loves him a lot.” 

“You can tell by how Harry relaxes when Louis is with him that it’s mutual. There’s a lot of trust between them I think.” 

“I did doubt their relationship at times because some days Louis just sounded so tired and upset. But I think they’re lovely together, can see they both love each other dearly. I just hope ’m right.” Jay sighs making Louis smile. 

There are days when he’s exhausted, absolutely shattered because Harry has had a bad day or because he’s just worried about his boy, but when he returns upstairs to see Harry smiling, one eye open as he waits for Louis to return to bed, fighting sleep, Louis knows it’s all worth it. Every sleepless night they’ve had together, emotionally exhausting day, and will have in their future, he knows everything is worth it to be with Harry. 

~

Harry wakes on the second to last day of his and Louis’ visit to Doncaster gasping for breath, his chest heavy as he does so. He feels like he’s drowning, anxiety in every crook and cranny of him as he tries to breathe, tries to stop the tears forming. 

“No-“ He chokes out, willing for the panic to leave as his mind races. He’s fading, can feel how his mind is wobbling like he isn’t present in the room anymore. He feels disorientated as he struggles for breath, shaking, unable to even move his hands towards his face without the vicious movement. His chest hurts, hurts so much as he tries to breathe. He can’t fucking breathe. 

“I can’t-“ He tries, tries to stir Louis to wake but he can’t speak through the tears, the panic, the pain, the silent sobs, as he tries to stop the drowning. He throws an arm out bashing Louis’ shoulder as he cries, taking short breaths. He can’t do it, he can’t breathe, he doesn’t know what to do; he doesn’t know how to stop feeling so _broken_. 

“Haz?” Louis groans, half asleep as Harry curls into himself, sobbing. As soon as Louis hears a sob he sits up, alerted straight away that something isn’t right. He rubs the sleep out of his eyes to see Harry’s forehead resting on his knees as he digs one of his palms into his eye, the other hand pinching his wrist in a bid to make him feel something, to try and come up for air. 

“I can’t, I can’t-“ Harry thinks he’s murmuring as Louis moves him so that his legs are dangling over the side of the bed as he pulls his upper body to lean against Louis’ chest. Louis places Harry’s hands on his chest as he tries to breathe, tries to stop the sobs so that he can breathe. Harry can’t focus on anything as his mind swims, his chest tightening but he knows he just wants this over. Please, please, please. 

Louis is muttering things into his ear but he cannot make out what they are as he tries to breathe, tries to _fucking breathe_. He’s trembling as his heart beats rapidly under his palms, taking deep breaths with Louis’ encouragement, becoming clearer as his breathing regulates slowly and the chest pains fade. 

“In … and out, slowly baby.” Louis whispers again and again, Harry isn’t sure how long. It feels like he’s been suffering for hours. After a while, when Harry can breathe again on his own, feeling shaky but not as disorientated as earlier, Louis tugs Harry into his chest, tightening his arms around his waist as he burrows his head into the crook of his neck. Harry’s still breathing heavily but he relaxes ever so slightly into the grip, thankful for his boyfriend. Harry puts a hand over Louis’ and grips it tightly. 

They sit encompassed for many minutes until Louis rolls them back into bed, kissing Harry’s chest as he calms down, the last of his panic taking a while to leave his body. “’m sorry.” Harry whispers but Louis just shakes his head, kissing over the middle of his chest again. Harry smiles tiredly, running a hand through Louis’ hair before asking for a shower. 

“I love you.” Harry whispers, kissing Louis as he hands him a bath towel in the bathroom. 

“I love you too.” Louis whispers back before leaving Harry to shower. He walks downstairs into the kitchen where his mother is sat with a mug of tea for herself and is just taking a teabag out of another. “Wh-where are the girls?” Louis frowns, choking slightly as he wills the emotions he’s feeling away. 

“We heard, we heard Harry yell stop so Lottie took them out to the park. The twins just shrugged when we said you were mucking around but, Lots and Fizzy could tell.” Louis nods, taking the tea from his mum. He’d forgotten that Harry had yelled, didn’t even consider the others in the house when he’d immediately leaned Harry back, trying to get him to just breathe. 

“Is he okay?” Jay asks as Louis just stands in her kitchen topless, joggers hanging slightly crooked on his hips, staring into his tea as he recalls calming his boyfriend down in his childhood bedroom, trying to get his boyfriend to breathe and remember that he’s not dying, that he’s okay, that he’s so so fucking safe with him. 

“Y-yeah.” 

“Are you Lou?” She asks softly, making him look up at her as she takes his tea from him with a look of concern. 

“No, not really.” He whispers as she wraps her arms around him, squeezing his eyes shut in a weak attempt to stop the tears. “I just-“ He tries but is overcome with such sadness that he can’t go on, instead clings to his mother as he cries; cries over having to have mornings like this, cries over barely seeing her anymore, cries over his boy being so hurt, cries over it not being fair. He pulls back, blubbering as he stumbles over random sentences, trying to explain his sadness before crying into her chest again, being rocked slowly how his mum always has when he was upset since he can remember. 

“You’re trying to hold it all together for him because that’s what he needs but you can lose it too sometimes darling. You’re allowed too.” She tells him as she holds him. 

“I-I know and he’d let me. H-he would but I-I don’t want to burden ‘m.” 

“I have a feeling, love, that he wouldn’t mind that. That he is as committed to you as you are too him.” 

“I know b-but, he goes through s-so much and sometimes it’s just so painful t-to watch him breakdown. Watch this fucking amazing person fall to pieces when I love him. I wish, I wish I could fix him.” 

“You can’t.” 

“But goddammit I would if I could.” 

“I know.” Jay whispers, squeezing her son tighter as she watches an exhausted Harry stand in the door way wiping away a stray tear before pointing upstairs. She nods and waits for him to be up there before pulling away, kissing her son on his forehead before sending him up. 

She sees neither boy for another hour, well after the girls are back, but when they do descend downstairs they’re gripping each other’s hands tightly, eyes red. Jay hugs Harry from a long time as they have a quiet conversation with their chests pressed together whilst Louis is talking to Fizzy and Phoebe, Phoebe sat on his lap at the sudden realisation that her brother is leaving tomorrow evening. 

“Mum?” 

“Yes love.” Jay replies to her eldest daughter as she sits next to her in the lounge later that evening, Dan checking on the babies once again. 

“Harry wasn’t okay this morning was he?” She asks, eyes sad as she says it. 

“No, not really but Lou was with ‘im. He’s okay for now.” 

“Is that, that a common thing then? Like, I could hear him crying and – I don’t know. Louis was saying some stuff but Harry was just crying and gasping.” Lottie frowns. 

“I think so. He’s alright now though love.” 

“I didn’t want to ask him and freak him out or something.” Lottie shrugs with a small smile. 

“No, better not. He’s quite fragile.” Lottie nods before falling silent for a few seconds, then sighing. 

“I feel like Harry’s here to stay.” 

“No doubt about it.” Jay replies proudly, hoping that her son and Harry do work out as she imagines they will. 

~ 

“Can you believe it’s happening now, finally?” Sophia grins as she sits with Harry on Niall’s sofa in his loft. 

“It’s been a long time coming. ‘m glad I didn’t fuck this year up again y’know. Leaving’s gonna be hard though.” Harry says with a small smile, the guilt of leaving his mum eating at him despite his sister already having moved away for Uni, plus his mother having Robin. She’s always been with him through every step, positively or negatively, and now he’s leaving her. Goddammit, he’s _leaving her_.

“You’re excited though?” Liam asks with raised eyebrows from his other side, arm slung around Harry’s shoulders. 

“Of course, ‘m just nervous. I don’t party or whatever so Fresher’s week isn’t something I want to even think about.” 

“It’s in four days.” Liam reminds making Harry’s chest prickle with anxiety, his mind instantly racing with a chant of _oh god, oh god_ as he nods slowly; fighting through it. 

“Thanks Li, I know.” He shakily laughs as he watches Louis walk up into the loft with Zayn, Ed following. They’ve all decided to get together before most of them leave for University, although Niall has decided to study at the Manchester University so he’s only an hour away from home unlike Harry who is over three hours away. Zayn has just finished his second year yet Liam and Sophia are only going into their second year as Ed just begins Uni a few hours away. Everyone’s moving on and Harry is extremely thankful to be doing this with someone beside him. 

“H, another drink?” Louis asks, interrupting his thoughts. 

“Oh, erm, please. Sorry.” Harry nods with a shy smile as Louis just laughs fondly before going back downstairs. 

“He’s lovely. You 100% have our full approval.” Sophia comments. Harry frowns at her before their conversation from months ago - in February, _Christ_ \- flits into his brain. 

“Oh god.” Harry starts laughing, “’m glad I have the parents approval. I told you you’d like him.” Liam and Sophia grin as Liam hugs him tighter. 

“It’s really nice to see you so happy and cared for by him.” Liam mumbles into his ear making Harry’s laugh soften into a smile. 

“He’s lovely to me.” He mumbles, cheeks heating because it’s true but god, it’s hard to believe. 

“We know.” 

~

“I’ll see you in three days alright? Then you can come and visit the flat and see how nice it is and shit, ‘nd be happy okay?” Louis grins as he cups Harry’s face. 

“I will miss you for some strange reason.” Harry sighs making Louis roll his eyes. 

“’m boyfriend of the year, that’s why.” 

“Well, maybe not of the year.” Harry teases, giggling when Louis gasps before moving them so Harry’s pressed against the hall wall. Louis moves his hands so that he’s gripping both of Harry’s wrists making him unable to move away (and he doesn’t miss the small gasp Harry releases at the movement). 

“Say again?” 

“Lou.” Harry whines. Louis laughs as he leans in to kiss Harry again, both trying to delay Louis’ departure to his new flat as long as possible. 

“Louis, fuck off.” Zayn calls from the kitchen, interrupting their kiss like he can read both of their minds. 

“Fuck you Zayn.” Harry and Louis say at the same time; they both laugh, Zayn and Niall both roll their eyes. 

“Don’t go.” Harry whispers making Louis groan as he pulls him into a tight hug. 

“Three days, then our own flat.” 

“ _Your_ flat.” 

“Yes, but basically yours too. Duh.” Louis protests making Harry giggle in his arms. It takes another 5 minutes before Louis hugs Zayn and Niall again, thanks Zayn for letting him crash at his flat for nearly a year (both get a little misty eyed. Niall teases the fuck out of them) and kisses Harry twice until he’s actually properly left for his new home. “Call me whenever. I love you pumpkin.” He had grinned at Harry as they both laughed. Harry feels warm inside as he sits with Niall and Zayn, hoping he doesn’t have to ring Louis for anything other than happy conversation. 

~

“I don’t know what to do.” Harry whispers, staring at his red wrists as disappointment floods him. 

“Just tell ‘im. He’ll understand.” 

“I didn’t ring him Ni, he’s gonna be so mad.” Harry protests. He needed someone there, someone to just be with him. Louis couldn’t do that, he wasn’t seeing him until tomorrow, so he’d rung Niall who came over immediately. “’m so sorry f-for making you stop Uni packing –“

“Don’t apologise. Christ, ‘m glad you did. Packing is a fuckin’ pain in the arse.” Niall groans making Harry laugh. 

“Thank you.” Harry murmurs. Niall reaches out and takes his hand, squeezing it. 

“Even when we’re miles apart ‘m still your best friend y’know?” 

“Always.” Harry grins, laying back on his bed with Niall. 

“Tell Lou babe, he’ll be okay.” Niall says after a few quiet minutes. 

“Yeah.” Harry agrees because it’s true, Louis wouldn’t get angry – only a little annoyed at most – he just hates feeling like he’s fucked up, feeling like he’s let everyone down. 

~

“I love you, I love you.” Anne whispers as she hugs Harry, sniffing in his ear. 

“I love you too mum.” Harry sobs back, the realisation that he’s here, he’s not at home anymore, he’s not going back with his parents; this is where he’s going to stay. He’s going to be living here. Fuck. 

“C’mon Anne, let’s leave now.” Robin encourages smiling at Harry with a wave. Harry waves at them both, sniffing as more tears fall. Anne hugs him one last time before they leave Harry alone in a strange room with people he doesn’t know outside, people he’s going to be sharing a kitchen and floor with for the next year. 

“Oh god.” He whispers before starting to unpack and try and make it feel like home. 

~

“Erm, hi.” Harry waves awkwardly when he walks into the kitchen an hour later, a boy sat at the dinning table whilst a bottle blonde girl is running some water. “’m Harry, ‘m in, eh, room 108.” 

“Hi, ‘m Perrie! Lovely to meet you.” She grins, reaching over to shake his hand with a happy smile. 

“’m Olly.” The guy at the table waves with a smile. 

“Hi. God, sorry ‘m crap at doing this whole new people thing.” Harry laughs as he bites his bottom teeth. He feels like crying because he feels so uncomfortable, wants to run back home to familiarity and his bed and his parents. 

“Don’t worry, it’ll take a few days to settle in. Now come ‘ere and set your stuff up with mine.” Perrie nods towards multiple saucepans and plates. 

“Got a feeling we’re gonna have far too much stuff for this kitchen.” Olly says as they try to find cupboard space. He’s right but after the hour they spend trying to squeeze everything into cupboards Harry feels a little bit further away from a panic attack than he did earlier. 

~

“Hey.” Harry grins when he answers the phone as he leaves the communal kitchen. 

“Hey baby, just wanted to see how you were doing at uni and with your mum leaving.” Louis’ voice is soothing, so soothing compared to the nervousness Harry is still slightly feeling, something he is expecting to last for a few days or maybe weeks. He hopes it’s not for that long. 

“I’m – it’s nice. The people are nice; we’ve been trying to sort the kitchen out. Mum leaving was –“ Harry coughs, wiping the stray tear caused by remembering that he’s left, he’s not going home for weeks, he will not live with his mum for another three years, “- it was hard. We were sad.” 

“Did she cry?” Louis asks making Harry let out a water – and shaky – laugh. 

“We both did. I am now remembering that ‘m like, gone. Leaving home, and her, was really hard despite our differences y’know? She’s me mum, brought me up since my dad fucked off. It’s always been us, and then Robin just. Dunno. Feel very lost and sad but I like it here.” Harry shrugs despite knowing that his boyfriend can’t see him. He feels very anxious like he will never be able to sit still. 

“I understand; I was like it when I left as well. Proper missed mum for weeks, used to have a little cries at night when I was alone ‘cause I just wanted to be with her and at home, somewhere comfortable y’know? It past pretty quickly for me though, hopefully it will for you too.” 

“I-I just want a hug from her. Dunno why just feel – sad. Ish. Sadish. Not how sad as I do when ‘m bad just, weird.” 

“That’s moving away from home baby, trust me. Your mum isn’t my favourite person but she’s still your mum; you were still close at some points.” 

“Yeah, I guess.” Harry takes a deep breath, “Am I gonna come over tomorrow afternoon or Monday?” 

“Tomorrow if you can, please? I miss you, kind of lonely.” 

“We’ve been apart longer babe, it’s been three days.” Harry laughs rolling his eyes at his dumb boyfriend, who he absolutely _adores_.

“Yep, well, I love you so. Maybe you should come and see me before I shrivel up and die babe.” 

“You’re not dying any time soon but yes, tomorrow, come get me about 2 please?” Harry giggles as Louis starts laughing. Harry is so in love with Louis, so much so that it feels like he could reach the moon if he tried and live there with him. He’s so dumb and so in love with Louis and so happy they’re making it work. 

“Of course. You okay though? I know you’re nervous and upset but, y’know.” 

“I just – yeah, I’ll be okay I think ‘m just shit with change.” Harry laughs, “I’ll be better when I’ve seen someone I know though, so, you.” 

“Tomorrow babe.” 

“Tomorrow.” Harry grins before saying goodbye to Louis. When he walks back into the kitchen Perrie and Jade – a beautiful lady living next door to him – are smirking with raised eyebrows as Olly laughs. “What?” Harry giggles shyly, cheeks heating up. 

“Does someone have a, well, someone?” 

“Erm, maybe.” Harry continues to laugh as he sits at the table. 

“That’s so lovely.” Perrie grins, “What are they like?” 

“He’s, eh, twenty-three and a teacher. Lives a few minutes from here and well, he’s lovely. The nicest person I’ve ever met and caring. Makes me feel really happy because I know he cares about me a lot. He’s just-“ Harry shrugs “- wonderful. And loud. And beautiful. And ‘m very thankful for him.” He looks up from his hands to where the other three – and Greg, who is now standing in the doorway, - are smiling softly as him making his cheeks turn bloody _crimson_. “What?” 

“You love him a lot?” Jade asks. 

“Yes, of course, always.” Harry smiles easily, “He’s been with me through a lot over the past few months.” 

“God, is love actually that disgusting?” 

Harry laughs, his heart soaring because yes it is, and he is so glad. 

~

“You told them you love me?” Louis gasps excitedly as they both lay on his new bed, staring up at the ceiling with their legs pressed against each other’s. 

“I’ve told my parents that I love you yet you get excited over my uni flat mates?” Harry says with a raised eyebrow, confused and slightly unimpressed. 

“Well, you’ve only known them a few days and that’s well – you love me.” Louis grins as he props himself up on his elbow so that he’s looking down on Harry. 

“Erm, yes…”

“You love me.” Louis repeats, grin remaining. Harry laughs as he takes in how happy his exhausted boyfriend looks currently, eyes bright and skin crinkled around them as his smile looks like it could split his face, hair shaggy and soft. 

“I do love you; correct.” 

“And you told people.” He’s still grinning, looking like _sunshine_ and god, Harry hates the summer but if Louis was the sun he’s sure he’d willingly get sunburnt, despite the health concerns. 

“Yep.” 

“My favourite boy.” Is all Louis says before he kisses Harry, throwing his leg over Harry’s waist so that he’s rested on Harry’s thighs, deepening the kiss. If they don’t move for another half an hour neither are worried. 

~

“I miss mum so much, which is strange because we weren’t close for months but Christ – god ‘m shaking Lou. I fuck –“ Harry whimpers turning over so that his knees and head are burrowed against Louis’ chest as Louis wraps his arms around him. 

“Hey, hey ‘m here.” Louis whispers, unsure what to even say. 

“I want, want – mum. God, I want her.” Harry cries, shaking in Louis’ arms as he mumbles out pleas for his mum. He looks so small and young, crying into Louis’ chest for his mother. As Louis rocks him gently he reaches back with the arm not under Harry – too quick for Harry to even realise – so that he can grab his phone. He thumbs through the contacts as he murmurs words that he hopes are comforting him. When he finds the contact he is looking for he rolls Harry over so that he’s, once again, hovering over him. 

“Lou?” 

Louis kissed Harry’s forehead, cheeks, nose and eyelids as his phone rings. He’s hoping that 10pm isn’t too late for a phone call but when Robin picks up with a gruff ‘hello, Louis?’ he sighs with relief. “Hi, yeah, is Anne still awake?” He asks, smiling at a tearful Harry who perks up at the mention of his mum. 

“Yes, would you like to talk to her?” 

“Please, if it’s not too much trouble.” There’s rustling in the background and voices before Anne talks. 

“Louis? You okay love?” 

“Yeah hi, erm, I don’t have your number but Harry he’s, upset and misses you so I just rung for him to talk to-“

“That’s fine, don’t worry; put him on.” Anne almost demands. Louis suppresses an eye roll as he hands Harry the phone; he knows he shouldn’t dislike his boyfriend’s mother as much as he does – especially considering how nice she has been to him and how much Harry cares for her – but he cannot get past the also misery he has felt over the past few months and years due to her. He respects her a hell of a lot and would do anything for her but he doesn’t forgive her, not yet. 

Louis attempts to leave as Harry talks to his mum, shaking slightly and clearly distressed but it’s evident how he is also slowly calming down, but Harry pulls him closer so Louis rolls back onto his side like earlier so that he can cradle Harry. Anne and his boyfriend talk on the phone for nearly an hour and when Harry ends the call happily, sniffing still slightly but no longer crying or shaking, Louis smiles tiredly before kissing his forehead. “Love you.” He whispers. Harry repeats his sentiment happily before Louis leaves the bed quickly to make sure everything in the flat is turned off. When he returns Harry is half asleep, making grabby hands at Louis, and welcomes Louis back to bed by demanding to be the little spoon. Louis laughs but obviously accommodates Harry’s demands. He loves him a whole lot. 

~

“Harry Styles?” Harry’s hands are shaking as he sits in the waiting room, heart pounding in his chest as the calling of his name makes him go cold. He shivers. He can’t do this, he doesn’t think he can even move. 

“Harry Styles?” The nurse calls again. He needs to do this. He knows he needs to. For himself, for his health and for his future. It’s going to be fine, he’s going to be fine, he will be _fine_.

“Harry-“

“Sorry.” He croaks, standing slowly. His hands are sweaty as they shake under his sweater paws. He wants Louis or Niall or even Perrie, just someone to be with him when he takes this step. “’m here.” He mumbles quietly. 

“The doctor will see you in room 2.” The nurse smiles, like he knows that Harry just needs a little gentleness right now. 

“Thank you.” Harry whispers as he walks past him and down the corridor. He stands outside of room 2 for many seconds before taking a deep breath, hand on his chest, before he knocks gently. 

“Come in!” The doctor calls. 

Harry takes a deep breath. He goes in. 

~

Five days later, an hour after his very first counselling session with a therapist his new GP referred him to Harry bashes into his flat. “Haz?” Perrie frowns at Harry as she exists her room. 

Harry just shakes his head, mind racing as he stumbles into his bedroom, falling onto his bed. He curls into a ball as he shakes, his mind running a thousand miles a minute as he tries to process his session. It wasn’t horrible but it was hard, hard to talk to someone he barely knows. He’s not sure what to do with himself when he feels this torn open. 

He doesn’t know what to do, what to feel, how to react to this afternoon. 

He feels lost and it’s exactly what he was trying to avoid. 

~

“’ello?” Louis mumbles as he pulls his tie off from his fourth day at the new school. His new kids are lovely and he is finally teaching, something he’s wanted for many years now. He’s glad he decided to follow Harry here because he knows he wouldn’t have enjoyed being stuck jobless up north. 

“Hi, erm, this is Perrie. You don’t really know me well but I’m a flatmate of Harry’s. Styles. And you were one of his contact numbers he left in the kitchen.” The girl rushes. 

Louis stops tugging his tie at her words, panic instantly rising in him at just the mere thought of his boyfriend not being okay. “What’s wrong? Where’s Harry?” 

“He’s – he went out for a few hours and when he came back he didn’t even bother closing his door when he went into his room. He’s curled up in a ball, silent. I – I don’t know what to do but you’re his boyfriend so I though you may k-“

“I’ll be there soon, is that okay?” Louis rushes, grabbing his keys and wallet he’d just placed down as he shoves his work shoes back on. 

“No, yeah, I’ll wait downstairs for you.” 

“Okay great.” 

“See you soon.” Perrie says, worry clear in her voice. Louis likes her just by this phone call. 

“Oh and, Perrie? Thank you.” The girl mutters her reply before ending the call as Louis locks his flat. He’s at the university as quick as he can be and meeting Perrie at the bottom of the flat block. 

“He’s still quiet; Olly’s with him ‘cause we’ve never seen him like this before. He’s quiet but not like, dismissive and silent. He’s –“ She shrugs. 

“Do, do you know where he went today?” Louis asks, mind racing because they’d spoken on the phone yesterday lunch and he seemed fine. He seemed fine when they were texting this morning, but god Harry’s a good actor and texts are easy to lie through. 

“No clue, just said he needed to do somethings.” Louis nods as Perrie swipes her ID badge. 

“In his room?” Perrie nods as he jogs down the small hall, stopping in front of the open door to see his boyfriend – shoes and all – curled into himself on his bed. 

“Babe?” Louis asks as he walks into the room, nodding at Olly briefly. Harry turns his head slightly before flopping it back down again, exhausted. Louis’ heart fucking shatters at the sight of his boyfriend looking so fragile. “Baby, baby.” Louis whispers as he takes Harry’s shoes off gently before resting his head in his lap, stroking his fingers through Harry’s long curls. “Hey darling, what’s happening?” Louis asks but is met with silence from Harry. 

Louis nods at Perrie and Olly who smile sadly at him as they leave the room, closing the door softly behind them. Harry remains vacant, staring ahead bundled up in his coat as Louis strokes his hair. Louis hates how this isn’t the first time he’s seen Harry like this, drowning in himself, hates how this is probably the hundredth time he’s dealt with this and hates how his heart feels like it’s breaking, breaking, breaking every time. 

Louis looks around the small room, smiles at how comforting Harry has decorated it; there are multiple pictures above his desk of himself with Louis, friends and his family. Louis smiles at the many dumb photos of them together and others that the boys had taken over the months of them. “You see those photos, above your desk? They’re why you fight this, those memories and moments are what pushes you through the bad days alright? Because they’re concrete proof that there is light at the end of this tunnel; everything ends, even the sadness.” Louis says slowly, unsure whether it is the right or wrong thing to say at the moment. He just wants the fragile silence to stop for a second, even if it’s by his own voice. 

Louis leans down and plants a kiss above Harry’s ear before taking a deep breath in his curls. He rests his forehead against the side of Harry’s head and stays like that for a few minutes, his back aching at the awkward angle slightly. When he pulls away he doesn’t expect Harry to move instantly, yet he does. He moves abruptly to the satchel dropped by his wardrobe and begins pulling pieces of paper out until he brings a wade of paper over to Louis, shoving them into his lap silently before sitting beside him, instantly chewing his thumbnail as the other hand shakes gently in his lap. 

Louis glances through the paper slowly, heart jumping in his chest at mentions of _individual or group therapy_ and _treatment length depends on every individual_ and _fortnightly appointments with your chosen therapist_. The last page shows multiple appointments, the first six weekly then the next four fortnightly, for a H. Styles. The first appointment was nearly three hours ago, today. Louis’ heart bursts with pride instantly as he pieces together what Harry’s done, what Harry had achieved on his own for himself. 

“I want help.” Harry whispers, thumb still hovering over his teeth. “I want help. I’m, terrified. This, this is nerve wrecking and – I feel like ‘ve been ripped apart inside. It was, horrible. I – talking to you, someone I love, was horrible but to, to her.” Harry starts shaking his head, “I hated it, _hated it_ so fucking much. I feel like shit.” He sniffs before chewing the dry skin on his thumb again. 

“Hey stop that.” Louis frowns when it registers that Harry is making his thumb bleed, pulling his wrist down into his lap and holding it there as his eyes roam over the pieces of paper in his hand. 

“A-are you going to go back, next week?” Louis asks as he thinks over Harry’s shaking words. _I feel like shit_. 

“This is what, what I wanted to avoid feeling. So fuckin’ – “ Harry shrugs. Louis holds his wrist a little tighter to show him that he’s there, he cares about him. “I will though. I will. I want her – my therapists – help.” 

Louis knows he shouldn’t give Harry an out when he’s come so far, and done so good but he can’t help it when his boy sounds so broken. “If you’re miserable -“

“I am. I really fucking am.” Harry laughs but it’s humourless and broken. “I – I need this help though. I know I need it. I can’t be, be like this anymore Louis. I know I’ll never be ‘okay’ or whatever but at least, god at least we won’t be living our lives around my illnesses. I want to feel good again Lou. I want to feel _something_ again. I want to fucking enjoy things without feeling crippled with anxiety. ‘m gonna keep going. It’ll get better. It’s got to.” Louis stares at Harry after his speech for a few seconds before dropping the papers on the floor so that he can straddle Harry to hold him into his chest. 

“I love you, I love you, I love you.” Louis mumbles tearfully, overwhelmed with adoration for Harry because he did this on his own, for himself and his future. He wants help for himself. Louis has never loved him more, would get him the moon and stars if he asked for them right this minute. 

“Louis.” Harry laughs shakily when he pulls back. Louis thumbs away a few stray tears – many less than his own – as he looks at Harry, watching him stare back.

“You’re, distant.” Louis concludes after a quiet minute. 

“I feel, panicky. Distant. Like, when I have panic attacks or when I’m havin’ bad days I sometimes feel – floaty, like ‘m not really present in the room. That’s how I feel now. I, I’m used to it but I don’t like it.” Harry mumbles. 

“What do you need?” Louis asks instantly, fighting the urge to tuck Harry into bed and just hold him for the rest of the night, attempt to protect him from any evil that isn’t inside of him. 

“Can we just get some tea and watch a movie or somethin’. Don’t wanna do much or, like, bore the others to death. Think they’re going out clubbin’ or something.” 

“Of course we can baby. Still not feeling parties after the one you attended in Fresher’s week?” 

Harry giggles slightly, something very much welcomed after the past hour. “Not in the slightest. Anyway, wait, why’d you come here?” 

“Perrie called because she was worried about you, said you were just being scarily quiet and wasn’t responding to any of them so they thought maybe I’d get through to you.” Louis smiles, “You’re my boy and I’ll try and help if I can.” 

“Thank you.” Harry whispers, kissing Louis’ cheek before snuggling into his chest again. 

“’m so proud of you.” Louis mumbles, holding Harry closer to his chest. They don’t make it to the kitchen for another 10 minutes but when they do Perrie hugs Harry for a long minute before rushing off to get ready for the night. Olly hugs him afterwards, mumbling some words Louis doesn’t hear as he makes them tea. They spend the night in Harry’s bed watching Marvel films. 

Throughout the films Louis continuously mutters how proud of Harry he is, making him blush but snuggle closer. It’s nice to feel appreciated, Harry thinks. 

~

“Harry?” 

“Yeah?” 

“We haven’t seen you since Tuesday. Are, are you okay?” Jade asks through the door. Harry groans into the pillow currently over his head before he removes it again to reply, 

“’m fine. Don’t worry about me.” 

“Harry.” Jade sighs but Harry just puts his earplugs back in before resting the pillow over his head. 

He feels _empty_ and lonely and shaky through to his bones, through to his chest. He’s been visiting his therapist for three weeks now and he knew, he knew he wouldn’t immediately feel okay, he wouldn’t immediately stop the days of numbness and anxiety but, _fuck_ he wishes it did. He wishes realising his need for, and getting, help was an immediate fix. He wishes having a boyfriend, an improving relationship with his family and brilliant friends were all fixes for his problems but they’re not and he continues to wish. All he does is wish these days. 

He curls tighter into a ball, hoping the pressure of his limbs crushed together would reveal some of the pain but it’s not, nothing is and he doesn’t want to crack, he doesn’t but _god_ , he cannot breathe, he cannot think, he cannot feel anything other than despair and his shaking limbs. He looks down; nothing’s shaking. His chest hurts and he thinks that may be due to the slow panic suffocating him. He feels empty and far too heavy all at once and he knows it doesn’t make sense, nothing makes sense to him anymore and he just wants to scream. 

His hand moves from tugging at his hair underneath the pillow to his wrist, tugging at the skin their making Harry sigh; he feels like he’s coming up for air for a mere second before he’s going under again, being dragged under screaming - silently. It’s a cycle, a vicious cycle that he wants to break, he wants it to be so broken that he never goes back to it but he cannot break it, he cannot break something other than himself and it makes him sob. He feels like he’s underwater then surfacing, then under again and he wants it to stop. Wants this all to stop. 

~

“I’ve said I don’t want drugs, they won’t help the cause only the-“

“Yes Harry, I know what you’ve said. However I have assessed you for these few weeks and in my professional opinion, especially after this past week, I have come to the conclusion that these may be good for you to use in conjunction with your therapy sessions.” Harry stares at the lady he has come to trust in disbelief. He doesn’t know how to feel about her new conclusion other than that he wants help, he wants it so badly he would do anything for it now. 

Trying is what counts, trying is a start he keeps being told. Trying is what begins recovery. 

“Harry I know –“

“I’ll do it.” He chokes out, “I’ll take them I just - I’ll take them.” He rests his head back as she begins to write the prescription; he feels like he doesn’t have any control over what he’s doing anymore and he knows these may or may not worsen that. 

~

“Are you going to tell your mum that you’re having treatment?” Louis asks, pressing a kiss to Harry’s forehead once they’ve dropped their bags into his car. Harry thinks it over as he wraps his arms around Louis’ waist; he wouldn’t know where to begin, what to say, how to justify his feelings, how to watch his mums face fall like it did years back. 

“It’s Christmas, I don’t think I want to spoil it.” 

“Do you think you’ll ever tell her that you’re having this help?” Louis asks softly into Harry’s curls as they stand in the middle of the carpark together. 

“Maybe.” Harry takes a deep breath; this isn’t a new thought, what Louis is suggesting. Since accepting help and subsequently anti-anxiety medication his relationship with his mother has continued to blossom, the distance between them clearly bringing them closer unlike when they were living together for the last year and a half. 

“If you do or don’t it doesn’t matter to me. I think waiting until after Christmas is a good idea though; she’s probably gonna feel upset y’know?” 

“I’ve been through it before with her, I remember how it was last time. ‘m not sure I can go through that again; she was devastated then blew it off within a few weeks like it never happened. I just, when we ‘ave kids I never want my relationship with them to ever get so disastrous. It felt like hell – still does – I just,” Harry pulls back, “Don’t let me get like that, please?” 

Louis looks stunned, shocked and stunned at Harry making him laugh nervously. “You – you just said you want us to have children.” 

Harry blushes as he rolls his eyes, clearly damaging his attempt to seem unfazed. “You told me you had thought about marriage in March. We’d been dating for four months.” He shrugs, “’ve been thinking about it for, like, a week. We’d been talkin’ about my fear of any type of commitment until you and, dunno, got thinking about the ultimate commitments – marriage, children, houses – and well, you moved down here didn’t you? We’re pretty committed without me even realising it, which, well is pretty dumb.” 

“You’ve had things going on-“

“I kind of stopped thinking you were leaving me after my exams. The fear of you leaving just, vanished I guess. I dunno it wasn’t just gone but, like, it went away at some point and I never realised. I never -.”

“I love you with my whole heart.” Louis interrupts when Harry looks lost for words. Harry grins as Louis cups his chin, “I do. I love you and if I didn’t see a future between us I probably wouldn’t have asked you out on that date. Why do you think I waited until December to ask you out? Had to make sure.” 

Harry’s grinning at Louis’ words; he feels like he could burst because he loves his boy so, so much. He is so grateful for him sticking around for this past year, through the ups and downs and working so hard to get Harry through them too. For persevering with Harry and his demons. “Thank you for staying with me. Thank you for loving me.” 

“Nothing’s changing.” Louis whispers before kissing Harry gently, and Harry believes him wholeheartedly. Harry cannot remember ever trusting someone this much and he doubts he ever will trust like this again; he’s lucky that Louis feels the same. 

~

Harry comes home the weekend after his birthday with Louis and admits to his mother, on his own, that he’s been on medication – and will be on for many more months - and in a few weeks his group therapy sessions will be over but his individual ones will not be until he is in a comfortable position with himself. 

Anne cries just as much as Harry does and they spend hours talking but Harry never admits she was part of his problem, never admits that it wasn’t his brain sometimes, it was his home life. He discusses the bullies though, the loneliness, the feeling of destruction and waiting for people to leave him. 

She holds him closely for over ten minutes before making dinner with him. 

They’ll get there, Harry can see the signs immediately and tells Louis that later that night. Louis agrees; Anne is Harry’s mum and she loves him a hell of a lot. 

~

“Why couldn’t we just drive to Zayn’s? Honestly Lou.” Harry groans as they stand by the doors of the train, swaying in time with the train. 

“Because I drove for hours two days ago and have got to do it _again_ tomorrow. No driving today.” Louis pouts making Harry roll his eyes fondly. He’s about to reply when he hears a voice he could never forget, a slur said including his name making him stiffen and Louis’ face harden as he looks down the carriage. “Is that-“

“Don’t Lou.” 

“Harry, if that is them then-“

“Louis, we don’t live ‘round here anymore. They d-don’t matter anymore. They cannot hurt me anymore, yeah they can upset me still and fuck, I’ll never forget it but – they can’t damage me like they used to.” Harry pleads. He’s conscious he probably doesn’t make sense but he doesn’t want his boyfriend doing something stupid. Louis grasps Harry’s hips, moving him against the plastic wall separating the chairs and waiting area where you exit the train. 

“You were terrified of trains and being yourself and god, _of_ yourself. Tell me, do the comments which they threw at you for _years_ still haunt you, still come to you when you’re having bad days? Do you still think about them when you’re at your worst?” Louis asks seriously, eyes staring into Harry’s. Harry swallows but doesn’t answer, cannot answer as his mind says _yes, yes, yes_. He hates admitting he still has bad days, days where he’s crippled and shaking but he knows, he knows he’s trying. That’s what counts. 

Harry opens his mouth to reply but Louis kisses him instead of letting him talk, gently and lovingly like he’s trying to make Harry remember how much he loves him. It does work, in Harry’s perspective. “I love you.” Louis whispers making Harry smile before tangling his hand in Louis’ hair and kissing him again, in a bid to show those boys what he’s got. 

“’m not afraid anymore.” 

~

Louis proposes on Harry’s next birthday. 

Harry cries through his ‘yes’ as they stand in the middle of a snowy park, no one around for miles. 

Harry still has no idea what he wants to do with his life, still has anxiety attacks and feels empty some days but now he gets out of bed on bad days, doesn’t allow himself to wallow in his head anymore. 

He’s trying finally and it’s paying off. 

He’s engaged and trying and is slowly getting there. Slowly but surely. 

He’s not afraid to wake up anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> if you read all of this wow thank u i hope u are ok  
> thank u loads  
> <3
> 
> please remember mental illnesses affect people differently and this may be inaccurate to you/others  
> i hope u are all ok


End file.
